i am a hypocrite
i promote body positivity,
yet i hate the body i am in
i promote battling your demons,
yet i have to resist the urge to jump in the path of a truck,
i say 'dont drink too much',
yet i am best friends with the bottom of the bottle

head throbbing,
legs shaking,
the memory of your words as sharp as a knife,
save me now before my feet find an edge.

somebody send help,
the lights in my eyes are slowly dimming.

i am not my body.
i am so much more than my body.
i am my thoughts at 3am on the verge of sleep.
i am the songs stuck in my head.
i am my favourite books that i have read a thousand times over,
i am the songs i listen to when i need a break from the world.
i am the passion that drives me to stay up to 2 in the morning to finish a drawing.
i am the love i have for my friends.
i am more intricate than this vessel, i am a complex being.
I AM MORE THAN MY BODY.

stop apologizing for existing.
you are allowed to exist.
you are allowed to take up space in this world.
exist loudly, exist with all your heart.
shout at the top of your lungs
"I EXIST SO BEAUTIFULLY AND SO LOUDLY IT MAKES ME WANT TO ******"
and its okay to **** up.
you'll **** up a lot of times.
but its okay, because tomorrow is not going anywhere,
so go and exist however the ******* want to.
because you've only got one shot at it.
so exist with all your soul and your heart.

1 in 12 transgender people are killed every single year.
1 in 12 i can't walk the streets alone at night.
1 in 12 public restrooms are a choice of being yelled at, or being beat up.
1 in 12 i hide behind my hoodie and keep my head down when im in "shifty" places.
1 in 12 having to wear the incorrect school uniform because "kids can be cruel"
1 in 12 you're not a "real man" if you don't have a *****, and if you do have one, you cannot be a woman, like there is a set of rules.
1 in 12 i can't get i job because if they find out i'm trans they'll use slurs in the place of my name.
1 in 12 living a lie because i want to be alive.
1 in 12 but am i truly alive, if im constantly hiding behind a mask?
1 in 12 is it too selfish that i just want to survive?

i know how flawed i am.
my body is ridden all over with cuts and bruises.
my back has become an flexible ruler - never how it should be.
i care too much about the pitch of my voice, and how small my hands are when they are interlinked with yours.
i care about what strangers on the other side of this rock think of me.
i poison my already dead heart with things to make me feel alive once again.
but i am trying. trying to improve. trying to be better.
you. you are a risk taker. you don't follow the rules.
you are the taste of liquor on my tongue, i know it probably will end with a crash, but i cant help but want more.
you are the smoke in my lungs, and i should stop smoking, but i have tried, but you are apart of me.
i am addicted to the taste of you.
i am addicted to the sound of your voice when you are burning out, but you're trying to stay awake.
i am addicted to the feeling of your hands when you are nervous
and i love you. that i cannot deny.
so maybe i will quit another day.