I take tea in the afternoon
as I wait to hear his foot -
falls approaching

I am on
edge until they
kiss my ears in their
heavy booted sound

I add sugar cubes
distractedly, as my
mouth adjusts to
the taste of him

a heaviness on my
lips, upon my neck,
the scratch of a scarf
that looks softer

I imagine the scratch
of a vampire fang to be
worse and breath in and
out my prayers that at
least he is by my side
before nightfall

he is a thing of
paleness and impatience,
I am a woman who works
the dead into shapes
that speak

we both seek answers
but know they will not
be found in the arms of
each other

yet still,
our hearts beat
as one

I take tea in the afternoon
as I wait to hear his foot -
falls approaching

I am on
edge until they
kiss my ears in their
heavy booted sound

I add sugar cubes
distractedly, as my
mouth adjusts to
the taste of him

a heaviness on my
lips, upon my neck,
the scratch of a scarf
that looks softer

I imagine the scratch
of a vampire fang to be
worse, and breathe in and
out my prayers that at
least he is by my side
before nightfall

he is a thing of
paleness and impatience,
I am a woman who works
the dead into shapes
that speak

we both seek answers
but know they will not
be found in the arms of
each other

yet still,
our hearts beat
as one

Like a blade of steel
is my shame

for those words said
throat wet with whiskey

tongue dancing out
a pattern of pain

to rip into your chest

at the end of the day
it was my fault

I live with the regret
of losing you

over a careless,
drunken slip

and sometimes I feel like
that blade of shame

will pierce my heart
and **** me

and I’d deserve it

He didn't force me, I walked into that house willingly. Eager steps to escape the row of cars, the buzz of people.

I kissed him. Sweet cannabis stained tongue. I took his mouth into mine and held it, like a breath underwater.

I chose my own drinks, paid for them myself. Counted coins and pinned my hopes on you and your fake ID.

I remember it well. No force. No bait. The chatter of strangers in a cramped kitchen as I tried to sleep.

I left the door unlocked. Would anyone? Footsteps on soft carpet, quietly caught me, unawares.

Hands and tongues carve scars into my body. The kind that don't turn silver and fade. A permanent reminder of Hell.

Something changed within me that night. A new found fear. Sudden terror at an innocent touch. The people, too loud. The sun, too bright.

Scrutinising me. Judging me. Burning me down to the bone.

I am terrified of being

cut loose

I long to rip open the seams of my wound

and bleed, bitterly

***** stained breath
and the ruin of my family’s name

in the gaps of my bared

teeth

You told me once that everyone
has a heart that

bleeds

yet, if you’re lucky,
you will find arms that wrap around you

acting like tourniquets

to stem the flow, so that you do not bleed

to death

bleeding ink from my fingers
I try to paint a picture with words
clumsy and heavy
the letters swim
and change
I smoke ten cigarettes
in an hour
desperate to tease some kind
of creativity from my mind
but the ink runs dry,
and all that is left
is a black handprint on the page,
the result of pressing down too hard,
trying to put my pain to paper

There's a spot on your neck that I
love

a swollen redness that promises
adventure

an imperfection that teases as it
dances

I stare and stare, fingers itching to
touch

I reach out, palms sweating and
trembling

it feels nothing like I imagined and
yet

at the same time
everything

In the dark
we touch
souls

not knowing
if we exist
at all

God, I am not yet dead,
merely bleeding

from the corners of my mouth

a trickle of red wine,
stained chin

my body is not yet stiff,
it will still bend into the

arms of the right man.

I haven't eaten for days,
a stomach empty of substance

I contain nothing and yet
I am full

stretched skin, silver lines of
greed.

I asked for it, with my wondering hands,

the touch of a soft girl, folding
into my thighs like a castle of

cards. I have sinned beyond
forgiveness and I have nothing

to say. Remorseless, a cold
heart that is shaped like a fist,

a flash of coffee coated teeth
biting into an apple of flesh

God, I am not dead

(yet)

but you can no longer see me

We were the graveyard girls
gorging on lost souls and bones

But our highest prize….

…we wanted to taste Death.

