You sent tremors of earth-quaking nerves through me
My tongue burned
My hands shook
Breathing was slow, fiery heaves of hopelessness

I carry a chest that is gutted hollow
Filled with leaden sadness
I choke on with each swallow

Silence muttered tears of shame
It cackled disappointment in my ears
You knifed words into my chest
Cracking my ribs
Tearing my skin
Tattooing my heart with your name
Although you swore you weren't mine

I'm sick of thinking about you
Thinking things over again and through
I broke me before you could
I tore my veins out
Ripped my seams
Shattered my skin
Reminded myself of all the things that couldn't have been

I carry a chest that is gutted hollow
Filled with leaden sadness
I choke on with each swallow

I released storms of pain
Letting it wreak havoc inside my brain
Self destruction
Build up
Break down construction

I'm tired of having you on my mind
Tired of your name on the tip of my tongue
Choking with every word expressed
Twist tied wrists
Bleeding ears remiss

I carry a chest that is gutted hollow
Filled with leaden sadness
I choke on with each swallow

Raw hurt blooms softly in my chest
With each morose, ragged breath
Everywhere I turn
You blur my vision purpled grays

You consume my head
As a drugged smoke
Seeping into my nerves
I scream hoping to shake you free
I sob hoping to rid myself of your toxic love
Desperate with each heaving shove

I carry a chest that is gutted hollow
Filled with leaden sadness
I choke on with each swallow

Silent rebellion of loud tears
I crumple to the floor of my heart
My hands shake
Breathing is slow heaves of fiery hopelessness
I swallow you in tiny circles
My hands shake
Breathing is slow wisps of death

Overpowering urges self destruction
numbness c ra cks and reseals
deep
    trenches
cut out
in the shape of your name

The feeling's queasy
somersault through my
twisted veins
blind rage encapsulated by a sad
blackened
frame

Bruises and scars fade
but the        coursing
pain will
forever    remain
a dark
heavy trotting
reign

Horse hooves crater my heart
collision beat
of a marching bands feet

my heart
my heart

is screaming in the dark
the shadow slightly falls

my heart
my heart

Inject your unknowing poison
I feel the sting
as it rips fire to my insides
your hands leave chemical burns
as you squeeze my lungs

I fall to my knees
weakness writhes in numb defeat
pull the tide
hold it in my hands
sending it crashing
to wash over you again

That's when I first tasted the burn of this world
the bitter taster of disappointment
the stabbing of my heart
the waterfalls of sorrow

My eyes have died
their light no longer lives
I shrivel and crumble
with a slow
dull
ache

I do not scream out
destroy my sand castles
burn my bridges
knock my buildings down

dynamite love
dynamite love

I wander with a brain blown to bits
I scavenge every
scrap
          of m u t ilated so-called-love
I am dynamite
          you are matches
all that stood between us
was a wick of string
          and time.

I'll stay awake tonight
I'll make sure our memory
stays
alive

I'll wrap it up
hold it close
give it warmth
rock it back and forth

I won't let it grow cold
I won't let it's light die out
I

I will hold it in my heart
let it set me on fire
orange burns flaming blue

finality drops like a gavel
resounding
echo
ring

endsclashwithbeginnings
as sunrises and nights do

my stomach tips
tipsy containing all of you
my lips they
burn
from         dragging     you in
I smoke you
and

I

I choke on your
                sickeningly
                         sweet
                               poison
you
fill
my lungs
deflate my kerosine heart

your love
burned me
up
my skyscrapers
down

coldly hollow
winded room
with blown out candle thoughts

lifeless eyes
     c rac ked
window panes
the glass you  
                touched
was frigidly warm
with nocturnal sapphire gleams

my door sits ajar
but you knock          continually
banging
my wooden paneled frames

splinter me through
rapture
my shores of endless sores

I

I am

I am begging
you
to light me on fire
               set me ablaze once more

power hold of gripping electric lies
did it give you some
sick
twisted
satisfaction to break me
          down
to shove my head
underwater
and force me to
         drown?

The aftershocks
Ripple rash anger consuming my frame.

****** duels with metal swords of rage
That slice innocence in half.

Irrational self-destruction,
Showing signs of weak malfunction.
Boiling blood gurgling through my veins.

How do I dare let such a horror rule my weak blackened hands?

