An animal
set free by the sound;
thunder growls, and I to mania.
I set out from refuge
into the storm,
high tides in a low sky.
A flash—
I could not catch it.

Hail pelts, impales houses and me
as I reach out, breathing,
dying in darkness.
I flash a grin
and a laugh, blown to silence
by a crack and a rumble,
roar of a leviathan cumulus,
and a river of light,
stream for the monster,
stays seen for a moment
and I delight in it.

Rain pedals downward,
slaps false tears on skin,
then softens, and soundless,
so I walk to the road.
The afterglow, silver,
the mist rising
like ghosts from the ground;
past lingers, swirls,
evaporates
under the silver shine
of moon on the pavement
and the trees glistening in darkness.
And all things are angelic,
in the phantasmal scene,
glazed in petrichor
and an otherworldly quiet
that follows, always,
a passing storm.

I almost cry
watching god
make herself known.
And listen for
a proverb of silence,
birth and death,
beginnings and endings,
the sky and I.

I can't explain
How others think
I'm so wrapped up
In what I'm doing wrong.
That time was everything.
And he is gone.
Does that mean
Everything is gone?
Everything?
Is my whole life's purpose
Find that time again?

This life, this life,
This sick, one-sided knife...
You either cut yourself,
Or those around you.
Despite the fact,
You may not mean to.

Just is the way it goes.

I may not have faith in me
anymore,
But I have faith in God.
So go home now,
Thank your god
for the life you have.
Live for the future,
And not the past.
Live for only
The things that last.
Your long term happiness,
Not the short.
Though in this life,
The weary resort
To empty things,
Up we can go.
Let us rise.

Get up now.
Get up.

Why did you do this to me?
For I, in seriousness, was fine.
The lines were drawn, walls were clear,
For once in years my heart was free.
I'd slowly grown, building strength
To forget all that we were.
And at the mountain's top is where you found me,
Pushed me back down that ******* hill.
You crashed all that I'd carefully built,
And not in the good way, mind,
In less than, what, a millisecond?
My common sense, you killed.

What possibly posessed you.

To push my hopes skyward.

Only to ignore me since then.

I'm broken again, it's true.


Thanks again. I hope you're happy.

The feel of the bending breeze
Soft and kind and brushing brisk,
Underneath the cotton socks;
Lazy, calm, and full of ease.
There's nothing like a todler sun,
Innocent with morning light.
Reinventing what I am
Since this new day had begun.
And each migrating mind we know
Just above the martyred heart
Glides along the new age win.
Confide in us what makes you glow.

Upon walking slowly from my despair,
I saw a turn’ed leaf.
Amongst the others, dark and rounded,
This one sat soundly,
Inverted,
Displaying bones and veins
For all to see.
Vulnerability is not the culprit
it’s been made out to be,
For the leaves seemed natural;
In chorus, their colored-symphony.
Were they all upright,
Green and bright in shining glory,
One might think it a picture
From a children’s story.
I sigh,
Gazing to the sky as I walk,
Farther, and farther away,
To felids unknown, but surely shown,
To my heart, I say,
“Let thyself be turned.”

It's not fair, its true.
You love me, yet,
I can't love you.
The fault is not yours,
Nor is it mine,
It's fate, therefore.
In all your hopes demise,
I hope you see
With wiser eyes
That love cannot be forced
Nor pushed or pulled,
Despite remorse.
I'm sorry it was me
Who you held in mind
So perfectly,
But I can't live a lie;
I'm sorry dear,
This is "goodbye".

The weather's getting
warmer again.
And everything's as
it should have been.
The bees are wandering
Around my head
My heart's alive
My hope's not dead.
The mumbling of voices
Inside this store
Don't make me feel
Alone anymore.
Love songs warbling
On radios,
Come to my ears,
And out it goes...
But it's just me.
And no one knows,
The burden escaped.
Life water flows.

Leave my heart
       In a broken bowl,
              Catch the blood that spills.
                                                         With everything
                                         That I have thought,
                        True love gives birth,
            
                     or kills.

All I can think of is him.
And I don't give a **** about anyone else.
Including YOU.
That's right, you, reading this.
What, you don't think I can't see you?
Yeah, look around.
I'm not there am I?
No *****, I'm here.
In your head.
I am the perfect human being.
All that you began with
As a child.
I can see all that you are.
And I have a lesson for you.
When things seem to be most confusing,
Take a large step backwards,
And separate yourself from
All that you've been doing.
It's then that you'll see,
The truth lies in the
Bigger picture.
And I do not
Care for anything that
Is not Love.
Neither did you, at one point.

