took the long way
knowing i should just go straight home
easy to stay safe
but i still choose to go
and when my heart breaks
when i witness all these things
i'm unhappy with myself
and i can only blame me
for not avoiding the monster
for making myself sick
instead of running from the bear
i poke it with a stick

see me as weak
easy prey
vulnerable
something to take

anybody asks
i'm not okay
but you got me ****** up
i'm not safe

not an easy bet
or a piece of cake
won't wait to be killed
and be served on your plate

won't pick me apart
you're making a mistake
you might just find
it goes the other way

did you tell anyone you were coming?

i did it to myself
i let you in
i did it to myself
i let you in again
i did it to myself
you broke down the door
i did it to myself
even though i told you no more
i did it to myself
i let it it all go to ****
i did it to myself
blaming myself for initiating it
i did it to myself
because everything is my fault 
i did it to myself 
guilty of it all

i'm a wreck
i'm a mess

been this way
since you left

need your love
i'm obssessed

nothing else
to confess

without you
i'm in ruins

learning that i
can't do this

you absence pains
my mind loosens

when are we
gonna do this

i need you
here and fast

happiness
will not last

where are you
please come back

i'll do anything
you ask

ugly words from pretty mouths
i don't fit in with your crowd
you're better when you are alone
better when we talk on the phone
because then i don't have to see the distraction
i'm nothing important next to the main attraction
i love you i do but it's hard as hell
loving you makes me hate myself
because i don't feel like i have significance
each embrace reeks of indifference
i know part of you cares but it's not the same
as me worshipping the words that you say

i can't make you feel the ache in my chest
but i'll write these words down and give it my best
but something tells me that you won't get it

i wish i could could show you whats it like
would cut open my chest for you to look inside
i wanna be closer, should probably forget it

the only thing i'm good for is feeling bad
my constant existence some state of sad
like **** why can't i just go back
to when sweet dreams were all i had
its like all i can do is **** **** up
no matter what you say i'm not enough
there's always a caveat to love
never gonna have full trust
even though i bleed on an altar for just a chance
melt like snow in your dishonest hands
when a man loves a woman and that woman loves a man
i wish i could just suddenly understand
because all this waiting
feels like decaying
try to be patient
but i feel so deflated
wont you come fill me up now
its always so dark out
but its nice when you're 'round
soul deep in my spring of doubt

i'm something more than disappointed
but i don't know a word for the way i feel
so i guess i will be just disappointed
but i am so much more than that
i look at you
and all i feel is numb
and sad
and lonely
and mad
and
and
and
and
and

dish it
but can't take it
very
overrated
don't have what it takes to
make it
will never grow
you're too impatient

with all the sanity
you've cost me
can't be surprised
that you've lost me

i just want someone to need me
like i need them
like we're so intertwined that they'd suffocate
if i forgot to breathe in
i know its unhealthy to love to that capacity
but i can't fight my addiction
i love so deeply that it's hard to understand
why i don't complete them
the way they complete me
i fall too hard
and i bruise my knees
i become infatuated
with the fantasy
i lose myself in
the possibilities
i see where we could go
i buy into the dream
if i can't have you in my waking life
i sell my soul to sleep
a slave to the idea that is you
not wanting to be free
so lost in the way you make me feel
it doesn't occur to me
that you don't love me back
and when i find out i forget who i am
or who i was
before i held your reluctant hand
thinking why don't you love me
i don't understand
what can i do when
i've done everything i can
or everything i thought could make you love me
seeing our "love" as a mountain when it was only a single grain of sand

eyes won't meet mine
cause they know what they'll find
you need to be able to live in yourself

know this wasn't the right time
but you care about your feelings more than mine
you'll just say you couldn't tell

physical contact made me wince
reliving it makes me sick
but you're excited for whatever's 'next'

i'm not lucky enough to forget
unaware you've got the ick
or you know but you continue to press

swear you wanna save her
never needed any savior
but since you're so nice
why do you pretend to not know the safe word
you violate her body and trust
subscribed to a one sided 'love'
you refuse to know the truth
because you're consumed by a need for touch

i **** at life
i'm the worst at being alone
i can't stand to be wrong
i'm not good at lying
i'm always touching something i shouldn't be
when i think it takes too long

i'm just not up to par
a notch below
what is expected of me
i push so hard
to reach that bar
but i am still not an acceptable human being

backing off before i fall off the edge
i need to be the one who cares less
or we can split it fair if that's cool with you
just don't wanna walk away again feeling used
or like i was just a pity **** when i reached out first
i don't really like being chased but that's never gotten me hurt
it's the chasing that ***** me over every time
i see what i want and it's close enough to touch but it's too soon to safely try

do u
and i'll just do me
***** u
since u already ******* me
there is no us
so just stay out of my way
u made ur choice
to go separate ways
so play the part
cuz i won't let you play me again
i won't let you in
you don't deserve luxury of knowing me again