To bite into his flesh, and hallucinate his prey,
to let his blood trickle on our tongues, red as a brilliant, untouched ruby

We wanted to see if it would -
by some twist of supernatural law - make us immortal

(or infamous)

Blood woman -

take your hands off my throat

for lack of breath

is a side effect

of wanting you

and I can’t breathe

for trying to tell you

that this lust is

killing me

I have plucked the ***** roots
of my past, covered in black earth
and dead leaves

and replanted them somewhere
plentiful and green, where gentle
flowers may tentatively start
to bloom

In your arms

feelings I never dared

dream

your hands

the roots of the Earth

that I plant the seeds

of my lips alongside

and water with kisses

and watch them entwine

and grow

into the blossom of Spring

I walked with you,

feet stomping through muddy ground
stepping over fallen branches
that we forged into shapes

out of the bluebells
I heard your voice say

this is a moment
treasure it

For him, love
was a river of
blue veins running
like rivers under
her skin

I let you fold
into the creases
of my skin

like a balm
that softens
down to the
sixth layer

my fingers run
smooth upon
it

there are no Braille
letters to read

secrets from

I remember the way
I used to itch
before you

the passionless redness
of angry cells, desperate
yet unable to burst

now, your fingerprints
burn bright

upon me

and each freckle I
previously hated

is another reminder
of your

touch

Does my body not
frighten you?

the scars that run from
elbow to wrist. The pieces
of memory that vanished
with the flick of a Bic
lighter

my solidness. Like a rock
gathering moss, weather
beaten to look at,
rough to the touch

my thighs that have
greeted Lucifer, the firm
push of his hands.
Spreading, swallowing
the dessert, sand sticking
to the back of my
chipped teeth

my eyes, robbed blindly
of innocence. A storm
cloud swirling, frequent
showers of rain that
soak my cheeks

my mouth, that has
tasted strawberries, picked
fresh and kneaded into
a pulp

my knees, bent praying
at my bedside. For forgiveness,
for freedom, for tomorrow's
fling

does my body not
frighten you?

lacking heart, rotting flesh,
the deepest pores of
regret

you
with your passionless
kisses and empty
promises

are the
reason why I stand her
at nearly thirty, empty
and aching

with my
back bent like a cigarette, crushed

under
the weight of a heavy boot

feeling
nothing but the air on my skin and the

way
it burns like a bomb
exploding

These are the bones
he buried around my
bed

the fibula's of former
lovers, fractured to form
frames

to fit the shape of us

You’re in my bones, you know
the calcium that strengthens me

stops my heart from breaking
into a million pieces

that turn to dust
blown into the night sky
to pollinate with the stars

I close my eyes and you are there
my night time phantom

that in the morning becomes
flesh and bone

some women weep over
the men that have wronged them

but I -
I am fire

burning hearts until they are nothing but
ash -

like memories, a million microscopic bits of
dust -

I do not weep, for I am flames
warming love that has cooled

a Phoenix -
rising from love that has turned bitter

I do not weep for wrongdoings
for none have done me wrong

only given me the chance to be born again

There is a part of me
so hidden, that a gentle
coaxing of a finger
is as meaningless to it
as a single stone that falls
in a storm

in its silence,
I grow,
weaker

I am shattered, like glass
surrounded now
with splinters

after all these years, I am
still trying to wash it
away

the constant splashing
of water on my
face

does nothing to cool it

hipbones echoing,
hollow and
weak

the taste of his lips
on my lips
has lingered

like a secret,
I drink it, deep
down into my
throat

consuming me

(and only me)

One by one
our memories
will become
boxed photographs
and these colours
will fade like
stars, disappearing
at daybreak

my skin singes
with the love you
left

a bitter burning
that will leave me
forever branded

Stars are pinpricks reflecting
our footprints on the Earth,
in the sky, you can draw rings around them,
lines between them,
to see how you came to stand in one spot,
the route you took to get there,
unlike footprints, they can pass,
unseen on a cloudy night,
you can walk the sky, invisible,
not leaving a single breadcrumb behind you,
you can trick yourself that you will
never be found, but you will,

for pinpricks or footprints,
they always lead home

(whether we want them to or not...)

