A genuine smile coupled with
     light-hearted teasing
Is equivalent to a nervous smile
     combined with instinctive defense
We gamble by adding a toothy grin
     which in return receives blushing
One "good morning" is worth
     a smile and groggy "how are you?"
One "awe ******" may receive
     up to two "how many steps?"
A cat-like sneeze equals a "bless you"
     but a cough is worth "are you alright?!"
So, I wonder...
     how much is a ten digit phone number worth?

And don't return
At least not until
I truly love myself undeniably
I keep wanting to email you
But I promised myself
I wouldn't cave

Here,
Have my hand to hold
I will help you up
When you fall to pieces
I will celebrate with you
When you feel great joy
I will hold you
When you cry
I will battle each of your fights
Life is a roller coaster
And I am here for you
No matter what
Because if I weren't
Could you call me friend?

I want to do something spectacular
Something reckless and beautiful
Something fearless and live-changing
Every single day
I want to feel crazy and daring
Feel bold and loved
Feel excited and optimistic
Every single day
I want to do something that matters
Something without regrets
Something without being held back
I want to make every single day
As beautiful as anything can be

The foolish pitter patter
Of a heart so tender
A flame kindled higher
Everything feels fresh
New
Young
Charmed and enchanted
Bright glimmering smiles
Of a youthful hope, naive and excitable

I am so sick and tired
Of everyone trying to fill me with reason
And logic that has no meaning
I'm so done with
The insane attempts to flood
Me with thoughts that are
Not my own
Why don't you try to
Make me feel differently about
This ****** world
Through actions
Because your words are just
Letters slammed down your throat
And into your mind
You are a doll to society
But you can change that
Let's fill hearts with emotions
And rid everyone of the parasitic thoughts
Crammed into our heads

I've already found my home
I'm looking for our house

Is much more difficult than I imagined
I thought I could just look in a mirror
But when I did that
I just saw all the people I have ever known
It was horrifying
I saw the memories eating at my face
Pulling my skin apart
Like ribbon
I saw them placing their own characteristics
In place of mine
If that's who I am them I'm ready for change
I know there is more to me in this world
Than memories and reflections
So I went to the river
I dipped my toes in as the storm approached
And the current pulled me under
I fought with all I had
But I can't swim
Instead I choked on those particles of lies
That had started to create me
Blackness swelled in my vision which was almost non-existent to begin
When I could see again
I was on the bank of the river just a half mile from where I had been
But that's the thing
I travelled that half mile
And I survived
The facades built did not

Many of the greatest things
I've encountered in my life
Start with my philosophy
Five seconds of brave
Sometimes there's a second of
Oh ****
That follows from crippling fear
But those five seconds
Are all it takes to change things
My greatest friends come from this philosophy
My greatest accomplishments
Are direct results of courage
We can't walk through life in terror
Carpe diem
Seize the day
Take every opportunity to change for the better
And never let fear stop you
Because it only takes five seconds
Five seconds of brave
With maybe a single second of
Oh **** to follow
But never to regret

Have you not realized that
The butterflies are there
To make you lose
Your ******* mind

First
You put on your best face
Because you are unprepared
To bear any flaws
That appear in your
Outer
Self, where you are sewn together
With a thin loosing thread
That once it breaks
Will reveal things
Inner
Because you've gained
Some form of confidence
Through compassion
And you know you shouldn't
But you expect it to
Last*
So the final goodbye hurts
Far more than it would've
Had you not gotten involved
To begin with

Isn't it funny that
Hookers and religious activists
Stand on parallel corners
Of the same street?

For the beautiful yet broken soul
I am here to inform you
That though you feel it, you are not alone
I understand my words bring little
To no comfort or solace

For the shattered hear void of hope
I need you to know
My heart was the same
But I relinquished my fear of love
And was overwhelmed by infinite dreams

For the child in us all
I want to explain
That the fear you harbor
Is an unhealthy addiction
Flee from the hatred and hold your head high

Dear, for the other you that you hide
I beg you to take
My hand and fly away to the sun
Steal back your aspirations and lay down the gun
For you'll always have my hand to hold
Even when we are weary and old

Your brave yet broken soul
Your loud but open heart
Inspires me
You speak a great game
And you even walk the walk
Your metaphorical outlook shines
You're so strong
As you hold your head up
Admitting your faults
Scared to death
Such courage courses through your veins
After such a clouded past
With family and life
But those choices led you to today
And I love every bit of you
Flaws and all
You're a beautiful mother
A fantastic person
And an even better cousin

Your antique spoons will stain my wrists
You Riveting Rosie I so greatly adore
Wherever you are I pray you are whole
I was there at the end
You don't remember me
Hell, Gramsy, you call me Mandy
I miss and it hurts
Oh God how it still hurts
But for the time we shared
I am so grateful
You are my inspiration
To guide others
Others just like you
To their final resting place
Three generations later
And this is my ode to you

