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Ian Johan-Gomez Sep 2013
When I see the flocks of birds
Silhouetted against the sky
Black against the blue
I close my eyes and let myself drift away
To a time when things were much simpler.
When colours were richer and life was fuller
A time when I was invincible.
Now life is complicated; my soul is weary and my mind discontent
Unhappy with the ways of the ways of the world.
For it was the real world that robbed colour of its luster and appeal
And made me a dim shadow of my past vibrant self.
But I catch a glimpse of that happiness
When I see those birds
And remember the times I felt alive.
Ian Johan-Gomez Feb 2016
I lay on my back
Close my eyes
Let myself escape

I feel the sharp edges of the grass
poking my neck
I know I'll have little cuts,
but it'll be worth it.

The sunlight caresses my face
It's warm on my eyelids
and I smile at its touch.

Above me,
the wind whistles through the trees
Can you hear it?
Whoosh, whoosh
Like waves crashing on the beach.

I feel myself start to float
As I leave my body
and find myself
The part of me that I had lost so long ago.

I’m greeted like an old friend
and I start to reminisce about the past
and all the joy I felt about the little things.

Mud:
The squelching noise between my fingers;
how it was so cold
and slightly gritty and
gave me such satisfaction.

Leather:
The smell and
how it reminds me of my days with my dad,
when he saddled up his old horse
and we'd go on an adventure.

Watermelon:
Homegrown
On a hot summer day
The sweetness
As I bite into a slice.
Letting the sticky juices coat my cheeks and
admire the contrast between the fresh pink and cool green.

Sunshine
The warmth as it shines through my window
On an early morning
The sound of the meadow lark ringing in my ears
is my alarm.

I smile at these memories.
I smile at my happy self.

I let myself settle back into myself
and gasp as the weight of the world
pins me back to reality

But I let myself stay a moment more.
Soaking in the sunshine.
Listening to the wind.
Bearing the cuts and stains from the grass
like scars from a battle barely won.
Ian Johan-Gomez Oct 2013
Somehow the time just slips away
And today becomes yesterday
I just need to get away
Stop everything and breathe.

I feel myself wearing thin
Always showing a fake grin
Yet inside I’m caving in
I’m stuck and I can’t breathe.

I used to be so full of bliss
How did things come to this?
I’m drowning in the abyss
All alone and I can’t breathe.

