I watch you drown,
knowing that I could be
your anchor

I watch you sleep,
knowing that I could be
your nightmare

I watch you

I watch you

out of the corner of my eye,
I smile all the time

hoping you will never see,
the dark heart the lives

in me

the smell of your cigarettes
lingers on my clothes

I have tried to overpower it
with expensive perfume

(that I could not really afford)

but always, it is there in the fibres
of my jeans

stubbornly refusing to be
erased

I'm writing this
on the back of
a bank statement

it's from our joint account
and, circumstances without,
I smile slightly at the thought
that I was ever close enough to
someone to share names on
an envelope

the money doesn't matter,
we are none without our vices,
little human weaknesses
that creep through and climb
the tallest if walls

I drew out note every morning
from the ATM on the corner,
to buy cigarettes and chocolate

often, I'd ingest them together
like a double dose of Aspirin,
a double shot of whiskey

slightly reckless but
essentially harmless

The smoke would coat
my throat, the sugar
settling like a layer
of film

I know, it sounds disgusting
so, shall we talk about you?

I'm almost disappointed
by the banality of it all
fake names, hotel rooms
and guilty ***

I'd known about those pitfalls
since childhood but I still
married you thinking you were
different, original

If you had to leave I wanted
a storm. That you would
fling a fist towards the sky
and declared your hatred of me
your boredom, your lack of love
for me

and I'd spill my own guts,
violently, coughing up my
own bile for you

but no

I'm running out of space
now, and I'm scrawling ink
over our branch name
and sort code. The paper
constricting, closing,
pressing me for an
ending

I'm writing this
on the back of
a bank statement

it's from our joint account
and, circumstances without,
I smile slightly at the thought
that I was ever close enough to
someone to share names on
an envelope

the money doesn't matter,
we are none without our vices,
little human weaknesses
that creep through and climb
the tallest if walls

I drew out note every morning
from the ATM on the corner,
to buy cigarettes and chocolate

often, I'd ingest them together
like a double dose of Aspirin,
a double shot of whiskey

slightly reckless but
essentially harmless

The smoke would coat
my throat, the sugar
settling like a layer
of film

I know, it sounds disgusting
so, shall we talk about you?

I'm almost disappointed
by the banality of it all
fake names, hotel rooms
and guilty ***

I'd known about those pitfalls
since childhood but I still
married you thinking you were
different, original

If you had to leave I wanted
a storm. That you would
fling a fist towards the sky
and declared your hatred of me
your boredom, your lack of love
for me

and I'd spill my own guts,
violently, coughing up my
own bile for you

but no

I'm running out of space
now, and I'm scrawling ink
over our branch name
and sort code. The paper
constricting, closing,
pressing me for an
ending

I have put my faith
in men of your kind
all my life

deluded into thinking
my sanctuary lay in
being cradled by your arms

only to have my heart
ripped open, as a child
might tear off the petals
of a rose

as thoughtlessly
and gleefully

as I lay scattered across the floor,
bleeding a substance that is not blood,
but the very nectar of my soul

I make a vow to never again be
so recklessly in need of love
that I ignore my gut instinct

to run

and keep running

until I find sanctuary within myself,
until I become in tune with the beat of
my own heart, content with it's gentle rhythm,
to know that this is who I am, this is my purpose,
and this is who I need to stand for,

because when I am
at peace with myself
maybe I will see through
the likes of you

I wanted seven seconds
of silence, the stillness
of unturned pages and
leaves that are yet to
be crunched, underfoot

we ate with plastic knifes
and forks, food blending
into to the taste of it

no time exists here

at seventeen, we were
running, full of *****
we'd bought and wine
that we'd stolen from
cheap supermarkets

now we're here

where the days chase
us down like hungry
wolves and the air is
too heavy to smoke
through

we smoked a lot

and dragged the ash
from our dog ends
across your parents
new patio

into the shapes of
our names

I wanted you to call
for me in the morning
and sneak into my room
at night

I wanted us to be lovers,
the way that bare hands
feel under fesh sheets
and the taste of your
sweat on my lips

I wanted our bodies
to burst

to know fire and
tame it

your car hit something
solid as you fiddled,
one handed, between
the ribs of me

my wasp heart
tapping at the sides
of it's jar

I tasted blood for the
first time

beating against you

I wanted seven seconds
of silence, the stillness
of unturned pages and
leaves that are yet to
be crunched, underfoot

we ate with plastic knifes
and forks, food blending
into to the taste of it

no time exists here

at seventeen, we were
running, full of *****
we'd bought and wine
that we'd stolen from
cheap supermarkets

now we're here

where the days chase
us down like hungry
wolves and the air is
too heavy to smoke
through

we smoked a lot

and dragged the ash
from our dog ends
across your parents
new patio

into the shapes of
our names

I wanted you to call
for me in the morning
and sneak into my room
at night

I wanted us to be lovers,
the way that bare hands
feel under fesh sheets
and the taste of your
sweat on my lips

