I hardly know what I'm doing
As I ask the clerk for a pack of naturals behind the counter.
My make-up from yesterday's shift preserved nicely,
So the exchange followed suit.
I'm not good at this.
Naturally.
Fifteen minutes before walking into the convenient store
I paced the empty terminals of a car wash
Rehearsing my demeanor and forced eye contact.
I hate eye contact.
Stand tall and look confident.
But not too confident.
Be charming,
But not desperate.
Don't try to be ****.
(You're not ****.)
I'm four foot ten
And twenty years old.
Buying a pack of cigarettes for an addiction I don't carry
Shouldn't be this hard.
I'm not damaged,
I'm not drunk.
I'm not struggling,
And I'm certainly not a cigarette smoker.
But I'm here,
In Boston,
Stuck in-between the fibers of a girl
Who writes bad poetry and
Hardly knows what she's doing with much of anything.
Naturally.

After months and months Day after agonizing Day
they tell me she can't live through another night but she lingers somewhere
between this world and the next. Three days of this and every night they tell me the same thing.
After months of taking care of her by myself without Family or Friends honoring her request to die at Home and with Dignity. I have done my best for her without any qualms. Getting up every 2 hours to give her meds to keep her comfortable and out of pain living on coffee. tea or cokes. Caffiene running in my veins.
My Heart perpetually in my throat, the ache so bad I can't even describe it.

THREE DAYS AGO I need your arms around me holding me tight so I would know there was still life in me.
And Yesterday I needed your shoulder to cry on when I fell to pieces. All day I was one big mess.
And when I cried myself to sleep last night I needed your touch so badly that I was the one dying with the need.

But today I turned cold inside remembering you say you Love me, you say
you are there for me Always. You say I am your heart forever,
But the SILENCE of you the past three days have shouted through the rooftop of my heart, that all you did was Lie to me during my most vulnerable time.

I just want to yell
"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
   WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT'? when I needed you to talk to, you said you had business  and all I got was SILENCE the past three days.

WELL THE PAST THREE DAYS HAVE COME TO TONIGHT AND NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE NOW OR WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW,
LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE THE SILENCE FOREVER CAUSE THESE THREE DAYS HAVE SHOWN ME THAT I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE. I MADE IT THROUGH

IF I CAN SURVIVE THIS FROM YOU DURING THESE HORRIBLE DAYS AND NIGHTS OF HELL ON EARTH THEN I CAN SURVIVE THE REST OF THIS LIVING HELL
                                            WITHOUT YOU!

IT'S YOUR LOSS

YOU HAVE JUST LOST THE BEST PART OF YOU!

                                 SILENCE
                                         SILENCE
                                                    GONE!­

Stop trying to remember his scent, he smelled like summer and reminds you of the time he made you laugh so hard, you snorted out milk on that dead, hazy day.

2. Don't waste your day trying to decipher what colour his eyes were, it'll only remind you of the galaxies and constellations that you once saw in his eyes

3. Stop trying to retrace the shape of his mouth in the middle of the night, you'll choke on your tongue trying to taste the mint he devoured seconds before pulling you in for a kiss

4. Stop reliving the times you clasped hands together, the glass plate will fall off your trembling hands.

5. Burn this list, admit that the galaxies and constellations shining in his eyes were wilted, the one in yours are bursting with fire. Remember on the dead, hazy day his laugh sounded like nails running down a chalkboard. Remember when you kissed, the weeds growing from his mouth entangled the roses blooming in yours.

Realize that one day, another boy is going to come and plant daisies where he left behind thorns.

there are times when
I consciously feel
your fingers running
across my skin,
through my hair;
feel your lips behind my ear,
feel your heart beat closely
to my chest.
there are times when every part
of me is connected
to every part of you.
but nowadays, my mind often
wanders -- your hands are on
my hips, and I think of
the laundry, or Hemingway,
or yesterday's news.
it is the nature of the mind
to separate from the body.
it is human nature to disconnect
and detach. the mind tends to
wander off on its own.
you kiss me and I think of
my plans for the summer
and recipes for tiramisu.
there are times when
I am aware of all the ways
you touch me;
but lately, most times
my hands don't feel
like my own.

romance is giving me the last bite of your sandwich even though it's the best part with the cheese running down the sides
romance is holding the door for me when your arms are full of books and papers
romance is playing with my ***** hair when i haven't showered in days because you know i love it
romance is patiently holding water to my lips when i'm too drunk to keep my hand steady
romance is giving me your last cigarette when i've had a long day, even though i know you won't be able to scrape together change for a new pack
romance is asking me to marry you with a key ring because that's all we have the money for because we're young and crazy
romance is sitting in the back of the car laughing at nothing because our eyes get so squinty when we're ******
romance is leaving what you're doing to come pick me up when i called you crying for no reason
romance is holding my hand and my head and my heart in silence when i can't find the words to express the chaos inside my own mind
romance is listening to me ramble about the same old ****, and caring just as much as when i told you the first time
romance is the way you smile when i'm sad, the way you cradle my head in your neck, the way you kiss me on the nose, the way you text me good morning and goodnight every day, the way you tell me you love me and mean it
romance is you, and me, together

You're nothing like
a good back massage
after a really long day.

You're more of a toe
that has been stubbed
off a coffee table
at 3 am;

You **** me off.

what shall I be today