I tell myself to hold on
Just stay strong until the dawn
Then all of this will be gone
And I’ll be free to finally breathe.
Ian Johan-Gomez Sep 2013
When I think of forever I think of you
Of my love unending, humble and true
When I dream of forever I dream of you by my side
Holding my hand until the end of time
When I imagine forever it chills me to the bone
To imagine spending forever alone
I've been afraid for forever--or since the day we met
Afraid of the feelings that I'm afraid to admit
Because I'll love you forever--until the day I die
I'll always be yours, though you'll never be mine
And so my heart will forever be broken
Because of these words I've never spoken
I'll forever be your friend but never more
And I'll never be who your forever was for.
Ian Johan-Gomez Aug 2013
This is goodbye.
Farewell.
The end.
Maybe just for now
Or maybe for forever.
I feel my lip tremble
And my vision starts to blur
But I swear I will not cry
Not when you look so happy.
I'm terrified for the future
And the uncertainties that lie ahead.
We might never see each other again.
And if we do, I'm afraid it won't be the same.
I will no longer be your best friend--
Just someone you knew a long time ago.
And when I think of this
My throat gets tight
And I feel like I'm suffocating.
But I breathe and I swear I will not die.
Not when you are going out and living.
I have words to tell you
But they are stuck in my throat
Refusing to come out.
I want to say them, I need to say them before you go
But they would make your smile disappear
So I swallow them and smile and swear I will not confess my love
Not when you are smiling so dearly
And trying to say goodbye too.
Ian Johan-Gomez Aug 2013
Another year over, another year done
Another part of your life has begun
Just one thing as you shape who you'll become
Never forget the place, the place that you are from
So go and be great and live out your dream
Go and live life to the extreme
Cry only a little and laugh a whole lot
Follow your own dreams and voice your own thoughts
Care for those who love you and be kind to all the rest
Always try your hardest, always do your best
Now that you will go and around the world you'll roam
Never forget the place, the place that you called home.
Ian Johan-Gomez Sep 2013
I need to write of something happy
Especially when I’m feeling so sad
But whenever I try it comes out sappy
Heartbroken, tearful, cheesy, and bad
Because whenever I write I think of you
And all that’s happened since then
Whatever I write—no matter what I do
I seem to write of what could’ve been
If I had been strong and not let you go
If I had been brave and let my love show
Instead I took notes and wrote it all down
Not letting my love ever make a sound
And now I’m here and sitting all alone
Only reaping what I had sown
While you are out living and loving the world
I am sitting here wishing that I was your girl
And trying to write of something good
If only I could.
If only I could.
Ian Johan-Gomez Aug 2013
The little green monster
sits on my shoulder as I see you.
And her.
It feeds on my insecurity and longing.
Growing.
Getting fat.
I try to suppress it--
I know it does only harm.
Yet the little green monster is persistent
and never truly leaves.
I might be able to force it away
But it leaves with a knowing smile.
And a promise.
To come slinking back
whenever I see her lips touch yours.
And I wish that you were mine.
Ian Johan-Gomez Jul 2013
How can you admit to someone you love them
When you can barely admit it to you
This love you so adamantly condemn
That won't disappear no matter what you do
No matter what you say no matter what you think
This love stays solid and never grows weak
You tell yourself it's gone you tell yourself it's over
That the beauty has disappeared from the eye of the beholder
But this is not true and you know it quite well
That feeling like you are under a spell
The spell of their laugh, the spell of their smile
The spell of their personality that makes life worthwhile
You love them, you love them, stop denying this fact
Start living it and now start planning your attack:
I love you, I love you—these three simple words
Consume my thoughts; control my world
I wish I could be strong and that I could believe
That you would say yes, that you could love me
But I am not strong, not in that regard
So I shall keep these feelings, these thoughts locked inside my heart.
Ian Johan-Gomez Feb 2016
This is not a love story.
When our eyes met
And we felt that spark,
That connection,
We smiled.
I did not go over and talk to you
And you did not giggle
At my poor attempts to be suave.
You did not twirl your hair
Or look down at the ground
As I complimented your eyes.
We did not strike up a conversation
As we stood in line at the supermarket.
You didn’t tell me the chicken and potatoes were a special treat for your little sister,
And I didn’t admit that my top ramen was the only thing I could cook.
I didn’t offer to carry your bag,
And you didn’t give your number in return.
I didn’t call you after the appropriate number of days.
We didn’t go out for coffee
And I didn’t get to hear your life story.
I didn’t get to smile at your blush
As you admitted you had a thing for Harrison Ford.
I didn’t get a chance to smile and cheekily say that I did too.
We didn’t have that first kiss,
So clumsy and so awkward,
Yet perfect.
We didn’t go out on a second date,
Or a third
Or tenth,
Or a hundredth.
We didn’t go back to that coffee shop
And I did not get down on one knee
And get to hear you say yes.
We didn’t bicker about wedding details
I didn’t get to tell you that I hated red velvet
And that it was impossible to get Ed Sheeran to play at our wedding.
I didn’t feel my heart flutter as I waited at the alter
And I didn’t get that high of seeing you in that white dress
Smiling your shy smile.
You didn’t walk down the aisle.
There were no vows
No declarations of love.
We didn’t get to say I do.
There was no wedding kiss
No wedding dance
No honeymoon.
We didn’t buy a house.
We didn’t name our first child Harrison.
Times never got hard,
And things never seemed close to breaking.
We never fought.
We never reconciled.
Our children never went to college,
And we never got grandkids of our own.
We didn’t celebrate our 10th anniversary
Or our 20th.
Our 60th.
I didn’t get to hold your hand
As the doctor diagnosed Alzheimer’s.
I didn’t take you to your plethora of doctor visits.
You didn’t forget my name.
You didn’t forget Harrison’s name.
I never held your hand as you degraded right before me.
I didn’t shed a tear as I heard your last breath
And I didn’t kiss your forehead one last time before they took away.
We didn’t have a wonderful life together.
We didn’t have a life together.
All because when I met your eyes at the grocery store
In line with our chicken, potatoes, and top ramen,
I didn’t take a chance.
You went on your way and I went on mine.
This is not a love story.
Ian Johan-Gomez Aug 2013
He was always with me when I cried
My sweet angel of mine.
He was there when my happiness died
My loving angel of mine.
He was there when my world stopped
My watchful angel of mine.
He was there when my health dropped
My healthy angel of mine.
He took care of me when I was ill
My doting angel of mine.
He saved me from the big chill
My warm angel of mine.
He was there when I fell in love
My patient angel of mine.
He sent him to the world above
My jealous angel of mine.
He told me that he loved me
My possessive angel of mine.
He took me with horrific glee
My twisted angel of mine.
He hid me away for the rest of my years
My wicked angel of mine.
He hit me when he saw my tears
My abusive angel of mine.
He's never left nor set me free
My immortal angel of mine.
Because I know his identity:
You, my angel of mine.
Ian Johan-Gomez Jul 2013
When you tell me a joke that you know will make me smile
Does it make your heart flutter for a while?
Knowing my secrets, knowing my past
Yet I know your love will last
Forever and ever until the day we die
I will be yours and you will be mine
I know with all my heart that this will never fade
That despite anything this love can be remade
Ian Johan-Gomez Aug 2019
there is
       something
             so comforting
about the
                         smokey
          smell of
                                           cigarettes
                                                       saturating the soul
first thing in the morning
                                              especially when
it’s on his
                  breath
                               and he’s
                                                kissing your nightmares away
Ian Johan-Gomez Mar 2016
I feel a grim satisfaction as mud splatters on my white shoes.
What an appropriate metaphor for early adulthood.

