i slept with my phone on last night
clutched it tight in my hand as i tried to fall asleep
regretting the topic i brought up but hoping to feel the heartbeat simulation
the vibration set to your contact buzz in the palm of my hand
waiting for answers knowing that you weren’t doing the same when i wasn’t replying
realising that i have destroyed any possible non platonic feeling you have for me by bringing up the pain that’s festered inside for three weeks
i slept with three blankets on last night
still shivering cold from anxiety
the cold didn’t vanish even when i added more blankets
i slept with a hope last night
a hope that you’d realise in the morning that even after this fight i’m still worth it
a hope that your fear of committing would vanish and you’d come to your senses
i still hold the hope tight, as i did my phone when i fell asleep last night.

you said you don’t know what you’d do to yourself if anything happened to me
you said if i died you’d die with me
so what do you propose to do?
now that you’ve happened to me and killed a part of me that should’ve died long ago
what’s the plan for our demise? what’s the movie script ending you have in mind?
the sun killed the moon and the stars shine in her absence.

the second shot
you called them all
made every spilt second decision to turn our platonic friendship into a disaster of i wanna get back together
you frame us a best friends now
but i think boyfriend suits you better
you thought the same last week
the switch flipped, you got scared of falling once more
and once more i am left, alone in my bed, crying into my pillow over the sun kissed blonde boy who drives me to the brink of insanity
my god i love you
my god i need to stop loving you

the crash
spinning into the opposite lane
the panic
how the **** did this happen?
the realisation
okay, a car hit mine but i’m perfectly fine
the contact
call my mum call my sister
but the first person i thought of after all of this was you
there’s a reason for this i’m sure
and i don’t want to accept it
how is it that even in the most terrifying time i have ever been placed in, i still thought of you to talk to first
you came as soon as i told you what happened
the only calm i felt was when you held me close
i hate it.

july 24, 2018, 12:37 am
my mind is constantly fixated on you
the idea of you
the idea of us, repeating over and over
spinning like a broken record, the same melody on repeat but the scratches make it sound different each time
i don’t know why you’re still on my mind, or why you have been for the last six months..
i can’t escape it
even when you weren’t here I still couldn’t escape you, you are everywhere, you are everything
i can’t live without something retracing my steps back to you, the never ending cycle
i wish i could outrun the patterns, but the marathon sprinter in me has been bolted down to the concrete, never to escape
i don’t know what it is that i cannot escape
is it you? is it my fleeting hope to ever move on?
i think my heart isn’t letting me escape the love i have for you
i can’t escape it
i can’t escape you

i want to be loved
i want to feel the warmth of a loving embrace
i want to know what it's like to feel hopelessly devoted to another being
i want to live in the sunshine and not in the shade, hidden away by the fear that i'll run into you in the narrow hallway, thanking my for your stay and that my body was a lovely resting place
i don't want to feel like  a vacation or provocation to someone, i want to be a home
i want to fall in love with someone who truly reciprocates the passion i have for thee
i just want you to fall in love with me

why is it that everything you do makes me want to break down and cry like i don’t actually think you understand how confused i am over your *******. can you please make up your mind? are you in for the long haul or am i just some pretty little notch in your god dam bed post? i thought i was alright with this whole friends with benefits thing but honestly i can’t keep doing this to myself when for the past four days i’ve literally been so miserable because it’s like you turned off a ******* switch and now all it seems to me is that you’re playing games with fire and i don’t like that.