I want experiences I shouldn't,
Can't,
Have.

I want someone I shouldn't,
Can't,
Want.

I'm weak.
So very weak.
My cravings threaten to tear me up.
They tell me I'm not enough
Without her.
That I will be empty
If I do not
Kiss
Touch
Taste
Her.

So I will be empty.

You are scared
I know
Your hands shake
Your eyes close
Your shoulders tense
As you worry yourself
Sick
Over doubts
And insecurities
Old wounds
And a past
That haunts you

But allow me
If you will
To take those fears
And cast them
So far away
Into the dark night
I will hold
You close
Inside of my heart
Forget your past
And look forward
With me

Loving you is
An acute sort of pain
One that has left me
Raw and empty
Or too full to process
There is no in between
And as a result
I no longer trust myself
And I'm afraid
That I'll be forever changed
Now that you have
Shown me what it is like
To love
And lose
You

hurting myself to protect you
because i'm the worst nightmare
you can possibly imagine
i want to destroy
you
so instead i will slowly destroy myself
in an attempt to control the
raging beast that threatens to break out
i will burn myself up
leaving just a shell of who i once was
but you'll be sheltered from the war
that's waging inside of my chest
spilling my spirit from so many wounds
the pain won't last forever
or so i tell myself
blood and bone
sweat and tears
they will be a shield between
you and i
that keeps you safe
and keeps me caged
my scars
will be the chains that hold me back
reminding me
that i was never enough for you
or rather
i was too much
so remember this next time you decide
to dismiss the sacrifices i have made
to keep you safe

Hot coffee, foamy and bitter
Scalds my tongue but I drink anyway
The clouds are low around my mountains
Trees are orange and red and
Nearly barren
My cheeks are cold and pink
And my fingertips trace the frost that's
Gathered on my window
I feel like the earth is preparing
For the change that is winter
And I am ready
For the rest that will come with
The first real snow fall
And the healing that happens underneath
For the reawakening that will occur
When the frost thaws
And my heart can finally beat
Without that ache
That has plagued me for far too long
With a quiet sigh
And eyes half shut
I will allow this period of rest
And recovery
And soothe my weary heart in
The balm of forgiveness

there's anticipation in the air
a hint of something to come
my soul can't see if it's good or bad
and it's unnerving

all i know is that my stomach is
knotted in this waiting
for something that i don't know
will come or when
maybe it's just the threat of the unknown
the lingering anxiety that comes with time

all i know is that i want it to stop
and let me rest
let my mind and heart be at peace
and let me feel that comfort that comes
with familiarity

There's a heaviness
In taking responsibility
For something that you know
Truly isn't your fault
But feeling it is anyway.
Like your soul knows you are blameless
But your brain tells you how
What happened was a direct result
Of something you did,
Even unintentionally.
And all that heaviness pushes and pushes,
Leaving no space to breath,
Only enough room for the knots
In your stomach
And the pain in your chest
To choke out any chance that you may have had
Of feeling innocent
And, instead,
Leaves you feeling less than worthy.

last night i wanted to feel something
i wanted to so badly
i sat and listened
and waited for an answer
for some sort of sign

it didn't come
and i left feeling a ringing in my ears
and a hollow echo
where my soul used to be
and numbness in place of a heart

its a strange experience
when you feel nothing
for so long
that you can't remember what it feels like
to feel anything at all

i.
you kissed and touched me
even when i begged you to stop
you stole my innocence
then blamed me for the tragedy
you stole my faith in men
in myself
in my ability to control situations around me
thank you for opening my eyes
to the terrors of the world
and in doing so
making me more cautious and jaded

ii.
you didn't believe me
you thought i was lying
or worse
that i had initiated it
you made me repent
and wash away the taint of
someone else's sin
breaking my trust in
an institution that had claimed
protection and safety
since i was a baby

iii.
you stole what was left of me
on that cool may night
with beer on your breath and
lust in your eyes
when i begged you
and whispered no
you said it'll be over soon
and in the morning my body was sore
and my soul was gone
you were my biggest secret