My problems are not my own.
The sociological imagination has never
seemed so applicable.
We’ve all been dosed up
On dashes of passion,
splashes of intelligence
and just enough anxiety and depression
to approach existential nihilism and
We’re fed these lies of individuality but
We Know
we are only products of our youth and culture,
ones of many in the long production line
We claim
We are Art,
but We Feel
we’re just generated from streams of code,
prepared to fight to the death for
some algorithm that doesn’t even matter
And so I protest
I can’t just be a number
I am flesh and blood,
my knees are buckling under the
weight of this artificial perfection.
I’m not just a number,
My eyes are staring at the
the marks that
determine my worth, knowing
success is my only option
i am not just a number
My sanity is sinking and
drowning and
constantly fighting to stay afloat
But I am not just a number. -
My mind tells me I’m not making it--
How are these other people making it?
I’m determining my worth
on sets of standards that are as worthy as dust
And it is with these standards i am told
I am just a number.

I feel like
I can no longer speak
because I’ve been
shouting
at the top of my lungs
I AM NOT JUST A NUMBER

But my voice
is too quiet
And the world
is too loud.

I’m so tired of trying to be heard.
Yet these words still sound better
when I scream them,
not just scrawl them down
on scraps of paper.


for someone so happy
I'm so very angry.
for someone so happy
I'm so very sad.
Ian Johan-Gomez Oct 2013
I love the shining sun and warm air
Lying on the grass with you staring at the sky
The smooth sweet breeze blowing through our hair
Imagining us with the clouds up high.
Summer makes me happy and full of soul
It is in summer and with you I feel truly free
I no longer care when I lose control
And laugh and smile uncontrollably.
How I miss those simple summer days
And the flutter of my heart under your warm gaze
But that warmth is gone and the air is now cold
Much like your sudden indifference, it chills me to the bone
I am meek and sad now not brave and bold
As I am forced to face these winter nights alone.
Ian Johan-Gomez Mar 2014
It began with a kiss
A simple meeting of our lips
And I knew something was about to change.

As I looked into your eyes
You gave me butterflies
And trapped my heart in your beautiful cage.

With our passion and connection
Our love and affection
We were burning brighter than any flame.

It was the time of our lives
But for its eventual demise
Neither of us was to blame.

For good things always end
And heartbreaks eventually mend
Yet still my heart remains your slave.

For I remember at the start
When you stole my precious heart
I knew I would never be the same.
Ian Johan-Gomez Aug 2013
The tears are forming
As I think of the end
To our late night conversations
The end to
Our jokes.
Our craziness.
The end of us as we know it.
You are leaving on an adventure—
Headed off for the great unknown.
Searching for better things—more opportunities
Leaving me here. Alone.
With the memories of our late night conversations.
And our jokes.
Our craziness.
You will be back but it won't be the same.
Distance will have stolen a part of you.
A part of you that I will forever miss.
You are leaving me.
And the saddest part is that you were never mine.
Ian Johan-Gomez Sep 2013
"Today is not my lucky day."
The convicted man wanted to say
But ready or not
He died distraught
And took his secret to the grave.

"Today is not my lucky day."
The convicted man's wife wanted to say
She knew who the killer was
But she was too afraid to say because
Her promise to him she'd not she gave.

"Today is not my lucky day."
The guilty policeman wanted to say
He knew that the man was not the one
Even though he was caught holding the gun
He knew the man he was trying to save.

"Today is not my lucky day."
The twin of the convict wanted to say
As his brother died instead of him
So he went to the police and turned himself in
And though he felt ashamed, he also felt brave.

"Today is not my lucky day."
The mother of the brothers wanted to say
As he buried her sons
And when she was done
She let herself drown in the ocean waves.

That day was not a lucky day
Which everyone kept wanting to say
Instead they hid these feelings
And dealt with life's dealings
And if they hadn't who know who could have been saved.
Ian Johan-Gomez Aug 2013
Roses are red
Violets are blue
This poem's the sweetest thing I'll ever do.

Lilies are orange
Petunias are pink
When I'm around you, ****, I can't think.

Pansies are purple
Orchids are white
When I talk to you, my throat gets tight.

Marigolds are gold
Hydrangeas are green
You're the most mesmerizing person I've ever seen.

Daffodils are yellow
Dandelions too
I must admit, I think I love you.

Lavender is grey
No flower is true black
All I want to hear is "I love you" back.
Ian Johan-Gomez Aug 2013
The festivities are over, there's no one left to smile
To sing, to hug, no one to stay for awhile
The house is all empty: everyone has gone home
The house feels so empty, cold and alone
Until next time when all the rooms are full
And warm and containing all of the souls
Who make my life so great and swell
And make my story one worthy to tell.

— The End —