me lying in an empty tub
whispering everything i hate
about myself

sometimes i wish for a car wreck
sometimes its cancer i seek
because i am disgusting/i am guilty/i am nothing/i am weak
i want a way out of this place
but i dont want to do it myself
cause flowers arent sent
to suicide victims
but rather to kids with bad health

and you promised me a hug after every game
but you havent kept that
and i promised to come to every game
but so far they've all been hellish
so i wont keep that either

I'm going to throw up I'm going to faint I'm going to hit the floor and let the blood pound pound pound in my head like a ******* drum like the one that our good friend Chris plays.
And I'm going to cry and I'm going to scream and I'm going to tear out my skin and my eyes will burn red like a sunrise like the sunrise we watched that morning when I gave you everything.
I'm going to hit the wall with my fists and yell and yell until my throat is raw and "why did I fall so ******* deep oh my gosh HOW WAS I SO STUPID SO. *******. Stupid."
I can't even type because my hands are shaking and my head is pounding and my chest is heaving and I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.

can you not see that the sorrow weighs me down as if i'm chained and thrown into that lake you dared me to jump in that one time. and maybe that's symbolic because i've always said drowning is the way i want to go. but i feel like i've already died a thousand deaths seeing you look into the eyes of another with the adoration that once was mine. it was foolish of me to think that someone of such magnitude would be with someone as normal as me. i got a perm and my nails were always chewed to nothingness. everything about me was average but you made me feel like i was important. you made me feel magnificent. and maybe it was just that my world was brighter with you in it because now i know there's nothing special about me. the only thing i ever had going for me was that i was with you.

i
want
to
die