Breakfast is the hardest meal,

silver spoons scraping China bowls

coffee, black, sugared
swirling down into my ragged stomach

I want to burn down this kitchen
with it's stove and kettle that
unsettle me

floorboards scorched with my hot feet, a thin grey dressing gown that hangs

limply around my limbs

I want to sit at the breakfast table and scornfully scratch hearts into the wood

there is no love here

only bowls and spoons
kettles and stoves

I sit at a wooden table
with four chairs
(One only has three legs)
the trickle of rain seeping
through the broken window
grows into the cascade of
a waterfall, in my mind

food is being shared out
plump strawberries that smell
like summer, and fresh bread
that makes me cry
with the thought of the effort
that went into making it

I sit waiting for the conversation
to start
the conversation I have waited
years to start
I’m not even scared anymore
I have my tribe
If they disown me
I can cope, practically

My partner squeezes my hand
she’s been here before
The morning chatter is coming
to an end
I don’t have long
I just have to say it
To be honest, it amazes me
that they can’t ******* SEE it
But ****, it’s over
They all walk out around me
Leaving us sitting there
hands clasped together
Maybe together is all we have

in the end, my darling

we are just one breath away
from drowning

sea **** tangling
like ropes around
our arms

waves washing over us
until only our bones
remain

we are just one breathe away
from drowning

and everybody loves the ocean

I do not trust the air
that I breathe,

a trick of God, made to make
me believe in

life

but I am dead, and I stare
blankly,

a dead stare,

through these rusty bars
that shatter like ribs around
my shaking heart

I dare not -

breathe

they say the things you lose
come back to you, one day

but I lost them for a reason,
shed my skin like a snake

and if those things find me, again

I’ll ******* burn those bridges
remorselessly, again

I do not wish to break a heart -
I wish to destroy one,

to damage one so badly that it will never
beat again,

to bruise one so completely that it will never
look red again,

to snap its veins and arteries until they are
a jumbled bag of nerves,

to kick it at its centre and make it bleed
rivers of hot blood,

I am not cruel, or evil, or even angry,
I merely generously want to share
this ******* feeling

I have burns
on my hands
from touching
you

as the blisters
burst

I feel you
eradicate
my fingerprints

and

(again)

I

become

nothing...

Your love is enough
to shatter the cage
of my past

deep roots
that have set
like stone around
my bones

your kiss
transforming me
into a butterfly

and even if
I only live
for one day

your love is enough
to send me skipping
gratefull,  gracefully

to my grave

You tried to clip my wings,
pin me through the spine
like a prize butterfly

but I learnt how to fly
and say goodbye

to you

a gun -
shot wound
to the heart

breathe - just
******* breathe

he won't lie
still, and the
red pool reaches
nearer

reaching like a
hand towards
me

at my feet

I stare at it
and remember
laughing

we didn't laugh often

I'm not like
that

but we would succumb
occasionally

I remember the feel
of his hair - the
way the roots
felt as I brushed
from them with
my fingers

my fingers remember
the touch of his
coat

the scratchy,
uncomfortable
fabric

why did he wear
the ******* thing?

the scarlet stain
has reached my toes
now

I fight the urge
to place my hand
in his

I need to focus
He needs to -

focus

please, just listen
to my voice

put your heartbeat
into it

into me

control

control

control

he is becoming
heart -
less

why has he
chosen me
to save him?

twice now

he says I matter
the most but it's
*******

he doesn't want me
he wants my
skills

to find a body
and fake
it

to wait years
no - two years
in silence so heavy
I feel like my lungs
have collapsed

and now to pull him
through - back through
the cavity in his chest

to force the blood
back into his breaking
body

whilst my hands
shake with fear

night terrors

and the shape of
his face as I
drag him

(back to life)

by the roots of
his hair

a gun -
shot wound
to the heart

breathe - just
******* breathe

he won't lie
still and the
red pool reaches
nearer

reaching like a
hand towards
me

at my feet

I stare at it
and remember
laughing

we didn't laugh often

I'm not like
that

but we would succumb
occasionally

I remember the feel
of his hair - the
way the roots
felt as I brushed
from them with
my fingers

my fingers remember
the touch of his
coat

the scratchy,
uncimfortable
fabric

why did he wear
the ******* thing?

the scarlet stain
has reached my toes
now

I fight the urge
to place my hand
in his

I need to focus
He needs to -

focus

please, just listen
to my voice

put your heartbeat
into it

into me

control

control

control

he is becoming
heart -
less

why has he
choosen me
to save him?

twice now

he says I matter
the most but it's
*******

he doesn't want me
he wants my
skills

to find a body
and fake
it

to wait years
no - two years
in silence so heavy
I feel like my lungs
have collapsed

and now to pull him
through - back through
the cavity in his chest

to force the blood
back into his breaking
body

whilst my hands
shake with fear

night terrors

and the shape of
his face as I
dragged him

(back to life)

by the roots of
his hair

You are hoping the rain will stop, as we wonder ideally across the sand dunes

a cliff to climb, a sea to swim in, a beach to build sand castles

and claim with a flag.