You both have such beautiful minds
Beautiful hearts
Beautiful souls
Sweet Eleanor and wondrous Ezra
Everytime my visitation is granted
You are lights in my world
And you open my eyes
Remember these words that I have for you

Never stop loving fearlessly
Because once you do, the world has won
Fight like the princess and prince you are
Only you can choose your kindnesses
Speaking of which,
Always always choose kindness
There is never reason not to
If I catch you being even a little bit mean
You can be assured I will be talking for hours
Please know that time is not money
Time is love
Spend your time on family and friends
The rest will fall in place eventually

But above all else
*Never stop searching for the beautiful in each day

You cannot haunt me anymore
You threw me away
I ran back
You threw me away
I ran back
You threw me away
I ran back
You threw me away
You ran back
I threw you away
I told myself I was done with you
That I didn't need that abuse
That I didn't need you
But then I thought I did
So I ran back
Oh **** was she ******
And I was ****** at me too
After all I went to someone
Who has done nothing but hurt me
Searching for solace
Then I threw you away
I deleted you altogether
But there's still times when I hear that
******* song
And I can't help but cry
There are times when I see a car
That looks just like yours
And I can't help but wonder
This isn't a love poem by any means
You're the one thing I hate
But you're a ghost of my past
I thought I had dropped
Yet find myself still hanging on
Why the **** won't you leave
Me alone
You don't care
And I don't want you
So if your God is real
May He grant me some solace
And rid you from my mind
Because for the last time in forever
Will the ghost of you
And your false declarations of love
Haunt my ****** up as it is
Soul

Hopefully

Dreams cannot be the sole foundation
For everything
Dreams can be the starting point
But a foundation of dreams
Is almost as bad as a
A foundation composed by
A web of lies
Like lies
Dreams often fall through
True sometimes dreams are enough
But you have to use common sense
And hard work
To build a house to store your dream
Foundation

Hold my hand for my heart is far too fragile

I miss your writing
And at the latest hours of the night
I toss and I turn
Pleading for more words
Less anguish
O! this horrid waiting to know
What it is that weighs upon
Your beautiful soul
And I lay awake as the sun
Sits upon the horizon
Creeping up, killing the night sky
I think of not just your poems
But of you
Wondering how my friend
Could possibly be out in this
Altogether too large of a world
But when I say that I am missing
Your poetry
What I'm really saying is
I miss you

I'm the front page trainwreck
You can't help but stare
You know there's little hope of survival
But you can't help but to hope
That somewhere I'm still breathing

You're a front page trainwreck
I wish I was there
Piecing together where it went wrong
And loving every beautiful flaw
That makes you

We are front page train wrecks
Beautifully crashed together
On the same tracks
Head on collision
On the Reality Railroad

Sweetened cereal
Rolled out corn
In funny shapes
Fills my mouth
And excites my tongue
This cereal that has witnessed
My whole life
Has no clue what
Impact it still makes
It takes me back to
A simpler place
Deep inside my soul
Where innocence roams freely
And love surrounds my bones
I did not bleed blood when I fell
But instead I merely bled
Faith
Maybe that's why I am
Where I am
Today

Señor Garcia Marquez
Whatever did you mean
When you wrote of life
And of death by family
I'm in love with
Prudencio Aguilar's ghost
Roaming about the Buendía household
Hole in his throat
Washing out the wound
But what did you mean?!
I'm in love with
Do it yourself chastity belts
And Ursula's fear of ***
But why is this even a theory
Your concept behind biracial inbreeding
And Señor do not get me started
On Melquíades and José Arcadio Buendía
Because that friendship was
Fated to be doomed
I mean no disrespect in all this
I just want to know
Why use Macondo as an allegory
For the Angel Gabriel
You're genius, really
But your run on paragraphs
Infuriate every ounce of my writing soul
You're a Columbian Tolstoy
I mean that as no insult
Your works are tremendous and outstanding
But what am I doing
You're now just an old dead man
"Under the ground"
So now I belong to figure out
Why Pilar needs to fill a void
Opened by a ******
And why Colonel Aureliano Buendía
Thinks of his fond memory of ice
Just before being killed
I've paid my respects to your work
Please pay respects to my search