Snarling fangs,
Foaming rabid with distain, puncture my brain.
Ripping pride and ego to bloodied shreds.

Failure, weakness, defeat,
Their sharp clawed feet incessantly transfix me.  

Agonizing.
Inflicting purposeful pain,
The need to destroy shall grind me to a pulp.

Evil is ruling a twisted game.
Queen of Hearts.  
King of Spades.

Gnawing at my bones, my tendons snap.
Eyes of fire that could torch one’s soul, encase a beastly rage.
I roar,
Thrashing and afraid.

You were a nightmare
in a fairy tale disguise
and my heart

heart

aches so hard
you

You were ribbons of blood     tied

so   tightly
twisted around   around my heart
I didn't mind the least, I
distorted
rains as

It fractures across my face
cracks of nostalgia

placed by lightening storms
that crackle
across
my skin

With a slight
slapping
                 sting

I hate time, the way it speeds up
                                                                      slows
down
and     jerks      

me around

It slaps me in the face
Cackling with a ferocity of time travel
rewind reverse velocity

Dragging me by a thought
        
            thread

shatter the light with
explosive
hammering in my eyelids

My atmosphere darkly  
                               clouded
by
lowly haunt clouds

My heart rumbled thunder in my chest  
my eyes swelled stormy
crashing down with foamed black water

I

I struggle to breathe with the crushing
promise broken
      ribs
that cage my lungs

Your cold
spiny fingers

clutch

my heart
as it
        beats
your fingernails needle poison
into
my veins

stopping blood flow once again

In your sick twisted play-time
my eyes witness
my veins
pulse
black

     you

you squeeze completing the crime
blood covers your hands
    
          you wash them clean
     they are stained
  blood blue      
       ribs splinter
your fingertips
       the moon will pull
the
    tide
to wash me into the sea.

The crushing waves obliterated me as
the air had settled
stale
my sea was not
black
nor smooth
as glass

but
stones of thought
sent it rippling
as you

you

you twisted the moon in your favor

the wail of
gut wrenching
thoughts

gusts

through the corridors of my mind
       tornado memories
crack my eyes

I stare at my clenched hands
slowly
turning purple from the surging pain
of
remembering

I will
whisper
your

your

name for the first time in days
run it over my teeth and tongue so
slow

I'll savor the bittersweet taste making sure not to swallow
it whole
Shocking black
into a hue of navy blue
My heart sputters
choking

on sharp splitting pain
Convulsively, impulsively

reaching out
my broken fingers for you
They meet frozen
fractured
glass

I shift my weight and I shatter

slipping

slipping through the crack of your abyss.

I sobbed last night, really cried like I haven't in awhile. Not because of a broken love or scars burned and slashed across my heart, but because of the hatred that has consumed my heart, my mind and being. I was not okay with it, I am not okay with it. You cannot heal if you hold hatred so close to a place inside of you that pumps life to your very fingertips. You cannot. It turns your heart black and shrivels your veins, it turns your hands and feet blue and lifeless. It corrodes your mind slowly and destroys your being and the light which burns within. I will not be my own destroyer, I am a healer and I am special. I have something others do not with words, anyone can burn and break with words, but me, me I can heal. That is a gift and I know this. I have helped so many beautiful people around me with the advice I have given. I have watched them heal and become happy and their lives blossom because they listened to me and believed. Every time I give a compliment to anyone their eyes shine and I now know why. They sense my sincerity and then they are left with a touch of healing because of my true sincerity in everything I say. I do not mean any of that with even the slightest narcissism at all. I am simply amazed at how I was chosen to be given such a gift and I am so blessed and grateful for this kind of gift. I am not saying I am a clean carrier with no shadows haunting my every corner. That would not be true because I do. I'm saying I need to learn to control them and live with them, instead of living them. I am not saying I will not have dark sunrises, afternoons and sunsets. I am not saying I will not have my sad days because I know I will. I am saying I am going to try to have less and have more days where I listen to my shadows wisdom but act with the lights step and hands. I will not let go of my darkness because that is a vital part of me, without it I could not have realized this. It is a war having a spilt being of shadows and lights but I was given that because that is how you realize these things. In order to be a healer I believe you have to fight gruesome battles in order to know how to help heal others. It's taught me valuable things, my battles. Such a gift comes with a price, but seeing others blossom and heal because of advice I gave or a compliment given, that is love, that is priceless. You need the dark to see the light and it is only a matter of time before you do. I'm starting to see it.

