"Do you think less of me?"
"Why would you even consider that thought?"
He sounded offended.
"I guess failures make you less of a person."
He pulled me into a hug and breathed to my hair.
Shushing the chaos that took residence
in the crevices of my thoughts.
In that moment, failing seemed
to be worlds away.
He looked at me like I was magic,
and maybe I was.
Maybe I was too preoccupied
highlighting my flaws,
and there he was counting
all the amazing things
that I deny day in and day out.
He looked at me like I can do anything,
and maybe I actually could.
Maybe I could be invincible,
because it sure as hell felt
like it whenever he smiles at me
with the silent words saying
"I'm proud of you, always."
Maybe I am set for
greater things, maybe I am so
much more than I give myself
maybe I am meant to be a
supernova in the vastness of his galaxy.
How could this amazing man
hug a ticking bomb as if
cradling a new born child?
How could he see past the
imperfection and still call
How could a man like him
exist in a world full of
doubts and cynicism?
And maybe I am actually winning
in life despite the failures
because I have him.
"I've missed your voice."
I've missed singing you a song
even if I am off-key
You indulge in my whims
and loved me anyway
You kissed me under that stairwell
when I said something weird.
I loved how your palms
cupped my cheek
that nanosecond between
our first kiss
how your eyes danced
Now I watch you fall in love
with someone else
How could a heart like
mine ever be okay with that?
I watch you watch her
I watch you smile at her
I watch you adore her
I watch you as your
at the sight of her.
Has it been like that with me?
I hope someday you'll
watch me fall in love too.
You left me with a broken heart
that could never be mended
A gaping hole that can never be filled
A heart engulfed in coldness
that no amount of heat can thaw
A longing that will now forever be unrequited
Earlier that day I had this dead weight on my shoulders
There was this gnawing feeling I just can’t simply shake off
But I put on the mask of bravery, it was something I was accustomed
to wearing whenever I talk to you.
Each night before I go to sleep I remove the bravery mask
and cry myself to sleep, numbing the ever present pain.
Promise me no more crying you said while touching my cheeks.
I cannot promise that was my silent reply
Mom called that morning, she said it’s bad
From the scale of bad to death she was pretty euphemistic
It had always been bad, it never got better
So when she said it, I was confused by the worry in her voice
It couldn’t be what I was thinking, it just couldn’t be, I am not ready yet.
I will never be ready.
Room 202: I was standing just right outside the white door,
holding on to the useless doorknob who couldn’t support the heavy feeling in my chest
I opened the door with a smile but with evident worry in my eyes.
I immediately greeted you Happy Valentine’s day, an I love you and a peck on your left cheek
You said Happy Valentine’s and I love you too.
You held me by the nape a second too long
And between those labored breaths and that smile reserved for me, I knew it was time.
No. No. No.
Turmoil of emotion swirled inside me.
The Brave Mask slowly slipping off.
Your last breath was the one thing I wanted to erase in my head
It was etched there, vivid and all too painful to bear
You promised me a lot of things Papa
You said you will see me through my graduation in law school
You said you will be there as I sign the Roll of Attorneys
You didn’t keep you promises
And here I am trying to tip toe at the wake you have left
Here I am trying to picture the future without you
Here I am watching my very heart break every single time.
They say things get easier
That I would learn to accept that you are gone
But what they don't know is a part of me died with you
and I will never be whole ever again.
You are my favourite nightmare
The way you bathe me in blood
The way you grip me like a vise
The way you strangle me to the point of suffocation
The way you poison my veins
The way you drag me to limbo
The way you possess my weak soul
And each night, I would still go to sleep
begging for more.
“We should break up”
I wish it was that blunt,
that simple. I wish I had the heart
to tell it directly to your face.
But what we did was dance around it,
until its fatal poison pulsates
from our hearts to our veins
marrying our blood
until it consumes us making it
uglier than it already is –
giving life to monsters we both feared,
until it clouded our judgments
until you hurt me more than I can allow you to,
until you curse me in your head.
We did it in a barely clever
hardly subtle way,
and I wish we could have done it differently
so that maybe, just maybe,
I could think of you without
that bitter taste in my mouth
and you will be a
distant beautiful memory.
Our ending was bad,
maybe it is the only worth
of the half decade we had.
Now I stood at the back of this old church. See you cry with all the intensity and emotions. You look divine in that suit. The air is filled
with the smell of roses. White ones.
You're doing the happy cry once more. I told you it
doesn't suit you one bit, but I will let you have it this time.
I can feel the weight of your stare from across this vast space of pastel colors, of ribbons with intricate details, of highly decorated pews, of slow murmurs of the guests half of which we barely know - your stare means, This is it, it is finally happening. I know your hands are clammy, you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your throat any moment. Hold yourself together, sweet love. It will be official soon enough.
