You tend to me
in a way
no one else has before,
letting me grow
anew.

my mom came up
into my room tonight.
she said ive been getting
even smaller.
she made me show her
my hip bones
and my ribs.
my weight is at the point
where its scary.

you wanna know
what real depression
feels like?
it feels like
in your head
you know that
everything will
be okay
and your life
will go on but
your heart hurts.
like physically
hurts.
it's like someone
reached into my chest
and is strangling
my heart.
just crushing it
to pieces.
i don't want to
move or
get out of bed.
i haven't
eaten yet today.
i tried this morning,
took one bite and
felt like
i was gonna puke.
my stomach
keeps growling
like it's taunting me
cause it knows
i can't lose
anymore weight
without
becoming sick.
and there's nothing
can do about it either.
like,
i'm dying
and i can't
help myself.

i've heard so many
rumors about
addiction.
do me and millions
of others a favor
by not talking about it,
unless you've experienced it.
unless you've spent
days in recovery groups,
or a hospital bed,
hours sitting beside the toilet,
experienced intense cravings,
or withdrawal symptoms
that make you feel like
you're dying.
"duh, just quit."
you don't understand.
and i hope you never have to.
you try something for
your own reasons.
you like it for the
happiness it brings or
because it helps you forget.
you continue to use it
for that reason
and it leads to addiction.
at that point its too late
to "just quit".
you're brain begs for it.
if you don't give in,
depending on your addiction,
you're left with
nausea,
hot and cold sweats,
dizziness,
headaches,
and no appetite.
addiction is not
something to joke about.

now that i'm sober
my mom says that
i've quit a lot
and i don't have to
give up smoking
just yet.
but she buys
nicotine patches
and leaves them
in my room.
i'm trying mom.
i swear it to you.