i don't want to reach out for dreams
because they might underwhelm me
but the unexciting reality
itself grows expressly underwhelming

it's better to have love
than to lose it all pursuing phantasm
always grateful but too young to be choosing
to live in contempt or indulge in bad habits

to shed my hesitation
and finally go rabid
does the real thing feel this good
after you've had it?

i don't know and i won't ever
if i keep myself in check
i like being here with us together
it's just so easy to get swept

up by ideals
and things so contingent of following ungrounded reverie
i come home to you for all that is
i'm not heartless in my revelry

"You'll bleed for those kisses
And wonder why you're so pale."

Every last drop
till you're shaking and frail

Just to feel those lips
You'd die countless times

Living doesn't mean a thing
If you can't feel alive

And the only thing that stirs my soul
Is your  presence

As my addiction for your love grows
My will to fight this lessens

said that you want me 
but you don't want to be with me
said that you love me
but you dont want to miss me
said that you were ready
but you seemed scared to take the jump
said that you loved me
but thats not really what it was
said that you'd be here
but take a look around
said that you would keep your promises
but you've broken all of them now
said that you want to be with me
but you just cant
said if i really cared about you
then i would understand
and to keep it one hundred
i really dont
keep saying you wish we were together
but you choose to stay alone
and even though i'd be lying
if i said i didn't mind
you didn't have to lie
my heart was on the line
you couldve just pulled back earlier on 
or tell me that you just knew
but you kept telling me pretty lies
and this ugly truth is hard to chew
in fact i'm choking on it
and i am scared to feel
said that you loved me
and i thought it was real
said all these things
but it never added up
said that i wasy crazy to think otherwise
but i wasnt crazy enough
still keep saying saying saying
but you never stop to think
i stay up at night
remembering all the words you said to me

i'm tired of feeling
the doubt in my faith
like every ounce of joy
equates to a metric ton of pain

feel like i have nothing to add
so i'd rather stay quiet
isn't stupid how things so little
make me this excited
it's not that i don't like you
god that's not it at all
you're absolutely perfect
you are at no fault
i could listen to you talk about nothing
all ******* day
it's just hard for me to find
the right words to say
i don't wanna scare you off
or embarrass myself somehow
i wish there was a way to know you
without having to be so loud
because my silence is a weight
i feel it all the time
you don't have to worry so much
i just need to speak my mind

haven't met them yet
i'm sure
the one will take some time
i know

patience is a virtue
i'll learn
and for now it's not so bad
going alone

keep missing something i
never had
waiting for the planets
to align

just gotta keep being
myself
and it'll all come together
in due time

cause they're waiting too
just like me
for someone to finally
understand

to believe something else
is giving up hope
and to keep going on
i can't

there is love
without pain
these insecurities
won't define me forever

can't wait to shed the shame
i've been taught
being honest shouldn't be this
risky endeavor

sleep evades me tonight 
but i dont mind
i'll be fine
it should be alright 
but if it isnt dont panic
i've always been a lil manic
i can deal with the antics
my lifestyle demands it
i've practiced my patience
i can remain through the phases
and remember the faces
without boiling over with hatred

what do i say when you make me feel insane
how do i articulate the pain

everyday is new chance to see how far you'll go
you're not the person that i used to know

so i gotta run away
make my escape
leave nothing but questions
in my wake
trust me when i say
you don't wanna chase
me into the shadows
you don't know this place

like i do
courtesy of you

chilling in my bed
wrapped in thoughts of you
sure it's warm beneath the covers
still there's something about this room
that doesn't feel right
when you're not in it
washed the sheets yesterday
everything's vanilla scented
which is great and all
just miss the way you smell
everything is perfect
except that i'm by myself

i'll never be healthy
if i continue
monetarily
emotionally
boundlessly
supporting these people
no matter mow much i love them
it makes me want to die
that i have to watch them
suffer to then
repeat these cycles
and bring more lives into it
the world feels like such a miserable place to me
i know there's happiness out there that exists
in some shape or form
but i don't feel like it's going to find me
unless i let go of everything i love and know
but if i do that
i wont have anything to hold onto

do i just float away at that point?

