there was lightning
and thunder
and my windows rattled
and there was so much noise
and the rain was falling outside
but also in my soul
and in the midst of it all
i heard You say,
"don't forget I chose you.
don't forget you're mine.
don't forget you're not in darkness anymore,
but in wonderful light.
don't forget I love you
and that I see you and that I hear you
baby, don't forget you're mine."

here we are.
trying to fill the emptiness
the places where we hurt each other
with small talk
and offerings of cups of coffee
and slices of chocolate cake
and flan
as if the sweetness
is enough to cover our faults.
as if sugar is the cure
for the wounds we keep.
and today.
it is.
it is a place to start.

how does the light get in?
through the cracks
the brokenness left,
through the doors of an open heart,
through the windows of a soul.
how does the light get in?
when you smile,
when hope is found.
how does the light get in?
when you wish upon stars,
when the sunlight touches your face.
how does the light get in?
through the words of a friend
and the kindness of strangers.
how does the light get in?
when you let it.

viviré en una casa amarilla
pintada por el sol
una casa en la calle Alegría esquina Luz
y en mi casa amarilla habrá un jardín con flores
sembradas en amor y regadas con esperanza.
de mi casa amarilla hablará todo el mundo
y vendrán niños en bicicletas a ella
para conocer a la mujer con flores en su pelo
y estrellas en sus ojos,
la mujer que usa vestidos con bolsillos llenos de canela y miel.

i am every word i have dared to utter and i am every word i have kept quiet
i am my heart and the courage it needs to beat again and again
i am every time i have said ‘i love you’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘i am sorry’
and i am every poem i have read and listened to and watched
i am the flowers you planted in my heart when you smiled
i am alive
i am the coffee my mother brews
(i no longer brew it myself.
i got burned once by the flame and no longer use matches.)
which is to say, i am afraid
(of fire. of burning. of breaking.)
i have forgotten to be brave
(have i?)
remind me of the courage in fire
(my heart.)
the light
the warmth
love.
(they are worth the burns.)

i woke up this morning and
my phone told me today was
april 29th
and my first thought was that
today is your birthday
and how you were older than the rest of the class
because you repeated the second grade
it’s funny how i always remember this day
even though we no longer speak
except when i run into you in the college hallways
and the last real conversation we had
was probably in the fifth grade
it’s funny how i remember you
even though i really don’t think about you
and now you are just
a poem i wrote
on your birthday

on sunday mornings
i won't need an alarm clock
or coffee
to wake me up
your kisses will be enough.

maybe one day
i will not have to write you this poem—
how many times have i started to write it only to give up?
maybe the hurt and silence
will stop becoming the bridge we cross every morning
just to say hello
let us burn it
build a new one out of coffee mugs and sunrises
and everything that is a new beginning
i will let go of my pride
my silent anger
lose this game
of indifference and silence
i have never wanted to win

this is more than a song.
this is more than poetry.
this is my heart.
every day i break it
turn its pieces into words
that will make the pieces of your broken heart
put themselves back together.

when i'm with you
and you look at me
i know you see me
the way i have always seen myself
when i'm with you
i feel like i am every star in the sky
and when i'm with you
i feel infinite and more than what i am
i forget my feet because you give me wings
and i am not afraid to fly
when i am with you
you turn into rain and i turn into flowers

tell me
i am beautiful
not because i need to hear it
not because if you do not say it i won’t believe it
(because i will believe it, i already do)
tell me
i am beautiful
because you think so
because i am

i was tired,
i was chained,
i was hopeless
and You sang to me,
"you don't have
to carry the world
on your shoulders.
you don't have to
wear those chains.
you can be free.
I already forgave you.
you are blameless."
and as You sang your
song, i realized that i
was the one who
put on myself the
chains i wore.
i didn't have to
carry them, i didn't
have to be a slave
to my chains, to my sin.
i tattooed myself
in shame and i hid my
face from You, not knowing
that all You ever wanted
was to wrap me in your
love and clothe me in grace.