Born so silly, grown so tall,
A reckless rebel in the wings.
Though they say we had it all
We played not with given things.
A rusted barrel, broken sticks,
A junk pile hidden yonder.
Now as the sun rides up the sky
We sit and talk and sonder.
Remember still those days of light
('Cause mostly now we live at night)
Like mornings spent over caffiene,
We wish it lasted longer.
Now you're grown, and brighter still
With childish light and older mind,
I wish upon you certain things,
To the front of your heart
From the depths of mine:
Be kind, be careful,
'Cause no one knows
Where a person's life has grown
Be cautious, caring
I know you're tough
(But you can be a tad bit rough)
Be happy joyous,
As always, dear,
It's sometimes hard to find it here,
Be thoughtful and ponder,
All life's questions,
And don't settle for anyone less
Than the best one.
Most of all,
Don't forget how you got here
and not just in the physical sense.
Never pass off your state of mind
As just a sheer coincidence.
"So happy happy birthday
From all of us to you
We wish you happy birthday
So we can have one too! HEY!"

<3

I'm happy. Almost.

In the depths
Of waters deep,
Slowly sink
Where fishes creep.

In the night,
I saw the truth,
Which in the light
Was held aloof.

I watch the bubbles
Jauntily rise,
And feel no water
In my eyes.

Letting go
Of these old lies,
Has made me love
And realize,

Our hearts are all
The same in size,

I'm letting go,
With these goodbyes.

Through which I feel everything,
Is now clear.
The world is open for me.
One simple change,
And I'm on the Path again.
Thanks, Universe.

And no,
I can't explain
The feelings I feel now,
They've been here
Hiding
Waiting for me
To come on
   back
     down.

Let's let go of all there was
Before this day and night
Because,
Before these clouds, there was a sky,
Before this morn, there was a night,
And though I ran to you in fright
I ran
To you
Regardless.

So let's hold on to all there is,
Before we crash and burn from
This,
And in the light, I'll see your face,
And soon, there will not be a chase,
And though some day we'll miss these days,
I'll be
With you
Regardless.

You were to me as a pear on a shelf
In a sterile world, claimed friend to my health.
At first sight, yellow, spotted like the rest,
A little more so, (they say those are the best)
So I picked you out, wrapped in my plastic love,
I took you home; you were attractive enough.
I touched you, cold, weathered leathery skin,
From the several storms you stayed tethered in.
But I didn't mind the flaws you presented;
I held you, bit softly, your smooth skin consented.
You filled me with sugar, smelling sweet and yet biting,
Dripping, so wet in the half-hindered lighting.
Gritty and crisp like a World War II gunner,
Yet syrupy sweet like an indulgent summer.
As time welcomed shadows, I chewed to your core;
your succulent nature was less than before.
Silent in sorrow, I gazed at the truth:
Stringy and course, your manner uncouth.
Thus, as with most, you cannot sustain
Someone biting deep, digging into your brain,
For a bitter brown core is all that remained,
And your friendly façade was never the same.

What can I say for my past?
Mistakes crawled out of my system
And into my world
with each careless thought that echoed
Throughout my conscious reality...
But I can say for myself,
I never let it be "okay".
I never let a callous grow,
Over the innocent light of my soul.
I never let myself accept my wrong-doing
I never allowed myself to feel happy.
I always felt as if I was meant to be perfect.
And I always tried.
But being perfect means doing the right thing.
And the right thing, being synonymous with
Pain
Suffering
And solitude,
One doesn't often purposely throw themselves into such a chamber of Hell.
But cleansing, it is, and always will be.
To erase our wrongs, there is no way.
But to change our most deep-rooted,
Destructive choices...
That is the way to ensure a clean soul.
And a peaceful mind.

Now, I am her,
Who I know myself to be.
I'm alone, but I have myself back,
And that's all that matters.