As I watch the water in this glass
Sitting still on the coffee table
I think back to that day on the lake
When the water stood still
And the sun sank on fire
On the rocky beach where we sat
I, in my sundress,
You, in your board shorts and sliders
Which now makes me smile
With disgust at my youthful naivety
And sorrow for your advantageous attitude
That I know has gotten you in dark places
As I watch the unwavering solidity
Of the mahogany table
And its stains and grains and knots
I am reminded of
That long cold winter when the power
Was nonexistent for almost a week
And the snowbanks raised above
My front door
And how devastated you were that you could not visit
I consider myself lucky for those days
As I stare at these bruised wrists
Full of memories and unfortunate mishaps
I can't help but to be moved
And scared at the possibility of relapsing
Into that dark wormhole of depression
Seemingly impossible to escape
As I stare at this glass full of water
Still as stone on my table
I feel a single tear roll down my throat
For I am flooded with memories
And feelings galore
This glass of motionless water
Floods me with life

I am sitting here
Almost two full years later
(One week until to be exact)
And I still can't get you out of my head
It's late night phone calls that flood my memory
Like 12:46 AM
And You saying things like
"Please go to sleep, it's so late,
And I don't want you hurting in the morning"
And
"If I say something really sweet--
Well I think it's sweet, at least--
Will you go to sleep"
Then
"I want to be your first kiss"
But B, that's just who you are
You're the divide and conquer kind
It's little lines like
"I owe a penny"
And a competitive
"Well, I owe 100 pennies"
That make me want to cry
It's references to songs
And wanting to end my self inflicted scarring
When in reality
You are a part of that collection
It's that 11 PM call
Where you "met" my mother
If we could even call it that
It's two days later
And the first "I love you"
And me almost crying as those words
Tumbled from your mouth
I believed it all
I believed in you
But then it became
"You're a great girl
But I don't think this will work"
I waited for two weeks
Before making a mistake and coming back
I didn't think it was a mistake
When you asked for a date
Of cuddling on your uncle's couch
Because you just got your license
And wanted me to be first in your car
It was supposed to be teriyaki and your favorite movie,
Hercules
And you wouldn't have cared if I sang along
With every single song
Because you loved the idea
Of a private screening
Not in a ****** way
But of course,
You were a sixteen year old boy
You wanted ***
I can't believe I actually thought about it
And the simple words that
Made me believe it could happen
"Of course I'm upset, Silly,
I didn't get to see my girl"
A few days later the silence came
Because you decided
You couldn't date me because I attended
The school of your past
But you decided to date her
A character of the past attending your school of the past
You even convinced her to runaway with you
When CPS pulled some ******* moves
With your abusive father and standby mother
I could've been that girl
I could've loved you forever
I remember December
When you told me you'd found God
And tried to help convert me
You were the only one I'd let call me
"Sammie"
I've always thought it weird that
You were allowed to flirt with me
But it couldn't be me flirting with you
Even with your migraine
And my offer to give
"All the pennies in the world to make it all better"
I learned that's because you'd leave
Three days later
I waited **** near a year
Before reaching out to you again
With a letter drafted
A total of
Twenty-eight times
Because of an English teacher
Encouraging thanks
You replied and I filled with hope
Only for you to ask me to stop talking to you
And your friends
Even though Matt is my friend, too
But before leaving again
I was aware of the biggest backstabbing
In all of history
You were back with the friend I was defending
That brought us together
That made fun of your invisible genitals
I cried mercilessly
And ran to the bathroom
Throwing my body against the wall
Almost breaking my fists
Then I cooled off
Walked to the floor where
Bailey and I were dining
She on a turkey sandwich
With cheese, mustard, and olives
Myself on a buffet of tears
When I saw a tall figure I somehow knew was you
Signing out
She thought I was delusional
But when she turned
All she could say was,
"Samm...that is him"
And I huffed up my chest
Stuck up my head
Dried my eyes
And bit my lip
I held it together for a
Full five seconds
After you walked out the door
And I ran faster than I'd ever run before
Faster than you'd ever run before
Even with football before your shoulder
And bashed a dent in that concrete wall
You tried to contact me
January of this year
We talked for a bit because I'm stupid
When it comes to the past
But then I called you a *******
And you left
I didn't talk to you until May afterward
Before Cole broke my heart
But B,
*******
Please stop haunting me
Please leave me alone

I'm broken
Not bent
I need to remove all this awful
That weighs down on my soul
I'm skeptical
For all the right reasons
But I'm at a new low
Beyond suicidal thoughts
I know that will solve nothing
I've reached the ultimate zero
And I'm ******* dying
I'm starved for love and validation
I'm told I don't need
I'm hurting so much
I'm yearning for someone to hold me
And I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep
Making kittens suicidal
Heaving silent wails
And desperate cries for help in
The never ending wavepool
Of life that doesn't hear the weak
And emotionally disabled
Beg for equality
And plead for
Love
So God if You're listening
Please ease all this hate
Breeze away all this pain
Because I've been hurting
For ten long lonely years
And I need some validation
Right about now