iv.
you told me how fat i was
and that i didn't need to eat that
to eat this
to indulge
because how could i be a beautiful bride
if i gained an ounce
let alone a pound
your own insecurities and brokenness
spilled over and colored me
shameful and dependent
until i finally gained enough strength to leave

v.
you were the first man
who held me and touched me
and didn't make me cringe
because you actually liked me
you listened to me
and heard my words
you stopped when i asked
and didn't take advantage
you were so kind and
my first friend in a new place
so i'll never be able to repay you
for helping to rebuild my trust in the opposite ***

vi.
i remember so clearly
when we first started talking
how i knew i wasn't good enough for someone like you
i was broken
stained with the tragedies i'd experienced
no longer pure
that night you listened
for six hours
as i told you every terrible event
all the mistakes i'd made
then you loved me all the more
and i realized that i wasn't so broken
at least not beyond repair
and your love was making me whole again
and continues to do so
to this day

My dear, my love
I know things seem
Impossible and painful
And they fill you with
Worry and guilt
But remember the beauty
In the world

The sweet voice of a child
An endless universe with
Galaxies we do not yet know
The way the sun shines off the mountains
The ocean tide, constant and unending
A melody that lifts your heart
The colors of nature all around you
The way your body fights to keep you alive
The goodness of strangers
Charity and love
Your father’s kindness
And your own strength
The perfect love of a God you know exists
And the universe He’s created for you

You will be okay
We will be okay
The scars of the world will be healed
Yours will be too
Nothing is beyond His reach
His perfect sight
And though things seem dim
All will be well in time

i listen
my ears and heart
are always open
i comfort
i bind wounds
i make sure everyone
is feeling okay
safe
and at peace
i am a sounding board
for all who need me
but inside i am screaming
i am bloodied and bruised
fear fills me
anger and sorrow
blocking every vein
and setting my nerve endings
on fire
i just want to get this out of me
why can’t anyone hear me?
why doesn’t anyone hear me
screaming?

Good intentions

Or, rather,

The road to hell

I am there
Now I see my mistakes

The error of my ways

And I am lost in regret

Because I caused 

Harm and injury

Where none was intended

Now I feel empty inside

And the weight of my actions

Is heavy 

Because how can I ever

Expect anyone to love me

If I tear them apart by accident?

Tired has seeped into my bones

Into my brain

Slowing the neurons that need

To tell my body to move

My heart to pump

My lungs to breath

Tired has invaded my soul

And pulled apart the seams

Until the things it held inside

Spilled out 

Exposed to the blackness

That is slowly polluting me

Tired has put out my fire
Left me caring too little

And wanting too much 

With teeth clenched and tongue held

To keep my poisonous words

From spilling

Tired has left me weak

And unable to defend myself 

With a desire to hurt

And injure

To claim justice

And leave no survivors

Tired is pouring from my eyes

Blurring my vision

And making my chest burn

In an effort to

Ease the pressure that is 

Building

So I will sleep

With the hope that tomorrow

I will wake and tired

Will have finally left me
Allowing me to repair,

Reclaim, 

And restore 

The damage it has done.

And on that long, quiet drive

My mind went into survival mode

“Feel nothing” it said

But my heart felt

Everything at once

An aching loneliness

It is sharp

And deeply unsettling 

Leaving me raw

I hurt

But I don’t

I feel

But I’m numb

I’m empty

And I’m overflowing
Full of things I don’t want

Can’t want

Don’t need

Can’t process

So I’ll settle back

Into my quiet existence

And try to feel the right things

And smother the ache

That is constant

And all too real

my body is aching
and sore and tired
and shaky
full of knots and worry

i'm trying to be
solid and steady
and brave
full of fire and fierceness

but i am afraid
fear is sprouting out of every corner of my soul
it's filling me with vines
that threaten to choke the very life
out of me

i'm terrified my body will
turn against me
will become my enemy
change and transform
into an unrecognizable form