I'm tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close
I'm sick of having them hover so near
I want them to disappear
White and black shifting shadows
Circles that breathe in and out
I want to shout and release, but with them comes no ease
They are reaching into my skull with their bony fingers
They grasp on to my train of thought, I can't even say I fought
stabs across my skin

    signals from my nervous system

Dice up my heart and feed it to the shadows
I'm tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close
They whisper my name constantly beating me insane
I swear I'm mad, because sometimes it makes me glad
twisted and knotted in my veins they cackle inside my brain

Sometimes we're friends and the fun never ends
we sit together in gray weather
dredged with darkness I whisper your name
I turn it over on my tongue
waiting and        wishing                    becoming so much more
                                                            ­                                          numb
Days seep into nights
switch off the lights in my head
put myself to bed
Say goodnight and close your eyes so you don't see the shadowed demons and where they hide
because in your head is where they reside
I'm so tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close.

The sunrise burns with fire
just as my desire
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
empty stare windowing wishes of being there
I've met my tolerance for this pain
I'm losing the game, slowly running insane
I'm sinking down, waiting for the black water to crown
This is going so slow, this descent of a new low
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
stomach ache, smiles that I fake
rewind time with my mind, so I know you not to find
wishing well of forgetting spells enraptures my skull
I will not give in to your lull, repeat this defeat
scar it in again
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
You're forgetting me as I reminisce you
that much is true
I'm sick of staring at the same black hue
twisted heart and scared hands
I was your biggest ******* fan
now I've seen your future plan
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
maybe it's the truth
that I was meant for you but you weren't good for me
You poisoned the sea and now all that's left is fractures of that huge fee
cracked heart of stone
I'm tired of listening to the same old tone
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
I need to give it up
You'll never be mine
Shattered
shattered I'm sick of thinking I never mattered
make it stop, make it go away
I don't want to go on another day
this is going to slow, this descent of a new low
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time.

I was thinking about the day I met you today. I smiled and laughed to myself a little remembering your yellow and purple hoodie. Remembering the fact that you're the only girl I saw who could ever pull off pink eye shadow that well. I remember looking at you, not believing how green your eyes were. I remember the first thing you said to me it was "You should say yes." Thinking back on it to how we are now, I never would've guessed you to be such a huge part of my life. I kept getting your scent today, it happened five or six times. It wasn't anyone wearing your perfume. I just caught it. I felt tiny knives in my heart, it made me nostalgic.

Foggy glass, disoriented lens
Distant lights, feelings beacon the whirlwind within
Touch, pass, patch up leaky feelings of the past
Smile and laugh what a perfect cover that goes up fast
Feel passionately? Dear god, watch faces become aghast
Shun, make fun, outcast those who express emotions
Oh no, fall in step with typical motions
"Be yourself," they say, "We prefer you that way."
Utter ******* they feed you with, they don't want the real you
They want a smooth perfected version which surely isn't true
Contradicted, inflicted lies, don't fall in it's a vortex of demise
Mindless behavior we all evoke, based off one hell of a joke.

Pause, panic, going insane
Sick feelings and chest pain
Sweaty palms and tired eyes
Can barely grip the pen
repeat
repeat no sinking in
Scream
scream inside to tell my brain quit thinking
Questions, sentences, numbers overload, overload I want to quit
Staring at pages, I scold myself to sit
Fight, battle and war till my brain is no more
Praying
praying to God to make it go away
Eating me whole
rush
rush don't stop, you'll never make it to the top
Paralysis
paralysis clenching my fists
They tell you no gain without pain, **** this I'm going insane
Shadows of failure, failure lurking in my mind
No, no stopping keep going
you're losing time
Perfection has a cost, your head is lost.