what is it that you want with me
thought you didn't want my company
said that you were done with me
that you needed some time apart from me
and understanding and space to breathe
yet you keep pulling up on me
i stay at home and you come to me
did what you asked and you won't let me be
if you wanted me close why'd you tell me to leave
do you really want me back or is that what you want me to believe
the last two weeks have been a hazy fever dream
you tell me to disappear then offer me a drink
it's impossible to even fathom how you think
just know i gotta make this break clean
or these blurred lines will suffocate me

seems kinda odd
not gonna lie
a bit too off
to just slide by
undetected
without comment
gonna have to check it
before i drop it

don't wanna watch you
morph into the monster
my brain thinks you are

never thought we'd be like this
or imagined i would
run so far

but i'm afraid to see you change
into a person that doesn't
care about me

my brain says that you never did
but i think that's just
to make this easy

or easier because this is
one of the hardest things
i have ever done

cutting you out
doesn't make me happy
i don't feel like i've won

all i've got are old promises
bittersweet memories
and a hole in my chest

never wanted
to walk away
but couldn't stomach to see the rest

want someone to tell me
i don't talk too much
to tell me what's bothering me
isn't dumb
somebody who tells me
i'm not the worst
somebody who sees
the human side first
i know i'm not easy
to love and i know
i'm easier to keep at a distance
than to hold
but **** am i tired
of feeling so numb
i just wanna be someone
to someone

shivering with potential
the opportunity has arrived
vibrating with possibilities
knowing there's all these reasons to be alive

i wonder how she would feel if she knew
about the things you did with me
while you were speaking to us both
i do not have such peace
i lack the bliss
of not knowing how unvalued i was
i would tell the whole world
but i know how it does
cant escape my worthlessness
and even though i never liked her much
i'd never put this feeling on her
let her think she is in love

one day older
but years have passed
since the last time i tasted your skin

last night was a dream
but its not right now
when will we meet again

i want to be patient
but there is something about you
that i can't unsee

it has a hold on my body
changing my mind
and i'm not sure what it means

i just need you now
i need you fast
i need you like never before

one last touch
oh yes another and another
is it fine if i ask for just one more

no one ever asked if i was okay
now its a little too late
to remedy my pain

they never cared to see my fear
missed my downfall even though they were here
tear after tear

i am all cried out at this time
keep your shoulder cause i got mine
too late for you to apologize

maybe might have broke your heart
jury says guilty as charged
but did you ever care for me
or did you just want company
did i really break your heart
or were you already scarred
you put that pain on me
cause you refuse to see

what she took from you
no one can replace
staring through me
to see her face
you never loved me
i just felt safe
don't hate me for not wanting
to fill her place

**** talking with your group of friends
it's always bittersweet by the end
swear i'll regret leaving
still asking to see me
keep knocking but i won't let you in
keep complaining to all of them
you're the synonym for needy
is this what you call grieving

sorry that she took your love
so all you have is hate
sorry i couldn't live
being second place
you hurt me too
but we only acknowledge your pain
tell them what i did
plead your losing case

if i've already broken the situation down to bits
  and rearranged and switched the roles to try and make sense
    what makes you think i didn't reflect on why i did what i did

who do you think you are to jump down my throat
   like you've never failed to take the high road
     like the world is based on everything you know

i did the work to break the habits
    i humanized the people i couldn't forgive
just to be corrected on my trauma
then told i'm taking it personally
    as if there was any other way to take it

i owned my mistakes
   but i refused to take all the blame
and if you think that's what i need to do
if you really feel that way
   what price is it you want me to pay

i already lost
i already caved
i can never get back
what i lost along the way
i remember how i could have done better
everyday
i don't need your help
feeling the pain

and i don't need your input
on how i've healed
i don't need to know
how my decisions make you feel
you should reflect on yourself
and leave me to my own
i have tried to keep it nice
but you're truly coming close

to that point people don't come back from

don't stand out
but don't fit in
part of the crowd
but not one of them

strangers take up time
but they cant take your place
since we parted ways
i don't feel the same
talking to those nobodys
but they dont make
that stupid face
i secretly love but swear that i hate
wasting my breath
and taking up space
i try to dream to stay entertained
but i'm haunted by your face
just burning away chances
and left feeling drained
all the stupid things you say
hit a lil different and are followed by a sharp pain

i guess it never goes away
that's what i was afraid of
the shame pervades
forgiveness is not enough
you probably don't think of me now
i don't even think you did during the worst of it all
kicked by indifference and racked with doubt
did you mean to make me feel this small

because i still lose sleep
sweating cold in different sheets
i pushed you away from me
but not before it cost my fragility
the price of being naive

there was this song i listened to
where the girl was too young to be haunted
and it made me think of you
and the feeling of being hunted
and sacrificed
for a moment of belonging
in the midst of loneliness
your smile seemed so disarming

now i know you were lying through your teeth
you were never in step with me
cause you get what you came for then ultimately leave
bet you don't feel any better without the closure you dont know you need
i'm still over here losing precious sleep

you deserve the best things in this world
you're suffering but you put others first
i wish it wasn't like this for you
that i didn't have to say such harsh words
but i wanna be honest
because i've been in your shoes
you either gotta walk away
or force them to respect you
otherwise you'll sit in pain
hoping that they will notice
i really hope it's just a misunderstanding
but i see how you feel so hopeless