My mom told me when I was thirteen years old, that friends can really be enemies in masks and you won't notice until you're crying in your room at two in the morning because they said something that cut so deep that you think you might bleed out right there. She told me to stop talking to those people because they're going to destroy you, or even worse, they'll make you destroy yourself. What she failed to mention was that getting the poison out of your blood is so much more difficult than anyone will tell you. When I was thirteen, I brushed off her warnings and told her things weren't like that with us.  I wish I could tell myself what I know now, because it's always easier to quit before the poison hits your bloodstream.

I hate how your memory is stitched onto my veins,
I spent all day in bed trying to scrub you off my skin,
I spent all night trying to escape these shadows,
I can't seem to allow myself to let you walk towards the light,
I'm waiting for something that's never existed,
It's so cold here and I can't feel my heart beat anymore,
It's so loud here and I can't hear myself think anymore,
I spent all year hoping to stop this feeling of regret,
I blame myself for all that pain you conjured,
The creature in my bloodstream chews me up,
I can't feel the blood flow through my veins anymore,
I can't hear the strange voices anymore.

There were blades running in
my blood
i could feel every single one of them
specially when i was going to
slit the skin
of my forearm, just to see if i was still
bleeding enough to be
alive
but i was & have been dead for a long time
ago and i
could barely feel
any other blade or needle or knife
piercing my skin,
tearing me off,
pulling my heart away
with no heartbeats,
only blades &
blood.

darling* there's no need to
fret
depression is my life's right
set
baby don't you
worry
self hatred is my soul's fate,
surely
dear don't shed a useless
tear
because you'll forget about me
in only a
year
babe don't be scared to walk
away
i've been alone my whole life
anyway.

if this is life,
if this is true,
if this is real,
if this is care,
if this is love,

its not.