our house will be big enough
to hold our two hearts
and the love that beats out of them
the walls will be filled with the words
i wrote to you
and all the times you told me ‘i love you’
in our kitchen
i'll save the recipes
to make you laugh
to make you smile
to make you forget your troubles
our bookshelves will be filled with poetry and flowers
our house will have a garden
where hope will grow wild
and every time i choose you
a flower will bloom

could you, please,
slow
down?
listen to your heart.
drum.
hummingbird.
house.
wildflower garden, unkempt
but growing.
this is who you are.
wild and messy,
beautiful and
free.

i don’t want to write you a poem
i don’t want to leave behind
this
word
trail
i don’t want them to know i loved you
i don’t want them to know how i loved you
because i loved you
like the night loves the light
and i loved you
like the earth loves the rain
i don’t want these words
to lead
you
back
to
me
but i don’t want these words anymore
so, i am sending this poem to you
without a return address
let these words just be words
let them only be that
this is not a love letter
this is not goodbye
(i already said that to you)
this
is
me
letting
you
go

i'll want you the way
i want coffee:
in the morning,
in the afternoon,
in the night.
all the time.

when i think about the fact
that you and i
share the same sky
the distance between us
isn't so large
and maybe you and i
share more than
just the same sky.

the sparrows and their song
visited my windowsill this morning
their notes
a poem
a memory
a whisper,
“we are here, we sing.
you are here, so sing.”

one day
maybe
you will understand all that you are:
a never ending story
a star in the night
and the night
and the sky
a flower
and the garden
and the earth
you are art
and the artist
the song
and the voice
you are more than you know.

woman.
house of fire and hope
and light.
woman.
canvas where loveliness and
fierceness blend.
woman.
ocean of flowers and life.
garden where all things wonderful grow.
woman.
you.

open up and let Hope in.
let it dance around your heart.
open up and let Light in.
let your soul know the magic of sunrises.
open up and let Life in.
let it make you bloom.
open up and let Faith in.
let it make you believe again.
open up and let Love in.
let it change you,
let it play with your hair,
let it kiss you,
let it make you want to
fly and touch the clouds.
open your doors
and let Hope and Light
and Life and Faith and Love
stream in and chase away the darkness.
open the windows of your soul
and let boldness and bravery
drown fear out.
open up.

i wish my words
were enough.
enough to heal you
so that i could use
them as a balm to
place over your heart.
enough to take the
bandages from your
eyes so that you could see
the constellations that
made your soul their home.
enough to make you smile,
enough to make you see
that this is not it
enough to make you see
that there is more
enough to make you see
that you were made for more
enough to make you
love your struggle
and enough to make you
rise from the ashes
and i just wish that my
words were enough
to make you see
that you're enough.

for you
i'll be the sky
i'll wear the stars on my skin
and let you wish upon my light

i cannot exaggerate You
because
there are no words
to describe how great
how majestic
how loving
how merciful
how beautiful You are.
i cannot exaggerate You
because
there aren't words that
capture who You are
and how You love
and what You do.
i cannot exaggerate You
because
there are no words for
You.

i am not a stranger to hopelessness
it is easy to get tired of waiting
for what you want but won’t come
like love
like a hand to hold
the time when arms hold you instead of your arms holding others
like love
the feeling that everyone else (it seems)
but you
knows
it is easy to believe it will never come
but we keep waiting, don’t we?
we wake up every morning,
we give thanks,
we live,
we listen for the song of the birds
and sing back to them, “maybe today,”
and at night when the stars come out
we still dare to make wishes upon them
keeping our options open
hoping
hoping
hoping

the other day,
when you asked if you could take the coffee maker with you to Boston,
i told you
that i never make coffee
when we are not together.
you laughed.
you jokingly said,
“is it because you miss me when i’m not here?”
we both laughed.
but honestly,
yes.

