You’re not here; I’ve yet to accept that.
Your name still rings inside me. It chimes and it bellows and rises from the pit of my stomach, making me puke, as if I’m forcing myself to get you out of my veins.‬
‪It was supposed to be me and you against the world, but it was me and you against each other.‬
‪Loving you was like pulling the rubber bands back, and back, and back, until it smacked both of us in the face.‬
‪We were the Russian roulette of lust, and I’m not the one to take the blame for that bullet.‬
‪My murderer, I ask:‬
‪Have you ever felt so warm hearing a name?‬
‪When just the sound of it wakes the fire within your soul.‬
‪When you want to pick apart each letter of that name and twist it and bend it, the perfect wholeness, and gulp it down.‬
‪Murderer,‬
‪I couldn’t make your name taste bitter on my tongue as hard as I’ve tried.‬ ‪It’s still soaked in the sweetness of my youth, my naïve choice to be hurt by you.‬
‪Murderer,‬
‪I dropped my armor at your feet and I handed you the sword.‬
‪Murderer,‬
‪Maybe it’s not fair to say you murdered my heart, because I walked headfirst into the blade. I kept offering myself to you, like an unwanted sacrifice, offering my secrets to you like undesired gifts with ripped up recipes.‬

I want to say you opened my eyes but no! I, now, close my eyes and keep my heart wide open; because now I understand that falling apart when done right can make the ruins feel like home. So now we come undone, stitch by stitch, together.

Life is unfair and very unkind
I wish things were different
I’m crying  
I can’t even write
I’m drowning  
I wish I was never born

I’m sick

of gasping at the surface,
so finally, I'll drown.

I’m ready
to embrace my death
When silence triumphs sound.

she remembers
the feeling of belonging
she remembers
the first [and last] kiss
she remembers
feeling new emotions she’s never experienced
she remembers
notes and letters
that made her feel wanted
she remembers
his touch
sweet as honey
she remembers
when he said the three words
that would change everything
she remembers
trusting him more than anyone
she remembers
him sheltering her from pain
she remembers
his beautiful brown eyes
she remembers
laughing until her stomach hurt
she remembers
a love so breathtaking
and she will never forget
the way he made her feel

You know that feeling you get when you go underwater to see how long you can hold your breath, but after a few seconds you feel your lungs screaming for oxygen, yet you try to hold on just a little longer, everyone telling you “you can do it”, “you got this”, and so you stay under until every. single. muscle. in your body is yelling at you to just push up over the surface? Well that’s what it’s like being away from you. Everyone is telling me to hold on, to make it another second, but I need you, I need my breath of air.

give me time,
to adapt within your world.

I'm a stranger
to kindness,
and love stories.

give me time,
to consider the way of light.

you see?
I've always embraced the darkness,
and sat still between his layers
until I turned too dark
and
I misplaced all my details

Save me

from my darkness

spare me some light.

At first sight, she looks so perfectly happy.
At first sight, she looks amazingly acknowledged by people
because of her well-being.

But, at first sight you will never know she's an outcast.

You will never know that she can't stop thinking
about the life she wanted until it stops her from falling asleep.
You can never tell how many tears she hid from the sight of others.
You will never know how broken her soul as if it's a glass in shreds.

Think about it, did you ever see one of those smiles that reach her eyes?
Did you ever feel her warmth or just the
cold material that coated her whole self?
Will you ever know why she's an outcast?

She's an outcast because she's different.
She's an outcast because she has to
push herself in just to be accepted.

When she was still young,
everyone treated her as wrong.
Her existence seems to be unworthy
and very wrong in a way.
She was an unplanned thing, poor she, the outcast.

She's like a piece of a puzzle that can't fit anything.
She was never loved, not even a priority.

But she did everything to gain them!
She did everything for everyone she ever loved,
not caring if they will do the same.

But, she's tired now.

She's tired of being so not enough.
She's tired of seeing how happy
they could be without her.
She's tired of the fact that her existence is a fraud.

She's so tired.

So tired of thinking that they can treat her better.
She's tired of being alone but,
she's also tired of blending in with people.
When obviously,
She's an outcast; She will always be an outcast.

Once you see her, stare at her.
But remember:

You will never know she's an outcast
as much as you will never know
how many tears escaped her eyes while writing this.

Perhaps, i should start keeping it all to myself.
And hope that these feelings will not reflect in my eyes.

you put me together
but
all the parts of me
were stitched back
into the wrong places
that i had to tear myself apart
all over again
just so I could be okay
I still cant find all the pieces of me

we lived in two separated worlds and they only collided for one night.

I am not quiet.

I have wrapped my voice carefully
in forgotten notebooks and scraps of paper
from busy places.

I leave these for the people
willing to listen.

My voice is everywhere.

It’s in everything I touch.

The roaring words in my head
slip down through my fingers
and leave a residue on surfaces
marred with careless touches.

but I can’t walk away
without  leaving pieces
of myself
behind
in the hopes someone will take comfort in my silent voice.

Do not tell me I’m quiet.

I hide my voice from those
who think I have nothing to say and give it freely to those who listen.