I do not know
What I feel for her
But if it is something more
Than what I wish for it to be
May I forever remain
Dissatisfied

She mapped him out before she met him.

When she saw him, she recognized
The grooves of his smiling face,
The rumbling sound of his voice,
His fresh scent when he embraced her.

When she saw him, she saw her map
Embodied in man that reflected the future
That she so longed to live,
But never thought she would.

He saw it in her, too.

They drifted towards the calm sea
With tomorrow stretching out before them
On a boat where their bodies collided
Like soft waves that engulfed one another.

Their bond sent ripples into the water,
Sizzled the skies with its urgency,
Guiding the boat closer to the shore
That seemed too looming.

She didn't want to reach it.

She had travelled the streets of her map
In search of finding something to fulfill her-
Something that wasn't there
Out on the calm, open sea.

They sailed to an island with greener grass,
But with no winds to uplift her spirit.
She had the map of him,
But the map of her lay in treacherous water.

She dived into the unknown.

Dear You,

When I first saw you, I thought you were unremarkable. I didn't know, then, that I would end up this way with my insides torn to shreds over the love I wish to give you.

Perhaps you seemed unremarkable to me because your treasure lays inside of you, under the layers of humour and deceptive smiles. I saw a glimpse of your treasure when a brick fell from the towers you built to protect yourself. It was the night you told me what you willed no one else to know, a night where your defences were down.

I was entranced for a while, caught up in the thoughts of all you were hiding and who you could be if you stepped out of the tower. This was dangerous territory. In attempting to reach you, I nearly fell into the moat that protects your structure.

In my trance, I didn't realize you had not drawn me a bridge. I was not the one you wished to uncover your treasure. You crumpled my heart like a sheet of paper, threw it into the moat, but my mind was still shackled to you.

In my thinking, I realized that I cannot help you. I cannot tear down your walls if you disarm me. So I have decided to let my heart wander away in the water, break the ties I have to you, and keep the love I cannot give away.

I cannot care for you if you do not want me to. I cannot go against what you wish, and what you wish is for the touch of another to ease you into letting down your guard. You wish that someone finds you remarkable, but that someone must not be me.

I walk away from your treasure and hope that one day, you will lower your bridge and let someone pick away at your walls. If that person does not exist, if no one again finds you and your hidden treasure remarkable, then remember that my torn heart still floats in the water you almost let consume me.

If you would let me care for you, I could retrieve it. I could swim across the thrashing moat, speak to you through the hardened walls you've built. I could hope that this time, you would listen to my voice.

For now, I leave you.

Sincerely,

Me

I am surrounded by the beautiful -
By sweet smiles and soft laughs,
By boys and girls who love each other
And could love me if I stepped into
Their Circle

But I can't step in.

I am trapped on the outskirts,
Close enough that I know what I'm missing
But too far to feel what they feel.
Some stragglers creep to the corners of the Circle
And try to speak to me

But I can't respond.

I want to be with the people who know
That others mean something.
I want to be with the beautiful people,
And feel warmth in my ties to others.
I want them to grab me and pull me in

But I can't let them try.

I think there is a reason I am Outside of the Circle.
If I overcame the barrier of my own refusal
I would bring ugliness to the beautiful.
I would pollute the hearts of those who love
By my own which cannot care.

I searched for you between the cracks of dawn and dusk,
riding the river streams, flying through the clouds,
scaling the daunting mountains,
hoping to catch a glimpse of you
-- hoping you would catch a glimpse of me.

I surfed the wind into coffee shops, bars, house parties
and felt myself falling
into the arms of beautiful and treacherous men
with heartbeats that slowed down
when the music of the night faded into the morning.

I searched for you within ageing class photos,
within high school memories of crooked smirks and cologne
of boys whose bodies I've dreamt of knowing
but never reached my grasp out to
in fear that they wouldn't hold on.

I searched for love in the bounties of nature and time,
in what could have been and what was,
in who he is and who he could be,
but never have I searched for love where it should be brightest:
within the hollows of my lonely self.

my head's a balloon
one blow away from bursting.
please don't hit me, babe.