about a year ago,
you told me,
“you are starting to sound like me!”
i have yet to receive a better compliment.

the day before i left to new york
you gave me a hat you knitted yourself.
i wore it every day.
(until i lost it on the subway.
i may or may not have cried. i will never say.)

we both know you are not the best speller.
but i love the way you spell love:
s-h-a-r-e,
g-i-v-e,
c-a-r-e.

unknot the knot
in my throat
with a look
a word
maybe a kiss
that will give me back
the breath you’ve stolen

i used to tell myself the same thing.
that maybe something was wrong with me.
that maybe love was enough for me but i was not.
i have imagined kisses a thousand times
i have dreamt of arms around my own
and i have written enough love stories for the entire world
and poems to fill books
and i questioned so much-
my beauty, my worth, my skin, my bones
and i traveled and walked away
from fear and self-doubt
towards bravery and courage,
towards knowing what i want and what i deserve
and i know love is something i cannot earn,
something that belongs to me as much as air,
that love is enough for me
and i am enough for it
and i am enough with or without it.

should You ever take my words away,
let me keep a few.
let me praise You in the morning,
let me say i love You.
let me number my days,
let me say thank You.

all of this.
this breathing.
this walking.
this speaking.
this writing.
all of this is here
all of this is to say
that i was here.
that i am here,
and when i am no longer here,
i still will be.
all of this
is an attempt
to not forget myself
to not let you forget me.
all of this.
this body.
this hair.
this skin.
this voice.
all of this is here.
all of this, it matters.
today
i mattered
tomorrow
i will.

you are the sky
and your smile is the sun
and i hope every day
to see the sunrise on your skin,
to see your lips dance
as you let the light in
you are the sky
and your eyes are the stars
and i wish upon them every night.

my hope has grown flowers
and i am not afraid
of what i don’t know
and the days, all the days,
they cannot come fast enough
there is wonder growing in this earth
and the seasons will not erase it
the spring rains will not drown it
and the summer sun will not dry it
the autumn winds will not take it
and the winter will not **** it
my hope has grown flowers
and i am not afraid

he said,
"help me remember."
and i thought he meant
something from my childhood
or something we did together
or something.
but he meant that i help him
make lists of the things he has to take
on his flight on sunday
and while he made lists
(cellphone.
charger.
toothbrush.)
i made lists too
(waking up every morning to his loudness.
breakfasts of cereal and milk.
kisses on my forehead.)

my hands are like my heart:
they know how to hold heaviness.
they know how to hold hope.
they make words come alive.
my hands, like my heart,
have learned to let go.
to hold on.
they have learned not to be so soft
but not too rough.
both of them, my heart and my hands,
they are like hummingbird wings.
they flutter,
they dive into love as if it were an ocean.
they do not know how to stop.

we never tire of hoping,
you and i.
"if not today, then tomorrow. and if not tomorrow, then the next day,"
we tell ourselves.
we like to play games with hope
and we always let her win.

i hope
that every evening
after coming home
when i look at myself in the mirror
to find a poem.
to find my curls alive,
to look at them and see the story that today told:
the times the wind kissed the strands
and the hands i love touched my head.
the times i laughed and tossed my head back,
unraveling the waves, welcoming the mess, welcoming the joy.
to find my eyes alive,
tired, maybe, but alive,
that they, too, share the story today told:
the times i closed my eyes in gratitude,
the smiles i smiled with them,
the stars and fire i keep in them,
the shine i cannot erase.
i hope
to look at myself in the mirror,
my face a giveaway
that today i was alive.

i am light.
i am fire.
i am beautiful
and wanted
and lovely.
i am brave
i am strong
i am chosen
i am sought after
and cherished.
i am a diamond.
and you won't bring me
d
o
w
n.