Why on earth
did I run, you ask?
Well let me lay
it out for you:
I cannot change
what I have done,
Neither can you,
to be true.
We might have been
Strong as we once were
But those days are gone
Not to return.
Even if we tried,
Gave it a go,
Memories of my wrongs
In your mind, would burn.
You wouldn't be able
To let it go.
Don't kid yourself.
I know you know,
As well as I:
"Forgiveness is divine,
But never pay full price
For late pizza."
Basically, you can't forget.
I know you can't.
Anyway,
what I should have done
Was told you the sad truth:
That I still love you.
That would have scared you off,
So this void i feel now
Wouldn't be my fault.


Shoulda
coulda
woulda.

Someone
like
me,
Could never be with
Someone
like
you.
And you could never be
Someone
like
him,
And I could never love
Again.
And you could never be
The one.
The past can never be
Redone.
And I am too strong
A woman
And you are too weak
A man
And he was too cold
A heart
I chose to break
Apart
Just to live beside
My sanity,
inside of my own
Vanity.
And it's all over now
I've told you much
And we've been done...
Since the moment
We'd begun.

I'm screaming inside of myself.
Nothing is stopping the pain,
but the skin on my soul.

I'm in a uniform,
I'm in my jeans,
I'm in my night clothes,
I'm naked under water,

The desire to cry out
Tear's at my throat,
To yell anything into the void,
To release the shame,
the embarrassment,
angst and anxiety.

Tell myself it will be "OK".
After all, it's just today.

It's just a day.

Love is a dream
or so they say,
my winter heart,
it begs to play
“unfreeze me please”
you’ll hear it say
“for I miss the warmth of summer.”

And love is young
though I am old,
they say it can
unwind the cold
like ticking clocks
and bells of old;
echoes fading into silence.

And love is kind
but I am scared
of fangs beneath
the lips you bear.
The last one said
he also cared,
so I am slow to trusting.

‘Cause love is cruel,
and I’m not new;
affected words
and lover’s cues,
strangled trust
and selfhood, too,
I’ve the eulogies to prove it.

But love is birth;
it can give life.
If I could let
the dead horse lie,
and promise you
that I will try
to want to become different.

To love at all
is to have felt
your stolen heart
transcend yourself,
blessed by the hand
of God Himself,
the seeming giver of your dreams,

but to love again,
it is a choice,
to speak aloud
in broken voice,
“Though it may hurt,
still I rejoice,
though it may end,
still I rejoice,
take all I am,
still I rejoice,”
and try, though hard it seems,
to remember how to dream.
Remember how to dream.

Must **** to be so miserable
pining on, day after day
wishing that there was a way
to make your life more livable.

It must **** to talk so much
about people you know nothing of,
people that you claim to love;
It’s safe to say, you’re out of touch.

It must **** to envy me
To wonder what you did so wrong
for me to leave you for so long,
ignore you so, and be so free.

I hope it ***** to see me there,
looking, feeling better than
you, and all your failed plans…
Your mass destruction's but a stare. :)

I lay here awake
Speaking past the plaster,
To wind, blown north,
Past where Jesus was born,
And some mother is being abused somewhere.
As I spoke and cried inside,
I cringed at the thought of water.

The red lining of a white cloud
Glares me down
Past the cut grass,
And the ***** houses
With the nice front doors.

I wanted pain for you
I wanted pain for me,
But no one would learn,
Because no one would feel pain.
We are a world of the immune.
Numbed by the convenient fog
Because the clouds are too lazy
to feed the Earth
and
Rain.

Sometimes I think I'm going insane.
Other times I think I'm being dramatic.
Both thought patterns are seemingly logical.
But they can't both be right.
.... It feels like insanity.
If there's a hell, I think being in my head is where it's at.  
"Welcome to Hell"
right on my ******* forehead.
I hope I'm not destined to depression for the rest of my ******* life.
I asked the Universe for a sign.
I **** you not, it illuminated the "No".
**** me, right.
I don't know. There's no reason to be upset.
No clouds. So no silver lining.
Just nothing.
Floating down the depths of dark abyss in which nothing is felt under an ominous ebony cloud of are you ******* kidding me why am I writing no one's reading this anyway.

Being so young
We do not delve
Into retrospect,
Examination of self,
But I myself
Dramatic and sad,
Do nothing but
Covet things I once had.
In Life, the moment,
We step from the nest,
We're writing our history
With each little test.
Every moment we waste,
Every second we're still,
Is a page in our life book
Til we die or are killed.
Two fully breathed turns
I've been out of school
I've ruined my life
Made myself a fool.
This is the history.
It's now to be mine.
Though I can't rewrite it,
don't mean I'm not trying.

