The other day I showed my mom my poems
"Why do you always write sad poems? Write happy." She says
I just nodded, but I couldn't tell her my code of secrecy.
I write so I can let all the pain go
The pain of yesterday
and the reason that was was that I didn't have anybody when I moved
Everybody was occupied
And on my first day of school, I ruined everything
my words were spoken in clumps
and my pen was my only companion
So I wrote
wrote like the ink was my blood and paper my skin
and poetry accepted my request of being a friend
now my poems act as a mentor and a tutor
I can't give up writing sad poems
because if I do,
I'll lose yesterday

blood rushing into my head
painless, but yet burning; white
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
i will be remembered as a hero
not a coward;
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
i will be worthwhile to remember
not worthless
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
i will be known for my kindness
which never existed
to cover up what really happened
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
somebody will cry that they love me
instead of me being hated
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
everything will be better
at least death has its own dwellings

Today is Mother's Day.
My mother's name means victory.
She smells like a proper, hard-working woman, but also a pristine chrysanthemum.
I type this with a burnt tea tongue for and to my lovely, lovely mom.
My mother supports feminism, masculinism, and me.
She taught me how to speak, how to run, how to love, how to feel.
I love my mother.
I miss being 8 when you would tuck me in, but I miss yesterday when you told me how to deal with a mishap.
My family isn't in any way organised or perfect, but you do your best to put us in line like toy soldiers.
Sometimes I fall out with her, we get into fights a lot.
I hate crying in front of her, it makes me insecure.
I hate when she gets mad at me, my heart shakes when her voice drills the car.
But without her my life would be different, I would be a selfish, spoilt girl who isn't strong and doesn't have common sense.
Although she won't understand this, she gave up half her life to move from her homeland to the country whose tongue she can't understand,
I want to scream out,
I LOVE YOU, MOM.
Happy Mother's Day to the sweetest, most-hardworking mother in this eternity.
xoxo,
F C

I am drowning
drowning in every breath I take in with my burning lungs
drowning as if you are pushing me headfirst into a cold river
drowning as if my brain had started swelling
but I’m an actress
"yes, I’m okay," I say through struggling,
but you are pushing me
when I can’t swim
and when I try to float back to the surface,
you pull me back down
"don't you like it?"
"I do, but, its just.."
"you're gonna be fine"
I'm not going to be fine.
but I can't fight you.
because this friendship is like a slave contract.
you are owning my feelings
and washing them away with your violent waters.

I've found a lover
A lover in the least likely of all
A lover who listened
A lover who can overpower but protect me
A lover who is persuasive
A lover who is like a drug
A lover who is so tempting to follow
A lover who speaks their mind to me
A lover who told me to join their mission
Death kissed me on the neck and took
                                                      me
                                                  by
                                             the
                                       hand

Her mailed candy
from half a world away
taste of our friendship
and of my childhood
but mostly bittersweet nostalgia
I remember those afternoons under the bent tree
crouching on the trodden grass because we didn't want to get bitten by bugs
chewing the exact candy I have in my mouth
my mouth watering and melting it
the sweet and stale candy took me somewhere else
where only my memories of her existed

quivering in the rain
7pm in the night
i’ve lost my keys
and somebody’s love too.
shivering once I get in
I change into my pajamas
and turn on the tv
only to be greeted by a blank screen
but not as blank as how I feel
muttering, i jump back into bed
only to miss
the glow that illuminated your side of the bed

Of course it's her; she is the universe while I am barely a moon
She's the shooting stars while I am an asteroid
She's the galaxy while I am merely a planet
She's has a meaning while I am just a riddle

You broke me up
You broke me up into shards, lying on the floor, helpless
You broke my heart
You broke my heart up, lying to say that you would be mine forever
You were a lying mirror, telling the other girls the same thing
You were a puzzle, never knowing which piece went where
I sometimes even wondered if all the pieces were there
I gave you all I had, because I trusted you
You stole and grabbed and took all of me, merciless and cold
I was hypnotized by your lies: I was the one, we would be forever together
But that’s what you told everyone else
I gave you my attention; you drank it up like lemonade on a hot day, not leaving any for me
I gave you my hopes; but you took it away and threw it on the ground, stomping viciously
I gave you my dreams; but you said they would never come true and I was lying on the floor, sobbing
I gave you my love; but you treated me like a stranger and my heart was bleeding
I gave you my life; but you drowned me in the river that flowed under the stone bridge, and I almost died
You suffocated me; you broke me; you murdered away all the color in me
Now I sit, silently sobbing, regretting ever meeting you, a tear of anger slowly falling
We are done.