You came like rain,
a spring shower,
flooding this dry soul with
mercy and grace,
bringing it to life,
making it bloom.

i am giving you
my heart
carry me
gently
like a bird that hasn't learned to fly
carry me
like a song
don't forget my words
keep my heart
alongside yours
because i, too, carry your heart with me ( i carry it in my heart)
keep my heart
it belongs to you (and i don't want it back)
i am giving you
my heart
carry me
in your hands, i will make them my home
keep my heart
in a honey jar
so that my love is infused with its sweetness
i am giving you
my heart

i hope you always find reasons to smile
that kind of smile that closes your eyes
i hope you always have a window to look out of
so that at night you can wish on stars
i hope you always find beauty in yourself
in your lips, in your eyes, in your heart
i hope love finds you
and that it never lets go
and i hope
i hope
i hope.

they buried your bones,
but not what was inside them.
they buried your bones,
but they didn't
they couldn't
bury your light, your love,
the story you told while breath was still yours
they didn't
they couldn't bury your laughter,
your song,
the memories the ones who loved you keep.
they buried your bones
but they didn't
they couldn't bury you,
for you are not there,
in those underground houses of dirt.
you are in the hearts of those who loved you,
in the faces of your children,
in your grandchildren's eyes.
you are in the words you said,
the places your feet touched.
you are everywhere
everywhere
everywhere

there is no poetry today,
i said.
but today is the poem.
the laughter, the conversations,
the sharing of beauty,
the seconds that turn into moments
that turn into life
that turn into memories.
isn’t time the poetry of life?
isn't the feeling of not having enough words
to tell of the wonder of this day
worth more than a poem?
the seeking and the finding,
the making and the living:
this is the poetry hiding below our feet,
the music we long to sing.

i want to memorize you
like a poem
sing to myself
the words of your bones to sleep
know your heart
by heart
and your voice
i want to keep it on the tip of my tongue
savor it
like a memory
i do not want to forget you

your heart is beating;
the music is already playing.
you just have to dance.

remember me like this,
with a smile on my face,
with a spark in my eyes,
with my words
dripping down my hands
like honey,
hoping to sweeten your days.
remember me like this,
quiet and thinking,
wanting to keep this moment forever.

make this sorrow
this suffering
this pain
worth it.
tell me stars will be born
out of my darkness,
a spring from my winter,
wholeness from brokenness.
tell me
my bones have been broken
so that light finds a way through them.

sometimes on bright days
when i can't stop smiling,
when i look up at the sky
with a sparkle in my eyes
i can hear your voice
and i feel the scars you
left on my heart
and i wonder if the sun
is shining for you too
i wonder if the same hope
that is nestled in my heart
lives in yours too
and sometimes i wonder
if the last words
i said to you visit you
at night just like the pain
you gave me sometimes does
but mostly i wonder
if you're happy
i wonder if you have love
i wonder if the memories
of the short amount of bliss
that we had make you smile
i wonder if you're okay
and honestly, i
hope you are.

in my pocket i keep
words from the sun
with light to shine
through the cracks of
your heart

in my pocket i keep
wildflowers and daisies
lovely and bright for
you to place on
your hair

in my pocket i keep
mints and lollipops
and chocolates and
caramels to sweeten
your day

in my pocket i keep
bad jokes and funny
stories from years
past to bring out
your smile

in my pocket i keep
pennies for you to
wish on a well so
that you never forget
your dreams.

when you leave my body
i will love you
i will tend the spring in your hair
make flowers
bloom
make your waves
oceans
when you leave my body
i will raise you
to the sky
let you touch the clouds
the sun
let you know what light is
when you leave my body
i will keep you in my heart instead
i will kiss your forehead
press you against my chest
i will love you.

one day i will see the gleam
that once filled your eyes
make them their home again
one day i will see you smile again
one day i will see you fly and be brave
one day i will see you open your heart
one day i will see you sparkle
and one day i'll see you choose life
and chase your dreams
and take a chance
and run through fields of wildflowers
and dance to the sound of rainfall
and i will see you believe
and i will see you hope
and i will see you love
and i will see you be
all you were meant to be.