Pachebel Canon is now being played softly on the piano, as if on cue, all the murmurs stopped, it was replaced by ooohs and ahhhs. I noticed the guests are as excited as you. I could very well feel the welling up of jumbled emotions inside me.
She looked perfect. She looked every bit of a happy girl marrying her dream guy - the love of my life.
And my heart plummets to this bottomless abyss of sadness.
Today you will be marrying her. Today you are no longer mine. Today you looked your happiest, and maybe that will be enough for me.
You loved me before, I love you now, I guess timing and chances will never rhyme.
you were the unforgiving sun
i was the blood-red rose slowly wilting
you were the trigger of a gun
i was the lost deer - eyes barely blinking
you were the puppeteer
i was the marionette tangled on a string
you were the chaos I hear
i was the stubborn kid left begging
you were the delusions in my head
i was the patient refusing medication
you were the temptations I was fed with
i was the sinner never seeking salvation
you were the eerie howl at dawn
i was the girl with so much desperation
you were the gloomy song
i was the mad one singing in unison
it was you who messed me up
now I am flawed as I'll ever be
this madness will never stop
until someone rescues me
You leaned closer
put your hand on
my right cheek
and I am torn between
what is scarier,
the fact that my head
towards the warmth
of your touch
like they have been dying
or the fact that
you made me feel
a whole kind of
beautiful by the
most simple act
of grazing your hand
on my pale face.
I was doomed
Under the downpour of a torrential rain, you hugged me closer to your chest "We should make a run for it." you said. With a silly smile accompanied by ripples of inexplicable emotions, I obliged. We jumped through puddles like kids playing under the rain, we were careless and free, we were young filled with glee.
We sang our hearts' contents. I never felt such ecstasy, such high, such feeling of pure excitement. Was it love? I need not ask myself, all along I knew the answer. I was ready for the free fall, I knew you were waiting to catch it. I was there giving my heart away, you gladly took it and said it will be out of harm's way.
In your arms felt home. Your warm hugs washed all the ache I once had before. Then, I knew nothing could go wrong. We drank in the magnanimity of it all. We were invincible. It was great. It was real.
Now, the operative word here - was. Funny how a past tense changes everything entirely, the meaning, the belief, two people who both had hopes of a perfect future.
: there are promises that
escaped your deceiving mouth,
promises I clung to
as if I am clinging for
dear life. And when the
moment arises that you
should be making good
of thy promises, I reached
for a hand to hold and
felt no one there,
just the coldness
of an abandoned soul
Then I knew, I am
my own lover.
at one point in your life
people will perpetually fail you
they will leave you with
unspeakable scars and
and more often than not
you'll stay with them,
a front row audience to
and long after the
curtains have been drawn
and the lights have begun to flicker
the applause long gone
you will be left with a
gaping hole and bruised heart.
was it all worth it? is your question
could you have done it differently?
no, because you know that if
given the chance to rehash everything
you will be rooted in the same spot.
the only thing that mattered was,
you fell in love, hard.
gloomy Thursday afternoon
your ever-changing mind
blood shot eyes
Baby do you love me?
ray of 6am sunshine
through your bedroom window
empty beer bottles
as empty as your smiles
my hands on your chest
trying to synchronize
the beating of our hearts
Baby do you love me?
cold air blasting through the AC
my mind wandering far from you
your hand on my left knee
Bob Marley on the radio
red light up above us
heavy sighs and shaking hands
tears at bay
Baby did you ever love me?
there seems to be no end to this erratic beating of my heart
blame these incessant thoughts and gooey heart
I catch my breath as you inch forward
closed my eyes and knew I fell hard
this tiny gap between our lips
my love is yours to keep
too elated to have taken that leap
slowly drowning, now waist-deep
you closed the space between our mouths
promised me bliss from here on out
eradicated all fears and all doubts
assured me there will be no falling out
I wore my heart on my sleeves to a fault
a half decade later you are ready to bolt
oh bidding goodbye to all demons we fought
how to breathe without you,
was the one thing you never taught
is there some
sense of truth in what
F. Scott Fitzgerald once said?
that the best thing
a girl can be
in this world
is a fool -
a beautiful little fool
yes and maybe that was
all she ever was to you -
your own beautiful little fool
someone you flippantly
someone you neglect like
an old unwanted doll
for with much pride
you believe that
at the end of the day
she'll come running
back to you
losing you was a slow burn
just like breathing
you can never unlearn
it was the subtlety
the uncanny way
of how you chose to end it
it wasn't full of drama
neither a vision of me
throwing a fit
it was as silent as hearts breaking
like a low whisper
of unsaid i love yous
as delicate as a feather
landing on a bed of nails
but that didn't cushion the blow
the pain was grand
it was gasping for air underwater
it was the realization of a nightmare
it was everything
i wasn't prepared for