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GloriaEllah Jan 2015
You remain the love of my life, and I'll never stop loving you. As cliché as it sounds, l mean every word l say. We have come a long way, we’ve embraced major changes together and you have to admit being in a long distance at a very young age we have done such a great job. We make a perfect team Paul, seeing and living life with you has been a blessing. You have taught me so much, you’ve been every step of the way from my high school days encouraging me and urging me on even when everyone else including myself gave up on me, you still held my hand. It's always hard to tell someone your dark sides, and bare out all your insecurities, vulnerabilities and still be accepted for what and who you are. You taught me how to appreciate the simple things in life but enjoying those simple things with you made life PERFECT for me. You made me feel whole, complete, blessed and your love led me to the road of happiness. Everyday, every moment, every single second, just the thought of you makes my world go around with euphoric revolution. I know I was not the best girlfriend in the past couple of years but l was still in the process of finding myself, learning how to open up and be free with you, with us. All I wanted was to finally come home so we can be us, with no more walls built between us, no more distance, I wanted you to finally see me for me, when I can finally wake up next beside you and enjoy those simple things in life like sharing a meal, a laugh, holding hands………
   Paul I have really tried but l don’t think I can hold on any longer, you are barely there for me and that breaks my heart even more than the thought of you gone. The past six months has been arguments that should not even exist. All I asked for was a minute or two of your time but it feels like I am asking for too much. I understand you are busy but its just overwhelming to see you online or to see you respond to other people yet I am tossed aside to wait. I could be wrong for I am not there to see your schedule but then again I know this is not right by the impact it weighs on me, by the amount of hurt l feel. I feel invisible in your world, I have to ask you to call me and most of time you always forget, I have to schedule a Skype date with you, you wont message me until I initiate a conversation and you are not even proud enough to show the world that we are together. You can call another woman beautiful publicly but you cannot do that when it comes to me, it might not seem like a big deal to you but it is for me and your actions make me feel invisible, makes me feel like I am clingy, like I am begging you to be with me yet love is supposed to be mutual.
      The important things that made us Glokari do not exist anymore and it hurts me so much that l am the only one who feels major affected by this. There was a point you would do anything to hear my voice, you were eager to kiss me goodmorning and night, we loved sharing the jokes, the laughter even after a rough day and when the going got tough we would cry together and figure out how to move on together but now l feel like I am the stressing factor. You don’t even want to look at me twice after a long day it is like l add more stress to you yet l just want to be here for you. Talk to me and make me understand that is all l ask but everything turns into a fight. Paul I have over 50 screenshots of you giving me an explanation, either your phone died, your friend did this, the message wasn’t delivered, you were held up etc. as much as I am understanding baby l honestly feel left out, I feel like I am tossed aside. I can’t tell which one hurts more, the fact that I think someone else is taking my place or the fact that I blame myself because l feel like I broke us up in 2011 and l destroyed that Glokari connection. Either way Paul l want you to know, all I want is your happiness, I want to see you smiling all throughout your lifetime whether it is with me or with someone else. You are a wonderful man and even though our love story is distorted right now one thing remains so true Baby... I love you. Take care of yourself.
letter to my long distance boyfriend
Once I offered you my heart, knowing it was too bruised, too ugly to meld with your imperfect soul. You looked at it with eyes that spoke of dark horizons less travelled and handed it back with trembling caution, too mindful of the searing pain caused by it's many shards. I loved you then, as I do now, though the mention of such things is forbidden within our tight circle of two. I fear your loss as I fear myself, fully and without caution, though now only your traces remain as friendship flounders upon the utterances of my foolish mouth.
GloriaEllah Jul 2014
Hey baby,
I thought I should write you one before you forget my handwriting. I know you probably be reading this as you pack in a hurry or at the airport or thousands of kilometers up in the sky.
  The last two weeks have been the best of moment’s l have had in the last two years. For a moment again, my body calmed down my heart felt warm again and l was genuinely happy.
   Before you came there was so much l wanted to tell you but for the moment you landed in my arms our hearts talked to each other, so calm and beautiful that l just wanted to hold you forever and stop time so that you remain in my arms.
   Today you told me something that made me feel bad that you would think that way. The fact that l flirted with some chics sometime back and for a moment you think that you are not first in my life and world. I made a mistake and a lot of errors of judgement that l am really really sorry about baby. Truth is you are beyond first in my life. Even before l see me, l see you. I would lose myself anytime in fighting for you and giving you the best that this world has to offer.
   You are going back to school and l always do pray for you and all the works of your hands that you will be successful in it. Education lays the foundation and l want the strongest foundation for you. I always got your back and even when you feel like giving it up, remember you doing it for me too ***.
   My heart smiles when l think that it has been five years now, we have smiled, laughed, argued, fought and done everything that could possibly have been done but above all we have loved and stood together. Many things and people have tried to come between us but we know better baby. Only fools don’t learn from their mistakes and we definitely are not fools.
    I wrote this with mixed emotions, happy because l could write a book about the love of my life and sad because today you travel back for a couple of months without physical contact. I have stayed with you long enough to truly know your heart, to see you for who you really are. The simple, shy, beautiful and loving girlfriend behind the loud and bubbly personality people see.
     Many times we take the ones we love for granted forgetting that despite forever love, life ends at some point and the little time we have on earth should be spent treasuring them. I treasure you my best friend, soul mate and love of my life.
   The sun is setting as l write this but though time lapses, good and bad times come and go, my love for you will always be pure and steadfast. Keep well baby, remember God in everything you do and always strive to be better than you were yesterday. Travel safe keeper of my dreams. I always will love you
only memories l can hold on to.
  May 2014 GloriaEllah
like a fish out of water
walking backwards upstream
grand illusion of compliance
buying nothing sight unseen