I have stopped hoping for it.

I surrender to the summer rain splashing my shoes,

to the sky that darkens through the lens of my camera

a macro shot of a crab, pinched and poised to

attack.

we think in lumps of time, all of us. Great lumps of time

defined by birthdays and religion.

Winter whispers in our ears, a whiff of cinnamon

in the air.

and though you hope to hold it back, with your fingers in the dam

I tell you, again, that we are not ruled by

the sea

In a cage
sits a bird
whose wing
is broken

yet it’s heart
is whole
and it’s
song heavy

with sweet melodies
and soft tones
of longing

It is the song of freedom

that it sings despite
never knowing
and never hoping
to see

Imagine,
old bones

fed with milk
and memories

breaking

turning
into
dust

scattering
like ashes

falling like
the petals
pulled off
a flower
in Spring

I know that
I will be him

with songs
playing on
the canvas
Of my skull

counting down
days like
pennies

the worthless copper
in their pockets

the tips that
no-one would
take

I wrapped myself,
tight. Wired myself
to the fabric of time

became invisible.

I never knew why
the Earth started to spin
away from me

so I blended myself
into the background
and waited

patiently

for it to stop

I wrapped myself,
tight. Wired myself
to the fabric of time

became invisible.

I never knew why
the Earth started to spin
away from me

so I blended myself
into the background
and waited

patiently

for it to stop

we are a candle in the dark
too dull to light up our path
but warm enough to set a
fire in our hearts

Can it not be enough
for your skin to tingle,

when it gets too close
to the open fire you are
curled in front of,

reading books that take
you to places that even
your dreams don't reach...

To exist in a moment of
contentment without waiting,
wanting, wishing for
the next one..

by the skill
of your hand
(a gentle stitch)
my heart wrapped
itself around
you,
we became
entwined entities
of flesh and thread,

I soaked my feet
in the waters
that your eyes
bled,
become one
with your sorrow,
turning it into
art,

we healed by the drugless needle,
we healed by the broken thread,
we healed upon the canvas
of the love

I  am covered
by the loose threads
of time

pulling at
the stitches
of memory

until all that’s
left are the frayed
edges of moments

lost

but I hold
a needle, and
can sew these
torn threads
back into the canvas

of my life, patchwork
with experiences and
memories

a whole picture, a life

complete

we are the dancing shadows on your wall

birthed by the moon

voiceless, we sing for our hearts

captivity

rocks and bones, sticks and stones

a cage that shackles love

fearful of its infinite strength to heal

sun and moon, light and day

we break free

we are stardust

choking the throats of the unbelievers

By profession,
I am good at
waiting

I am used to
the cruelty
of human upon
human

wounds of wars
and words

delicate deceits that
brush lips with skin
and skin with finger -
prints

like him, I look at bodies
and see stories
I see bruises and scars
that conceal secrets

I can read crimes
as clearly as if
they were written
in blood across
the scene

this game should be
beneath us

he is cruel
and offers a
chance, smaller
than anything
I’ve seen on a
microscope slide

but still, breathing
existing, taunting

leaving me breathless
and broken

it squeezes my
heart as if the
blood inside is
a poison that
needs extracting

my once logical
mind quivers
under his kiss

and empties

he is the ****
that grows beneath a flower
until it is too wild
to ****

By profession,
I am good at
waiting

I am used to
the cruelty
of human upon
human

wounds of wars
and words

delicate deceits that
brush lips with skin
and skin with finger -
prints

like him, I look at bodies
and see stories
I see bruises and scars
that conceal secrets

I can read crimes
as clearly as if
they were written
in blood across
the scene

this game should be
beneath us

he is cruel
and offers a
chance, smaller
than anything
I’ve seen on a
microscope slide

but still, breathing
existing, taunting

leaving me breathless
and broken

it squeezes my
heart as if the
blood inside is
a poison that
needs extracting

my once logical
mind quivers
under his kiss

and empties

he is the ****
that grows beneath a flower
until it is too wild
to ****

Your fist opens
like a spray carnation

I pick at its pink petals
teasing it to take my fingers
and weave them between yours

for us to hold hands
as the sun beams down on us

burning the flowers to dirt
offering them back to the Earth