"He's brilliant."
Well, you are brilliant too.
"Only if you say so."

Nothing.

I don't want to hurt you.
Not like he hurt me.
It's not my intention,
But my actions,
Like echos of the wrongs inflicted,
Leave my soul conflicted.
All the dreams depicted
By my words,
that turned into nothingness,
Tell me I should hold out,
Hold off,
On the love I want to be real.
I envy you
And all that you are.
I ride on apathy
Until I'm well enough to feel again.

I am bigger than you
Because I don't think that I am.
I'm trying so hard to let go.
I can look in the mirror now,
And see not my face, but his.
I don't want to be like him.
I don't want to hold
These insecurities he carried
When it was him that I loved.
Now I see here
This boy who is me, back then.
And I am he who was to afraid to love me.
I keep feeling that I'm ugly.
I don't want to be ugly.
Not now. Not when he is so beautiful
To me.
I pray for release
From this death within myself.

Yes, it happened to me.
I was there
In the warm moonlight
Of his touch.
The fire glowing,
Revealing the lines
Of my hands,
So slowly caressing
His face.
The stars grew bright,
The promise of life,
In this thing that we had
That grew bigger than us,
And took over everything else.
He held me,
His touch, I had only dreamed about.
But in the present,
In that moment,
Time froze for us.
And I told you,
The words spilling out of my lips
As carelessly as laughter,
And you held it and returned it to me.
We had everything in our heads
And no one else knew.
I loved you then.
But couldn't find that word.
Why? When I had just found you.

Glum am I, engrossed in grey mourning fog,
Wherefore, I do not possess knowledge of.
My present is but "now", this ashy grog,
Yet, there am I, in youthful days of love.
I bounce on bubbles of a buoyant laugh,
Expelled from throat that swore his perfection.
Denouncing prophets of a coming wrath,
I dance upon clouds of this connection.
Now I return, and laugh in bitter mirth.
It fits; two types of innocence should die.
Three years pregnant, my sensible rebirth,
For death does dwell in letters of a lie.
These swells of fog recede, I am alive;
A better woman, left, to live and thrive.

I suppose I can say
          that this is the end,
and that was the start,
          and I can't pretend
to be who you thought
          that I should have been.
                                   As to what you expected;
                                   we're not even friends.
I guess we were both kinda wrong in the end.

The feeling of wonder
For a life of thunder
The hail pelts all,
This indifferent punishment
What for?
This life that's under
All the weight of sins before,
And we can't fight it anymore.
Here we stand
With open arms
Open eyes
Open hearts
To the pain and suffering,
To the understanding
Of life and all of it's pointlessness.
To say I'm sorry
Is not enough
To live with clarity
Is not enough
To remember you
Is not enough.
God will hold you
For my return.
Just so I can embrace
All that you were and are.
So I can love you
With the fullness of understanding.
I've missed you.
I'll miss you
Till then.

I lost my voice
when I forgot
the secret of the craft.
What secret, love, is that?
The written word
not born of mouth,
no mother, none at all,
not even you
Not I?
It’s true,
Yet, can’t escape the draw;
composing with my maw—
So choking on the weight
of all that I have written;
hands are bound behind me
with all that I’ve forgot—
Oh, words that I’ve forgot!
*(It’s only writer’s block.)

I looked upon a tree tonight,
The wind caressed my hair,
And in my broken state of mind
I saw Him standing there.
There once was a flower
Blooming big
With beauty in it's solitude.
I remember my hands with anger
Ripping it without care.
I placed the flower in my room,
The next day it was dead.
And in my heart there was the trouble
And sadness in my head.
I looked upon the tree tonight,
And saw that empty space,
I turned my head, with tears, upright,
And pensive, saw instead,
A bud, still blooming,
And another,
Then another still,
All the way up to the top,
It's true, the tree was filled.
Though I killed my beautiful love,
There's hope in life, and hope above,
And God is here, what I've mourned of,
Is passed, and gone until,
I reach my hand
Up to the sky,
This hope
Is all
I have tonight,
And watch the stars
Above, burn bright,
Oh what loving,
Forgiving
Sight.

Little boy
So confused
Full of love
Everything
To lose.
In my head
I leaned in
For kisses that
Would not have been.
You turn away
Writing on walls
Yet, the wall,
To me it calls.
Figure it out
Figure out life,
Dying boys
Lay in the night.