respecting their essence
detached from their path
connected in spirit
repelled by all wrath

norms without ethics
morality sans love
passion ever searching
a need to rise above

heart sinking hatred
mind numbing neglect
mountain moving greed
rarely circumspect

not infrequently i ponder
how my being was unfurled
wondering deeply in my soul
if i belong to another world
GloriaEllah Oct 2013
The other day my girlfriends and l were talking about losing weight as our New Year resolution. Bear in mind that both of them are very skinny compared to me. I asked one of them why she is always paranoid about how she looks, what she wears and why she never takes pictures and she said its because she is ‘fat’. So I asked her if you call yourself fat, what am l supposed to call myself? A whale? She answered back “oh no Gloria l really admire your self-confidence, l don’t know how you do it.” Immediately l had a flashback, two years ago when l was seventeen years old l looked down on myself just because everywhere l went, l felt worthless because ‘skinny’ was the in thing. Everyday l would find myself huddled in the corner of the bathroom trying to throw up after a meal, I had heard all the horror stories of what throwing up can do to you and although l was scared l tried it a couple of times. Whenever l would succeed l would sit there and look at my reflection. It felt like it was staring back at me, judging me. Looking at me with contempt. “I won’t do this again,” I promised myself. I told myself l would lose all this weight the proper way so l started working out. I ran a couple extra miles and gave myself strict limits about what I can eat. Then someone would invite me to eat out or l would eat chips when hungry in school then l would go back to the same process of self-pity, this happened almost every day. I eventually got tired of this life and decided my first step to losing weight is to love myself. Love yourself so much that whatever someone says about you disintegrate before it reaches your ears. I haven’t lost weight yet but l do feel more than confident about how l look, l love myself, l learned to live by loving myself because l count more than anyone else or anybody’s opinion coz I’m living my life. I am the captain of this ship, without a first mate and l really like who l am, l really dig me and if l don’t like me there’s no reason to live life. I am not saying it is wrong for you to change how you look or for you to prefer being ‘skinny’ it is your own choice, either way love yourself for who you are but this is dedicated for the thick chicks. The one hundred and fifty plus girls, for the ones that have accepted their bellies and embrace them, for the average woman because she wears a size twelve or fourteen and not six or eight, for the men who respect the ***** and the thickness, for those who put on those size twelve and step out feeling fly, this is for feeling fly and loving life, for feeling fly and loving life but still allowing yourself to have some French fries. This is for the one hundred and fifty plus females. The 36, 29, 43, the one hundred and seventy eight pounds at 5’3.
GloriaEllah Oct 2013
My friend asked if l ever want to change myself or if l wished life my life was different ……l immediately answer NO. Yesterday morning l was sitting with my mother drinking coffee when she told me, “Accept yourself, know who you are, be confident and live life,” I was just sitting there with the okay Dr. Phil face but after l went to my room, as l was registering for my courses/ looking through some old documents, l stumble upon a picture that l took 5 years ago. 100 pound kid, 4’8 tall, short hair in my grade 8 uniform, just looking at that picture made me realize how much l have grown not only physically but mentally. Did I ever visualize that 5 years from now l would be what l am right now?! NO, life back then was a slice of cake for me. I had everything I wanted and by everything I wanted/needed I mean my family, friends and education. I look at myself in the mirror and l am really proud of who l am, what l have achieved and what I am set to achieve. I cant say l am proud of my life because of course there are some things I have done that I am not proud of but l can say l’m proud that l’ve learned from it. I have seen life through a different perspective and some don’t get to experience and enjoy my view. I have learned that l can’t always rely on people, some things might not work out and everything that has already happened has been for the better. To achieve happiness in life, it all depends on you. Your life is in your hands and you only need two things: Faith in God and faith in yourself. I might not be able to walk around with a smile everyday but l know where l have been and where l am going and I know who l am. All I am trying to say is, you cannot achieve perfection. Focus on individuality, be who you really are, know who you are and be just that because there is only one of you so why not be that? Know your confidence; know your worth know what you have and no one could ever take that from you.

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