Things often collide within my mind
my vision slurred
your name circles my every thought
Flashes of color
words blurred and laughs echo, echo
My shadow is not my own, it doubles into two
you
you
it's always been you
I fought
but your moves are sly
always
always
in the back of my mind
I won't
forget
forget
that your eyes say more than your mouth ever will
Burned into my memory is the way you smile, with a smirk and underlying affections
your fierceness
your intricate complexion
Things often collide within my mind
I trust
I trust  
My body won't forget the sensation of your sway and touch, the way you make it a must
your warmth and fingertips
most of all your lips
I trust my memory
hope for no slips
Stop, play, rewind time
Things often collide within my mind
Static
static is all I hear
your absence is my biggest fear
you not being near
Panic
panic runs through my veins
Stop, play, it's not the same
Leo, lion pure nature of defiant
I was stupid and foolish to try and obtain, knowing lions can never be tame
Distance
distance
my mind screams
but your beauty is intoxicating, you're asphyxiating
I promise
I swear
I'll never not want to be there
Adjectives and verbs, talking about you I never run out of words
I'm saying too much
now's the time to shut up
Stop, play, rewind
Thoughts of you always occupy my mind.

You're disappointing, you've never lived up to all I've imagined you to be. You're a failure. A loser. Wake the hell up. Wake up. You're letting this monster control you, you're letting it beat you. It's like you're it's *****. Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME? You're it's *****. It has you on puppet strings, and I watch as it flails you around. You think you can't win, you are giving up. I'm watching the light die out from your eyes, and it's frightening. Oh god, it is frightening. You sit at this bottomless vortex of darkness and you let it consume you. You let it. YOU LET IT. Listen to me, listen, listen, listen. This is frustrating, I want to shake you, I want to shake you. You're breathing, I know you can hear me. You think you can't climb out and you think you're done for. You think you're dead. You're not dead. YOU'RE NOT DEAD. Think, think. Tick, tick. That's the clock, time is moving, it's still ticking. It's ticking. Do you see the mirror? You see it, I know you do. Look, look at you! You incompetent human being. You *******. You're being selfish, ******* selfish. Stop wallowing in self pity. You're a failure, a failure. Wake up. Wake the hell up. I know you can hear me, I'm right here! Right here in the maze of your mind, and I'm banging on your skull. I know you can hear me, I know. Wake up. Wake the hell up. WAKE UP.

Me: "It's amazing when you think about it. I know and I'm grateful that I got the chance to be me. I may hate myself feverishly sometimes but only because I feel so deeply and others don't and some may say that's being sensitive, it's not ya know? It's feeling without a mental block."
Her: "I LOVE YOU FOR SAYING THAT"
Her: "We actually let ourselves feel all our feelings"
Her: "We're emotional with depth"
Her: "We're universes"
Her: "There's worlds within us"
Me: "That is the most true and beautiful way to describe it."
Me: "It's the depth, I love depth. Depth is a deal breaker, if you have depth you are me and I am you. Depth is like having a blood sister but way better. To me depth is being a part of something larger, we are children of the universe. We were born with galaxies as minds and suns as hearts."

Somedays I wake up completely haunted
Your presence incessantly daunting
Somedays I wake up with a dead weight on my chest
Unable to breathe
Somedays I wake up with sunshine in my hair
Your memory not there
Somedays I wake up with a wet face
In my dreams, it was you I chased
Somedays I wake up not black or white but all shades of gray
I often am silent through that whole day
Somedays I wake up okay
With nothing to say
Somedays I wake up burned and tattooed black
With your name scrawled across my back
But most days?
Most days, I wake up completely haunted.

Every memory replays in my head like a symphony
Every kiss, oh no, I couldn't tell you how much I miss
Every word expressed circles my fingers and arms in a dark red distressed
Every slow movement shadows my world
I close my eyes, oh my, oh my, touch me slightly
Softly the sun dances across my skin exactly where your fingers should've been
I scream and shout but I'm trapped in you, there's no getting out
I've sunk in, drunk on dark waters incessantly drifting out and in
Knocking at your door, heaven, let me in.

The feeling of dread overcomes me once again
Gut stabbing
heart sinking strain
My mind screams no
the colors fade out and in
I stand with my head turned upward
fractured light beams
My fingertips are shriveled
my body purple
I breathe in and out
with every gasp it rushes in
dying
my dreams
Sometimes the world shakes and it makes me so dizzy
I run through the halls of the labyrinth
shapes shifting
shadows lifting then dropping over and over again
My hands lie still but my mind screams in shrills
The colors fade out and in.