Subdued warm in my breast is
a long-forgotten embrace of my worth.
Unhindered by
suffocating imprints,
old behaviors.
I face a screen of the moment, shining clear
in high-definition of reality,
a new definition of what it means to live.
Outside the sinister assumption
that protection
keeps our Fear at bay,
when, actually,
the very, very same
will keep the hated fiend
in your soul,
at play.

“I think that I love him,”
I wrote down in my journal that day.
Words scrawled across the page
curling like timid spring tendrils.
I swam in it all afternoon,
turning pruney with the feeling.
Indulging in the thought that this
was what I’d long been needing.
But day turned into night,
things changed within the hour;
lovely feelings, slowly budding,
became shrunken withered flowers.
With a friend I had been talking,
he asked, “What do you know about Justin?”
The air was cool on my teeth as I smiled,
“It’s hard to know about Justin.”
In that moment, my heart was swollen
with hope that my friend would spill
words that I could indulge on
like red wine to the ears,
and I felt my face turn ruddy
with anticipation of the pleasure,
it was almost too much bear—
my beating heart could hardly wait—
And within that same moment, he said,
“Well he really likes your roommate.”

I found you today.
By chance, not accident.
Though it may seem,
I lie by the precedent.
I don't expect you
To read this and know,
Or think that I care.
But the truth is, I do.
I don't expect you
To ever view me in the Light
For that matter, anywhere.
But I'm happy for you.
I'm happy for you.
I could feel the relief
That time-passed
Graced you with.
Could hear the smile
In your voice,
And the strength used
For facing this.
And the love
In your heart
For all that you are
And can be.
And I'll be forever,

happy for you.

The moment is subtle,
Raindrops on the lake.
The sun warms my tired face
Your look is not fake.

But you own me, you know this,
That gleam in your eye.
I hold onto your chest,
Glance up at the sky  

All that I thought of,
All that I knew
About me and myself,
Is destroyed by you.

The moment is simple,
I waited for this.
You lean in I lean in....
The good morning---


*wakes up

Poems never written,
Pain, never placed in aesthetic positions,
for other's enjoyment, or my own ego,
but left to float away
like butterflies in the ether
of nothingness that is forgotten.
Yes, rest in peace,
and no we don't bury you with gold,
we don't wish you a thousand slaves,
we don't even have flowers.
But these are my gifts,
my art, gone unwritten,
they go out to you, dear.
Out, and on to you.

The precipice
The fall, un-fell...
                      To cliffs, successful cling.
                       I see the sea,
                       its foaming maw,
                       wide open, just for me.

                       To step or not to step,
but there cannot be a question.*
                       Face is pale and rope is frail,
                       "REPEL!" The crowd does jeer.
                       But I can't expel the fear;

                       For if I succeed--cling till I die--
                       or tie my noose right here,
                       the end result is clear.

                       Must cliffs be so sheer?

Learn to let go,
Accept,
Accept.
How my heart aches.
For therapy
In the pain.
And knowing why.
The truth,
We all know it.
No matter how long
We've forsaken it for.
There's nothing
You can say
To change me.
It's what you don't say,
What's implied,
Makes me think.

Nothing
Nothing
Happens here.
In the light
That sheds itself
Upon the walls.

You must clean
To breathe
Just breathe
To survive,
Not needing.
In need of no one.
No love for
A thing,
But love itself.
No idea
Why or where
It became so hard
Just to live.

And everything falls.
Nothing goes up
Past the age of innocence.

Every wise word,
Every sad instance,
Plucked from
Something easier
To bear
Than to remember.

What are women
To men of strength,
Other than dumb
Picturesque backdrops
Accentuating their
Own success and vanity.

No words...
No words.

I don't write of beauty.
I've tried to reconnect with the world,
In the simple way, perforated innocent youth,
But they know. They sense I am not pure.
The woman across the counter:
The spunky pixie cut and cherry red lips.
I hand over my cash and a smile,
asking, begging with my eyes to be smiled at, too.
She drops three dollars and 73 cents into my palm,
and a suspicious glance into the air between us,
I leave with a sorrow, seen unwarranted.
Sitting outside in a chill and an iron chair
where others may dare to enjoy themselves
I attempt to compose, finding that my heart is closed,
and my hand is scribbling nonsense into empty space.