if i set myself on fire
i would die knowing i gave and i gave
but it'd be all for nothing
cause nothing might ever change

the clammer of life
may soothe their busy minds
but utter silence cradles my soul

bitter quiet and empty spaces
are the only things that
make me feel whole

can't trust me
so you judge me
can't manage to comprehend

my decision
to create some distance
and stop being your "friend"

shouldn't have
had your back
at all in the first place

it's strange of you
to expect me to
why can't you act your own age

got me all kinds of ****** up
with the way you're treating me
you swing so heavy with your hurtful actions
and thoughtless words you speak
you must really not know me
if you think
i'd let you grind me down
or portray me as weak
as much as i value our friendship
it's nothing i need
it's not worth
not being true to me
so take your inconsideration
don't say bye, just leave
already done enough damage
always as destructive as can be
create some distance
give me my peace
you've done nothing
but tear into me
ungrateful for my patience with you
wasted my energies

why engage
in confrontation
when it will
do me no good
i'll burn that bridge
when i get to it
for now i'll just
avoid that neck of the woods

can you match my energy
be as into me
as i'm into you
can you be consumed
soft and swooned
whisper naught whatnots
fall in love with my doom
lay around in my room
kiss me when there's nothing to do
i'll do whatever you want to
just let me know

is there a way to make this work
where neither of us end up hurt
or feel used
always fall too soon
end up bruised
but i like the blue
almost a little too much
is weird that i'd like to
be marked by you
we should be alone

even if it hurts
the pain is so delicious
when i melt in your hands
you don't feel malicious
i wanna trust my guts
and your outward intentions
even though i don't always make
the best decisions

i really wanna drown with you
thats all i wanna do

i've been crying myself to sleep every other night
when i'm not falling apart it's kinda nice
doing what you did you had no right
but thats cool it's what it is have a nice life

no more fighting to prove
how much i love you
just to be disposed of
when i'm not bending backwards to make you happy

i'm not gonna fight
with you the fiftieth time
meant all that ****
not gonna half myself for you to have me

***** that it took all this for me to know
you never had good intentions like i'd hoped
saw my optimism and reached for your rope
that's cold blooded ****** but you like it when i choke

no more lying to feel okay
or waiting for you to change
if you were gonna
you'd already be a better person and you're not

it's really kind of stupid
i begged you to do this
but i know better now
but will you listen when i ask you to stop

gave me the world
as it was in your eyes
and i accepted it for what it was

saw what you saw
engulfed by your hatred
no questions, ifs, ands, or buts

broke away and broke down
experiencing everything you hid
in shock, just mortified

knowing i was indoctrinated
feel so **** contaminated
it leaves me paralyzed

what you did
is more than evil
beyond disgusting, past perverted

you saw my vulnerability, my naivete
as a way to control
saw my budding power and had to subvert it

you're despicable
miserable, unforgivable
and use it as an excuse to hurt others

glad i got away
even though i'm ashamed
after pulling back the covers

seeing no boogeyman
just a kid with a cheap mask
apathetic and lonely by choice

he couldn't pass up
the easy prey
the opportunity to defile, degrade, exploit

nothing is real

just want someone to talk to
when i'm unsure of the path
and see through the panic
i try to mask with a laugh
paint it as a joke
so it doesn't seem so bad
knowing **** well
it's tearing me in half

just want someone to listen
when i feel i have to be quiet
labeled unimportant feelings
so i try to hide it

but it kills me inside
not knowing what to say
feeling all the pain
but not being able to explain
not knowing the words
to articulate
the particular kind of shame
that swallows me everyday

icky sticky 
trying to trick me
caught in your web
nursing where you bit me
itsy bitsy
calling it quitsy
i threaten to leave
but i know you wont miss me
spider liar
dont try to hide her
she's already caught
in the crossfire
this fighter's expired
i'm way too tired
just hurt me again
heartbreak for hire