Drunk on nostalgia and it's running through my veins tonight
It burns like alcohol, I convince myself it'll be alright
Shot after shot of colorful past memories
The glass clinks as I place it on the table
My hands reach out for something stable
Drunk on nostalgia and its running through my veins tonight
It burns like alcohol, I convince myself it'll be alright
Tipsy and rather wispy, I grasp forward toward you
Nothing is clear, oh dear the world is spinning
This is my inner demons winning
Drunk on nostalgia and its running through my veins tonight
It burns like alcohol, I convince myself it'll be alright
It burns like alcholol
It burns like alcohol

When stars twinkle, are they crying?
Crying because they are so far away from the skies they kiss as darkness descends?
Or is it, maybe, that the stars are whispering to one another, twinkling "I love you"?
Do they twinkle as tears because they are not near?
Near to their companion, who twinkles miles from afar?

Caught in a crossfire
confused with desire
electric feelings
dangerous feelings
out of focus, a rush
longing for touch
two paths, which to choose
left or right
stuck in a plight
so very confused about what is right
{}
Hope is foolish and love makes you blind, you seem to be out of time.

Put me to shame
Who's to blame?
Had me fooled with your silly little games
Infatuated---a high,  a burning spark against the dark night sky.

Bright and ever so fleeting
Crashing and cold
icy comets falling from the stars
Now I stand
stranded
for you took me to sea
ripped the sails then decided to leave me be.

Like a little boy's paper airplane with bent wings
or a woman who has lost her voice and can no longer sing
Kite's on windless days
masterpieces painted on napkins, with the first intention of being thrown away.

Your hands, hungry
for they were emptied
reach into my heart, please do
Your eyes, searching and ravenous
for their light that was stolen
immerse yourself within my radiance, please do
Your ears, alert
for the music that had fallen flat
steal my voice, please do
Your fingers, cold
for your warmth had been a token, a silence that went unspoken
Your heart, broken
seeing that it incessantly beat for someone who had stolen
take mine, please do
Mine is of no use to me, for it seems to only love you.

I so very badly
Wish to be
The sheets wrapped around your
Body, all night long.
I so very badly
Wish to be
The sunlight that kisses your
Skin, softly as the sun rises.
I so very badly
Wish to be
the stars that captivate your
Sight, long into the night.
I so very badly
Wish to be
The melody stuck in your
Head, before you go to bed.
I so very badly
Wish to be
Everything you need.
I so very badly
Wish you to be
Here, lying next to me.
I so very badly, wish to be.

This empty feeling in me does not want to leave
Refuses to pack its bags
don’t see what it’s trying to achieve
Made a home in me
right in my heart
turned it cold and dark.
I used to run away
                             I was weak
                   I gave in
fell to my knees
I let this darkness overcome and here I lie, broken inside.
The will to fight dissipates
as it     whispers            its convincing
                                                          lies
That here, where broken and empty
reside
Is so much safer than letting myself feel happy inside.
That being this is so low
there is no
                fall or receiving                         blow
I used to run away
      I was weak
                 I gave in
                              fell to my knees.
Now when you come knocking, know that there is no me
I’m gone
this is broken and empty’s home.

Everything in over drive
I never felt so alive
Than with you by my side
Stars collided smashingly bright in the dark sky
Every time I shut my eyes, it’s a sparkling dark sea
No one compares to you
I’m so crippled with fear that when I surface you won't be near
Everything in over drive
Your love so intoxicating, asphyxiating
Making it hard to breathe
Your eyes always twinkle like starry night skies
But like I had feared, that twinkle had soon disappeared
Left with an empty, cold stare
Gone with the wind
Burnt out flames
and only ashes remain
Of what had once been.

Running through wildflower fields
With daisy chains in our hair
Your hand in mine, as we ran for our lives
The beat of two hearts
never apart
You turned to me
gasping for air
laughing aloud
I smiled, I’d never let you get away
Made you promise to stay
That very night still burns in my mind to this day.
--------------------------------------
Your words ripped through me
Flowing through my blood
Like the veins in my hands, twisting in my mind
Your heart always invisible to mine
Our daisy chains wilt and die
Just as my heart did when you uttered “Goodbye.”

When the months turn cold, my heart turns to stone
When the colors fade, my chest aches
When the wind whispers my name
I shiver and silently beg, "No!"
My eyes flick up to the sky
I watch as the low dark clouds of my nightmares haunt me
I watch
Frozen in time, I choke on my caught screams
I clench my fists to my sides, and close my eyes
I sink into the storm as it surrounds me
I hold tightly on to the memories of you and me
I watch as reds and oranges reach the sky, destroying what little was alive.