The other day was quite different for me, as I was reminded of my old notebooks,
The sketches that adorned the edges of each page and ton's of scribbled messages, I went hunting for those old books in my huge collection of books, usually, I never get back to the things I left years ago, colorful name slips and neatly covered books they still carried the elegance that was left of my mother's artistry, I could visualize how for hours she went on cutting the brown papers and neatly covering them and me on one side happily sticking colorful name stickers , as I turned an old book found the big curvy 'and 'f' that echoed the little gal, leafing through the pages I could draw a million stories, stories of my friends and teachers and all our school days, the day at the lemon juice vendor when Achu got dysentery and so many faces popped before me alive, many laughing giggling girls and boys, all had their happy little faces the excitement of a great joke,
the next was a tiny italicized scribbling, I scrutinized it for a moment then it occurred it was Anu's handwritten message that she is leaving for another city, while all these years I went on thinking where she disappeared, I had forgotten to check my notebook, I had missed her for years and always thought one day I would find her, after all, these years of hiding, she appeared suddenly on my pages!

seven years.
Seven years and nothing has changed, you’re the same person just with an unnamed face.  You told me you would change,but that will never happen, because I can still smell the alcohol even when you’re miles away.
You knew what you were doing, but you never stopped. You kept destroying her every move as if you claimed her,
She was not yours to claim.
You acted as if you were the hero who saved me but instead you were the hideous monster who hypnotized my eyes. You told me that you would stay, but I can’t help but notice that I still have a flinch as if you’re still hitting my face.
“Please stop”
I can’t take it
It was never fun living in a nightmare, so when I finally got some help, you decided to follow my every move until you made me think it was my paradise in disguise.  
And if you ever asked me If I forgave you all I can say is I saw the word caution when I saw you the first time, but my mistake was when  I crossed the yellow line,
I never took the procedure,
I didn’t think to follow the steps I needed to take to make a perfect family again.
I never thought for a second, that you would change me so much.
I saw the fire in your eyes as if you let it overtake your body.
Just one droplet, one more and everything will be just fine,
But it wasn’t
I saw her for the first time coward in the corner terrified,
of her own spouse.
I saw my sister with tears in her eyes, and I felt bad because I couldn’t support her, I couldn’t wrap my arms around her, I couldn’t pull her close,
I couldn’t do anything.
I felt useless.
You told me to do things that shouldn’t have been done, you told me to do this and you told me to do that and all I could do, is follow your instructions.
To think we used to be a big happy family, the kind you see on T.V and now were stuck in hell just trying to play catch up, trying to run faster than the other. Trying to beat out the rest.

And yes
Sometimes my sadness slips from underneath my eyelashes and rolls onto the tear stained fabric beneath me
And yes
Sometimes I feel as if the world was ending with each passing second of every living day
And yes
Sometimes the noise inside of my head gets so loud that Ill intoxicate my thoughts just numb them for the time being
Yes life is hard sometimes
But no
I will never give up on fighting for myself

Ashes turned to clouds hovered above my head
And like venom, their rain penetrated my veins
Seizing my heart, leaving me a lifeless mess
I squirmed and slithered through the gaps
That were left inside my decaying mind
In attempts to find the sanction I only knew
When I was safe inside his tender hold
Beneath the stars that spoke our sacred bond
But as quickly as the night would come
It would go and I could see the scars
I've hid from all that were blinded by the light
I was the foolish one, with a crack of a bottle
And the tip of my head, burning fire in my throat
A lost girl in your bed, trying to find the Truth
That I knew so well in your passionate gaze
Your mellifluous voice killed all the demons
Inside my skin, breaking my every bone
The years have passed like the seasons have
And I find that every snake you've killed
Have come back with this storm hovering me
Oh but I was the foolish one who buried you
And exposed my tattered soul in a whirlwind
With a drunken haze, that painted me blue
Yet I still hope in all the death I've seen
That all these things will be turned to gold
And the doves that flew inside our spirits
Would return and kiss our naked souls
Bringing shivers that spoke every silent word

-
I’ve been walking this long hallway
for over a year
Reading the gilded framed
poems lining the walls,
verse after verse of
beautifully written words

I have made some good
friends along the way
Met some wonderful poets
who I have learned from
as well as learned to respect
and admire (watching far too many leave)
these meetings I will cherish

I have also crossed paths with a few
who didn’t care for me all that much,
hated my dreadful reviews, (blocked me for that)
misundertood my attempts at humor
or didn't appreciate the love poetry
I tried to slip in amongst the fighting,
but that’s okay, it takes all kinds

I've counted the masks worn,
there are more than two reasons
aren't there?
Some smiling, some not,
all there for their own reasons,
which it is not for me to judge
or anyone else, though that doesn't
seem to stop it from happening

Still little by little I have
headed towards a faint light
The soft glow at the far end
of this prose tiled floor
Each day the light became
a bit stronger, brighter
That tiny glowing square
in the distance
bigger and bigger

My shadow leading or following,
longer or shorter
depending on if I walk facing
forwards or backwards,
hop scotching over the hate,
sneaking past the accusations,
hiding from trolls (he found me anyway)
and the finger pointed whining,
hoping to pass go,
(you can keep the two hundred)


All the while sadly realizing
I am slowly becoming
smaller and smaller,
barely visible to others here
Disappearing a little more
with each passing day
Till now I am nothing more
than a forgotten minute speck
at the furthest end
of this meandering corridor

An insignificant silhouette
of a poet who once was,
now slowly fading
out through the opening
to stand in the bright sunlight
And as I refocus my eyes
to my new surroundings
I turn to wave goodbye
to what I so enjoyed
only to see a sign that reads…

*“Thanks for visiting Hellopoetry, whoever the hell you were”

I’ve been sitting in the crack in the couch

tapping my feet on the coffee table

pourover in hands

left

right

must write

what can pop up in the sphere on top of my neck to make me spit out words



too many screens

after all the paper in front of me used to be a dead tree



too many sighs

after all I left the pain and got what I wished for



too many souls

afterall we’re just one mirror

Winter leaves fall harder than most,
covered in the ice of Jack Frost's ghost.
They fall much too hard, and much too quickly
And the beautiful echoes shatter sickly.
Maybe the wind will take the pieces
Off into peace,
Or will they sit there and decease?
Is there a reason for hope?
Or will nature have to cope
With the broken pieces in the dirt?