i feel

    my ankles roll and fingers
crack. my eyes hurt.

i close the laptop and lie on
my bed
        in the dark.       in the dark.

why
        why
                why
    am
      i
   here.
          am i not gone
are you not gone.
away from me.

shadows creep across my room
the light leaks in from the street.

the night will be over soon and
morning will come and the
   sun
     will
rise
         rise
    rise
                   rise.

i wash the light from my
    eyes
              eyes
        eyes
                       ­   eyes.

  still searching for
the answer
        to the question that
      i havent asked.

my back hurts
every time           that i wake
       every time           that i rise
the sun high in the
                          clouds.

and at night i lie in the dark
      ( in the dark )
and I anxiously
    wait for the sun to
  r
  i
  s
  e
  .

i really liked the way it felt
earlier tonight
when your shoulder was
touching mine.

i liked the way you sat
down next to me
when there were a hundred
other seats your body could be.

i hated the way i
didn't say anything
when i really wanted
to say everything.

i hate the way i'm sitting here
in a hotel room, in a group of people,
but not with the person
i want to be with.
you.

and i hate the way that
everything ends
and how i miss every chance
i ever get and how
i can count the days i'll see you
on one hand and i can't even take it.

can you make it easy?
i want you to make it easy.
i want you, believe me.
i want you to love me.

i can't believe i haven't told you
i can't believe it hasn't happened
i wonder if you feel this way too
i wonder if you know that i feel
this way about you.

i really liked the way it felt
when you were near me.
it was the best feeling in a while,
actually, honestly.

i have a reoccurring dream about you
where we are happy.
are you happy without me?
would you be happier with me?
can you make it easy?
i want you to make it easy.
i want you, believe me.
i want you to love me.

i want to come visit you
when the weather gets warm,
when the garden is green.
i want you to come see me
when you're not busy.
i don't want to interrupt
but i can't be alone
when i am overgrown.
i know i'm sometimes verbose
and ugly and clingy and mean
but maybe you can see past that
and we can whisper in the back
of a car, or dance behind a screen
and bathe in the summer sun.

i just want you to know that i'm
always going to be here.
i won't do what i've wanted
so that i don't hurt you.
i will not desert you.
cause i don't want to go that much.
i don't want to miss your touch.

i know my past has been hard
and i haven't always been glad
a lot of my time has been spent
being sad.
but i'm getting better every day.

so i'll let you come visit me
when the weather gets warm,
when the garden gets green.
and i'll be waiting
because i can wait
as long as it takes.

i'm getting better every day.

i went for a run today and i couldn't catch my breath
and for some reason that's been happening often now.
it's like you only get so many breaths
and maybe i just don't have that many left.

i'm writing this poem right now and i'm using the font
that reminds me of your name.  it's not a pretty font,
but if you were a font, you wouldn't be pretty either.

i've been having trouble waking up in the morning.
my bedroom is too cold for me to jump out of bed.
i put socks on my feet to keep in the hear,
but when i wake up, the socks are lost in my sheets.

i get kind of nervous when i hear your name,
because this time last year, i didn't even know your name,
or who you were.

i have this weird bruise on my knee and i don't know where it came from.
it's dark purple and red and i'm worried.
i don't think i'd be able to handle losing my health,
but i kind of wonder how much i ever had it.

after june, i'll probably never see you again,
and you'll never think of me again.
i just wish you'd think of me, once.

sometimes during class i take my pulse
just to make sure it's still there.
it always is, and the i feel disgusted at myself
for wishing it wasn't.

well i don’t want to live longer than i have to
and i don’t want to leap longer than i must,
but my heart jumps out of my chest whenever
i think about staying down in town forever.

the flowers are over grown
i am left with i & i.
my skin is cut from stone;
my bones are made of ice.
i end. i return.

i am left with only vice.
my eyes rain.
my veins, their blood does course
through my body,
moving at a blind crawl:
to reach my fingers and toes.

the brazen image.
the ****** beat.
my knees drop from the air
to the level of my feet.
i am the bitter laugh
being released from your lungs.
you are the salt in the tears
the roll down my cheek onto my tongue.

the thief of sleep
or that eternal.
my eyes, they rain.
my body, it weeps.