i read your horoscope before i
read my own.
learn what the planets have in
store for you before i see what
my own week will look like.
you're always my first thought.
in the morning as i wake i
wonder if you slept okay.
if you'll be at school.
before i fall asleep, i think over
the events of the day.
were we okay?
was everything normal?
and then you appear in my dreams.
an apparition of something i wish
i could have.
i put you before me.
your life before mine.
but never would you think the same.

i find myself reminiscing on
the past a whole lot more than
i ever thought i would.
i think of the day i first started
high school. bright eyes, long
hair and a cheerful attitude.

i look at myself in the mirror now.
my final year of school with eye
bags so deep you could drown
in them. split skin and veins drained
of blood. the cheerful attitude
disappeared with the child i was 5
years ago, a distant memory now.

my war-torn heart can no longer
go through another day without
breaking a little more and my brain
is so full of thoughts that i fear one day
they will spill from my ears.

my hair's gone now. a reminder of
hope so far lost that i doubt i'll ever
find it. my eyes are barely dry anymore.
my skin barely ever clear of blood.
my face barely seen without a cloud of
smoke surrounding it.
my heart barely pumping.

five years has taken it's toll on me and
it is no way my fault.

humans can cause other humans to
do insane things. things unheard of.
and i am the perfect example.

i can't even find words to
express how i feel anymore.
i used to be able to write these
things like they were nothing
but i find myself stumbling over
letters to form words and
putting those words into sentences
is the most difficult task.
i want to tell you i'm in love with you.
but i can't.
i can't even write it into a riddle for
you to decipher anymore.
i don't know how to speak around
you because my tongue decides to
twist itself in my teeth and my
brain jumbles words like a jigsaw
puzzle.
how do i tell you i'm in love with
you when i don't know how to talk?

i can't sleep anymore.
it's funny how such a small thing will mess you up so bad.
i can't think about it without a sickness overcoming me
and i feel the sudden urge to throw up.
i feel like you've tainted my perception of romance with the
feel of your hand against my clothed skin.
your tongue in my mouth like an invasive creature that i
cannot cut out,
it's funny how you took my drunken cheek kiss and turned
it into something more.
it's funny how you thought that, in my state, it was fine to press
yourself against me and latch your lips to mine.
"it was just a kiss" they say.
but it was my first and the memory is barely there and it was
barely special. not at all how i'd imagined it.
i keep talking about it though.
mentioning it just to talk about it as if letting the words "i made
out with this guy" would bring back the memory.
would make it less sickening to try and think of what i want
to remember in order to forget.

aphrodite couldn't help me even
if she tried her hardest.
there is no luck for me when it
comes to love and achlys has
taken my heart as her hostage.
who would've thought that
one can be pushed away five
times after they throw all
they are at another and still
be stupid enough to fall again.

the smell of your cologne lingers
on my clothes and it hurts my heart.
you aren't mine but at the same time
i think you are.
there's something about the way we
are with each other that makes me
feel like we belong to each other.
you let me hold you, never showing
that you hate the way i drape myself
over you like you do with others.
you joke with me in a different way
to the way you do with everyone else.
people tell me that you act differently
when you're with me and i wish i could
tell you that everything you do brings a
smile to my lips, something that doesn't
seem to happen a lot anymore.
i want to tell you that every time
something reminds me of the way you
move, talk, smell; my heart skips several
beats.
your cologne lingers on my clothes but
you're not mine and i have to wash
it away.

in art we're learning about
the human body and the forms
it takes in artworks.
i keep thinking of how i want
to paint you.
not just as a portrait but i want
to run the colours down your
bare skin and make you feel
like the artwork that you are.
the soft curve of your jaw.
the roundness of your lips.
the broad spread of your shoulders.
i want to paint you a portrait
but i feel like i won't get the dark
colour of your eyes right or the
way that your hair puffs.
i don't want to mess up your
beauty but i want you to know how
much you resemble art.

i thought i had come
so far from where i was
three years ago.
but here i am again, bleeding
from wounds that seem to
never heal.

i couldn't tell you that what
i feel for you is love.
the only reason behind that is
because i have no experience
in what love actually is.
i've never had feelings reciprocated.
i've never been kissed.
never be touched intimately.
i can't say i'm in love with you because
i do not know what love is.
however, i can tell you that you're the
only thing i think about.
looking at you makes my heart feel
warm and every conversation with
you feels like it will be my last.
a smile from you can be the only
thing that will get me through the
day.
i don't know if i love you but i do
know that i care so much about
you that it makes my heart hurt.

sometimes i think that i'm over you.
and then i'll see your face somewhere
and it'll make me hold my breath and
make my heart pound at a million
miles per second.
sometimes i think that i'm over you.
and then you'll smile at me slightly or
say my name softly and suddenly i'm
head over heels all over again.
sometimes i think that i'm over you.
and then your next to me, talking to me
and my whole body freezes up and the
world slows as i watch your lips move.
sometimes i think that i'm over you.
and then you be you and i can't help
but rip my heart out and hand it over
to you once more.

you can't sit there and tell me that you
have no one when i am here waiting day
after day for you to open up to me.
to let me in.
like you used to when we were younger
and you felt like you could trust me with
the world.
i don't know what happened.
you moved i guess. i hung out with
different people and we drifted.
our friendship was slipping through the cracks.
i never thought that it'd happen to us.
i hoped it would never happen to us.

i understand that what you went through was
hard and you feel like your world is crumbling
around you but do not tell me that you have no
one when i have always been here.
i'm never going to leave you, no matter how
much you ignore me or how little you tell me
i will be here until you tell me you don't want
me anymore.
you're my best friend.
please let me in because i feel like you
and me are slipping through the cracks and
that was the last thing that i wanted for us.

the very ground you tread on changes colour with every step you take.
you create art wherever you go.
everything you do is art.
everything you say is art.
you are art.
you're entire being is made up of different patterns, colours, shapes.
and every single part of you is so ******* beautiful.
i want to frame you.
take a picture.
paint you myself.
because i'll be ****** if someone can find art that is prettier than you.

there was something about the sun
that made me think of you.
it could be the glow of your eyes,
or the heat of your skin,
or the warmth of your gaze when
you look at certain things.
the sun also hurt.
it was too hot to touch and it
burned you if you were in it's
presence for too long.
you burned me.
you burned my skin and my
heart and my soul.
you make my eyes sting with
tears when i look at you for too
long.
you are so much like the sun,
beautiful. but dangerous