i will become the stuff of
nightmares
a weak, frail, brittle creature
with little energy
and no light in my eyes

i do not want to become that
weak creature
the person i am afraid of
please help me
god please help me

i know that heaviness
the kind that keeps you from moving
freely and without thought
the kind that roots you to your fears
your worry
and the little nagging voice that
tells you you're not enough

i know that sadness
the kind that feels like a deep deep ache
in your bones
and in your heart
it hurts you
your body is sore
and your mind is raw

i know that knot in your stomach
the one that comes and goes
but comes more than goes
frequent and hard
ice cold and crippling
it makes it hard to move
and hard to sleep
hard to do anything

i know that hunger
the way your heart
and mind
and very soul craves someone to
tell you that you're okay
that you're just fine the way you are
that there is nothing wrong with you

i know that anger
how it makes you feel like you're
going crazy
losing your grasp on reality
but everything sets you off
because it's so hot
and fresh
even when it's old

i know
i know

trust me,
i know.

sometimes it breaks me
one word or phrase
a song
sends me right back to where i was
3 months ago
6 months ago
a year
and i find myself breaking
all over again

i long to feel something
some outward pain
instead of what you’ve caused
instead of my heart
being ripped in two
with your betrayal and lies

there’s a painful numbness in reliving
the words you breathed
between lying lips
and the scalding touch
you left on my heart and my body

when i bandage my bleeding wounds
it’s simple
and gives me relief
because i can see those scars
i can trace them and remember
to stop letting you in

the ones on my heart aren’t so easy to bear

have i become addicted
to feeling nothing
or feeling everything
there is no in between

i really can’t explain it
a sort of angry sense of being
cheated of something that isn't
and wasn’t
mine to begin with

so i’ll keep these seething feelings
inside where they’re boxed away
compartmentalized
i’ll grind my teeth with
the effort of ignoring the negativity that
threatens to drown me sometimes

because what good does it do
to be angry and upset
at someone who is not truly part of my life
and who does not understand
or see
the effect they have had on me

That wrinkle in your brow

Let me smooth it

And put my arms around your

Tensed body

Give me that heavy weight

From your hunched shoulders
So I may make your journey

Perhaps a little easier 

As you navigate the rocky path ahead.

The hollow part in your heart

I will fill it
With kind words and

Reminders of who you truly are.

While my presence might never

Replace what was there 

Maybe it will help to 

Patch the raw parts that plague you.

Allow me to hold you up

If you should need support from 

Someone whose legs are just

A touch stronger 

When you feel you have nothing left.

Those tears that sting your eyes

Let them come

But remember they are temporary

And that I will never 

Shame you for entertaining the ache they soothe.

You are gold

Fire and strength

But even gold must be melted

And molded into

Something more beautiful

Than it was before.

So let me hold your heart 

Tender and a little damaged

But precious 

And priceless

Until you are once again

Unbroken.

Sometimes I feel

I’m past the worst

My heart is healing 

Mended 

Scarred but still mine

Then I wake from an

Afternoon nap

And my head is full of you

My heart cracks open 

Like a glass jar

Shattered from the drop

Of remembering

And it’s starting anew

Repairing and

Replacing 

The chipped away portions 

Of my soul

I was scared

Terrified really
To let you see the real me

I had made so many mistakes

And my soul was bruised

Battered

Full of anger 

And world weary

But you held your hand out

Encouraging me to speak

To bare my soul

And so I did

Letting each piece of my armor

Chip away until I stood

Raw and naked 

My heart exposed and

My soul uncovered

You watched and listened

Examining each corner of me

While I waited 

With shaking hands 

And knots in my stomach

Then you smiled

And laughed 

And told me it wasn’t all that bad

Your sun reached 

The very depths of my soul

Lighting those dark parts

I thought were long gone

And warming the coldness that

I had let consume me

Until I was shining 

And light

Happiness personified

And that’s when I found myself

In your brown eyes

And your goofy smile

In your gasping laugh and

Your perfect hugs

And I never once looked back.