I am Icarus
Flying too close to the sun
I feel the black wax
Melting down my spine
My paper thin feathers
Burning to a crisp
The earth below me is
Threatening and I know
There is no going back
Yearning to be met by someone
Who can match my ambition, match my
Terrifying enormous heart
And throw themselves into the ocean without fear

Just because a word is spoken
Doesn't mean it is heard

Soot soils souls
.
Racquets ritually regress

Don't play Russian roulette with a full chamber

If a boy says "I love you"
He's probably an *******

Anyone can catch a fish with a hook
But few can do so with simple honesty

I am surrounded by an ocean of fear
Fear of pain and fear of regret
Fear of love and fear of reject
Fear of losing everything
Fear of losing nothing
A blanket of insecurity is clenched in my fist
Insecurities of self-sufficiency
Insecurities of self-destruct
Of deserving a better fate
Of being far too **** late
I live in a harbor of fear
And am anchored by insecurities

I believe I lost my train of thought
At the "Oh My, Did You Hear Him
Talking About Sylvia Plath Like That
Junction"
I believe I lost my guarded heart
At the station ten minutes back
Before we even began starting to speak
Of "all the possibilities and miracles"
That occur in everyday life
Even though we've "been let down so often"
Because we "still believe there's a chance
That cupid could decide"
To be kind again and honest
And we "believe in forever"
I think I lost my mind
Because I must have forgotten
How hurt I've been before
Maybe though
Someday I will meet this man

Maybe
I'll
Sacrifice
Sorrow

Because
All
I really need to know
Lays in that
Elegant mind belonging to
Youth

Living in memories
Ever so sweet yet
Ever so destructive

All I need to do is move
Nearer to the goal line
Nearer to the right state of

Mind
Artistically imagining that fine line between
Reality and fiction
Trying to regain
Intricacy in this life I live right
Next to you

thump
thump
thump
My head on your chest
Your hand on my breast
A soft hum and stir
Vibrating in my ears
Rising from an internal cavity
A gentle up and down
Motion of your stomach
Reminds me you're asleep
Which reminds me,
I wanted to tell you something:
I love the way you can always
ALWAYS
Find something worth laughing about
I love the way your voice itself
Is poetry
I love the way you get stressed out
But still make time to
Listen to my woes
I love the way you tell me
Everything will be okay
Everything will be right
I love the way you remind me
We'll see each other soon
I love the way you refuse to see
Any of my negative qualities
And even if you do you see the
Silver lining
I love the way you swing your racket
And how your cheeks puff up
When concentrated
I love the way your blue eyes
Are so full of hope
And wonder
I love the way you say my name
When you tell me goodnight
Goodmorning
And that you love me
I love the little spirals you
Get yourself into
Because I know you trust me
Speaking of which
I love the way you trust me
Like a child trusts their parents
I love the way you talk about getting married
I even love the way your pants
Get just a *little too tight sometimes
But to sum up everything
Into one small, impactful sentence:
I love you
That's what I think
As I hear your heartbeat
Can I know how you feel, too?

You have got to stop
Rushing head first into every little spark
Because sometimes they don't exist
And even when they do
You always end up hurt
I know you don't want to hear this
But just listen
Pull up the emergency brake
The next time you think about falling in love
Because that in itself is wrong
Completely, utterly, ridiculous
You shouldn't be thinking about falling in love
You seem to mistake the gas pedal
For the floor brake
You don't cohesively use left and right
It's like you don't know they could work together
So I am begging you
If you aren't going to use the full power of braking
Taking a heart recess
Then act like you are just beginning
Be terrified and brave
Gently press the gas
Not to hard
And if you start speeding
I'm go to pull your heart's emergency brake
Because whiplash in love
Is awful
Concessive hearts don't beat right
And a broken heart is always caused by
A heart not braking

The human heart has the loudest language imaginable
It's entirely universal
Yet also frighteningly individualistic
There's nothing that sounds worse
Than a heartbreak
It's messy and silent
With forced screams and (un)shed wails
It sounds like a body hitting the ground
After diving off the Empire State Building
It feels like death
And in some ways it is
Heart aches remind us we're living
With faint pangs of memories
After the heart break
It's the aftershock of a human made earthquake
It rocks your world
And brings tears to the eyes
Sometimes it's worse than a heartbreak
Because it's the resurfacing
Redamaging
Of those memories and that pain
Heart yearns are so natural
And caused by something
Simple as a crush
And complex as real as true
Earnest and genuine love
There's nothing more pure
Than a heart yearn
It's hope and light
Dashed with brilliancy and fear
Because there is nothing more exhilarating
Than the unknown endeavors of a heart

When I was 13 I read
The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight
And have been obsessed with math since

How all his words leave me on the edge of
My seat, and how his unending kindness causes
Me to fall harder and faster each
Second. The things he says without thinking
Are the absolute best
And I am completely his