everyone dies
does that make my death less
if everybody hurts
does that diminish my distress

everyone i meet
wishes we never met
would they be happier
if i was dead

i'm tired of hearing
about the apocalypse everyday
we're so horrible to each other
i bet God hates the human race

i just wanna give up
i just wish i was done
but it's not like the way i feel
matters to anyone

i just wanna go home
abandon this **** and just leave
positive nobody is concerned
about what happens to me

i see the storm clouds rolling in
should probably head back in
but my afternoon has just begun
and i didn't get to see anyone
i'm being stubborn and careless
just to be out on the terrace
soaking up the last of dancing rays
in the last of my suffering days
i really oughta close the window
but i like how it feels when the wind blows
i didn't feel anything for a long long time
and its selfish but who cares if i die
at least i died free
if it were following my wishes
the last you'd see of me

sirens scream
they tell you not to love me
turn around, leave
there is nothing here to see
nothing here to believe
nothing you could possibly need
heed the warning

there's something not right
i keep the darkness locked up tight
you need to see me under a different light
it's all bottled up inside
the critical, the ugly, the spite
i'm trying to spare your life
hurry on now unless you actually want to die

more than every bad decision
and the people you shouldn'tve been with
don't become their definition
or carry those words under your skin

have value beyond the things you can do
stop saying your truth is just an excuse
those problems are real to you
take a moment to tend to your wounds

no one deserves to feel so splintered
loving yourself doesn't make you self-centered
they'll still be hurtful when your thinner
halting the narrative doesn't make you bitter

be bigger than the ones who made you feel small
set your boundaries and repair your walls
you can't always do it all
but that doesn't make everything your fault

it feels like i'm drowning
but my breathing is just fine
might not be trapped physically
but i'm caged in my mind
reliving every failure
and worrying about the ones to come
not thinking about what i do
but everything else that i should have done
and they all think i'm crazy
no one understands
not worth the energy
or even a second glance
even those that listen
barely register the meaning
a moment of belonging is
temporary
rare
and fleeting
cause i climb this mountain of doubt
and fall each time i try
to open up and be a better friend
it leaves me cut up inside
because either i'm terrible
and say what i want to say
or i give myself to others
and i slowly go insane
cause to be liked
i have to be nice to you all
being supportive
being there
being kind to a fault
but i'm still the bad guy
cause i'm tired of handling it
cause i'm sick of your lies
and the people that you run with
why must i change myself
when i've already changed my behaviors
time and time again
to make you comfortable
to have a positive impact
to be a better friend
i just feel abandoned
in a time of need
why must i defend
myself every time i disagree
it's just a part of who i am
the choices i make
are based on thought
not on whims
i've given too much
to now in turn let your words
get under my skin
why can't i just feel
why must i lose for you to win
i'm trying so hard
to keep my cool
but the darkness is moving in
the farther i run
the harder it is
for my heart to mend
i run from my fears
neck deep in problems
till i realize i'm in the deep end

i used to cry
seeing what was left of us
but now i know
i should've expected as much
apply enough pressure
and a bubble is bound to burst
my mistake was
assuming it wouldn't hurt
a miscalculation
on my part
but i believed in us
with my whole heart
and i'll never apologize
for being weak
love is going forward
accepting that you'll bleed

not that hard
to find myself far
from the people and things i love

get way too high
before i realize
and i get afraid the landing will be rough

it's nice up here
so why face my fear
i can just keep existing in the pockets of clouds

hate to admit it
but the more i visit
the more i question why i even come down

i'm doin all i can
but nothing seems okay
i only know what i've been taught
but i'm too young to understand
that no matter what i do
and no matter how i fight
i cannot change the way
that i saw her look at you

you leave me for
the flavor of the month
abandon a feast
to chase after a crumb
she tasted so sweet
but only for bit
the sugar coating is gone
she's just a bitter *****
you miss the way i slid down your throat
straight to the stomach
each touch so rich
it's impossible not to want it
remembering just how smooth it was
but now you've lost the power
to have your cake and eat it too
go find another to devour