Today I realized
That you weren't
On my mind
In my heart

Not once
Not at all

Until I stood still long enough
For you
To creep back inside

For a full day
I was free
And happy
Unburdened by your betrayal

I want that
I need it
I will have it

So today I will say goodbye
And let you go
Once and for all

there's an emptiness in my chest
that cannot be filled
i've know
i've tried

i've filled it with liquor
with empty promises
with kisses that meant nothing

i've filled it with images of lovers
with new things
with anger and hate

i've filled it with touches from others
with memories
with temporary distractions

each has fallen away
slipped through the gap
and left me
wanting
and needing more

at times the hole has grown
others it has shrunk
but still it stays
day in and night out
leaving me feeling
uncomfortable in my own skin

so i will continue to work
to search and to test
to find something that will
finally make me whole

Quiet and reserved,
They assume that I'm made of
Ice and rain.
Little do they know
There is fire inside of me.

Flames rushing from my heart,
Nearly bursting from my fingertips.
It's quick and searing; a wolf,
Made of smoke and white hot ash.
I see everything.
I feel too much, too deeply.

Emotions are amplified.
Pain. Joy. Sorrow. Anger. Fear.
They linger, feeding the ardent creature,
Filling him with what he needs to
Protect me.
Each one is distinct in the impact
They have on the beast inside.

The wolf howls, cries out,
Longing to be shown to the world.
I keep him hidden only in the
Desire to protect that part of myself.
Because should something happen
To that wolf, that fiery beast,
I would be lost.

So I will silently rage,
Burning, smoldering in my chest.
My mask will be calm
While my eyes show the fire,
The snarling wolf,
Only to those who take the
Time to notice

There you are
Quiet
Still
A smile
Light

A red thread
Links us
Heart to heart
Soul to soul

There I am
I feel as though
I can breathe
For the first time
In months

Each moment feels
Effortless
Unrestrained
Insecurities forgotten
Safe

You are a lockbox
A safe room
Comfort
And ease
Reprieve from dark places

My words float to you
And I know they are
Treasured
Secure
Guarded

My gratitude
Knows no end

The word floods my veins,
Fills me with so many emotions.
Not one of them pleasant.

Regret -
For letting you into
My heart, my life.

Pain -
For each wound you
Left behind

Betrayal -
For all the lies you
Fed me
Which I so readily believed

Sorrow -
Because you let me go
Without a second thought

Anger -
For the time I wasted
The effect you
still have


You promised me so much
You promised me "always"
And followed through on
So little

Is it any wonder
The word makes me
Burn
Ache
Die just a little?

it was fast and hard
the way i fell for you
i barely had time to think
and suddenly you were
all i thought about
and all i experienced

you were
every nerve ending
every cell in my body
every heartbeat
every drop of blood
every tear
every sigh of pleasure
every gasp of pain
every cut
every moment of every day

i couldn't wait to breath you out
to release you from my lungs
like toxic smoke
but you linger
like a haze around my head
making me foggy
and sad
and regretful

please just let me
quit
recover
move on
be whole again

sometimes, when the world is quiet
and i'm left alone with my thoughts,
they turn to you.
those scars on my thighs are yours.
they mirror the ones you left on my heart.
i'm choking on your memories.
i'm drowning in regret.
the words you whispered against my skin
burn until i'm writhing,
silently begging for mercy.
why won't you leave me alone?

I’ll touch you like I touch my piano’s keys.

I’ll learn you like I know those black and whites - the sticky key there, the perfect amount of pressure, just how to draw out those last few notes.

My fingers will dance along your body, creating art as they move.
At times pianissimo, slow and sweet. A hint of melancholy. Gentle, to pull a quiet melody from your lips. Soft breaths. Carefully constructed sighs.

Others forte, wild and unrestrained. Demanding you give me all you have and then some, the tune soaring into a crescendo and then releasing all at once.

And, when the song finally comes to an end, you and I will both be sated and content in the beautiful music we made together.