I wanted our bodies
to burst

to know fire and
tame it

your car hit something
solid as you fiddled,
one handed, between
the ribs of me

my wasp heart
tapping at the sides
of it's jar

I tasted blood for the
first time

beating against you

I want to write a poem
where every word is sacred
every letter wraps around the page
like a pair of arms, comforting
and warming,
I want to reach out like a hand
to save you from drowning
for the ink to spread into the
entire ocean,
infecting the crystal clear water with
uncomfortable metaphor,
just read, or listen, and I'll kiss you
gently on the forehead with a simile
to make your smile,
my words will set you free, my darling
just listen
just listen
just listen

there was heroism in your eyes

that night

as if you had taken the entire ocean
into your lungs

to be sure I did not drown

that you had breathed fire
from your throat

to keep me warm

that you had decoded the secrets
of the stars

just so we could take our place
amongst them

I loved you

with the waves of the ocean
and the flames of the fire

and my heart swelled to hold your hand
in the starlight

I
Did
Not
Know
That
Death
Was
It’s
To
Keep

this is goodbye

keep it.

keep it in
your heart
until it burns

keep it in your
mind until it wraps
around your every
waking thought

keep it close to
your skin
until it blisters
every last inch
of your flesh

keep it anywhere, my lover
my trickster, my fool

just keep it.

You may think I invited you in,
with my kind words
and a cheeky grin

that I accepted your drinks
and bought you ones in return

but when the alcohol wore off,
and I found myself in your house

how did I get here!?
and why can’t I leave?!

I must stay, as you press my back
into the sofa,
and I can’t breathe
unless I

swallow

when I run to the door
and fumble with the lock

as you stand behind me
and laugh, suddenly grab

me and drag me
into your bedroom

force me down on the bed,
cover my mouth as I scream

was it the grin?
asking for it!
did the grin deserve it?

my kind words were not an invitation
for you to destroy me like this

I imagine them ringing in your ears, justifying your actions

but my grin has faded
and if it ever was inviting
it’s vanished, now

I exist
without
your kiss

(barely)

head held
under water

heart beating
slowly

pumping
the minimum
of blood

that my brain
needs

to be able
to understand
your goodbye

and to tell
my lungs
to stop

(breathing)

In the fullness
of your kiss

I am

the taste of
honey licked
from teaspoons,

the feel of
clean sheets
on freshly
washed skin,

the smell of
cut grass that
sticks to the skin
of my back,

the sight of
mountains moving
as my fingers
draw their own
landscapes,

and the sound
of white waves
softly whispering
songs of the
ocean

You unhook me like
a fish, still shaking
and terrified of being
eaten

as you let me go
I feel the weight
of you

against me

my face turned
seeking not to
see you

I am the flesh
and bones of
you

the carcass that
lies motionless and
rotting

outside in

I have lingered on
the edges of this
lake, like a flower

or the decapitated head
of a child's doll,
no longer interested
in playing

You unhook me like
a fish, still shaking
and terrified of being
eaten

as you let me go
I feel the weight
of you

against me

my face turned
seeking not to
see you

I am the flesh
and bones of
you

the carcass that
lies motionless and
rotting

outside in

I have lingered on
the edges of this
lake, like a flower

or the decapitated head
of a child's doll,
no longer interested
in playing

With my eyes
I forge canyons,
deep rivers and wild
landscapes, mountains
that kiss the sky and
land locked lakes

I move, limb by
limb, away from the
sadness that haunts
me, with my feet
I map out my future,
with my fingers
I bury the past

I imagine
you finding me
amongst the rocks
I lay against their edges
as if I am a mermaid
with golden hair
instead a mortal girl
trapped, in a believable
body

when you reach me,
your spread me
like a plague
and the stones
beneath me
shall shake

afterwards, we are face
to face, staring into
the eyes of each
other, and in that
reflection we become
enemies

you leave me, wordless

my eyes now,
like a camera,
containing images
that never develop
into landscapes
of love

It's an echo of war

a battle no-one can
remember fighting

or winning

but we know that
we are the
losers

somehow

even if we can't
see it

Love is a language
my head cannot translate

I have studied it for years
and still I do not understand

phrases and words
that would make other peoples
hearts dance and sing

kisses on the cheek
seem alien and obscene

I know I am crushing
a part of myself through
my failure to grasp

what the person standing
before me is saying

their eyes wide and wet

but my throat is dry,
and I cannot hold a conversation

in this strange language they call love

My senses remember it
better than my
memory

and maybe it's the memory
of you that's lead me back
to this place. Where my skin
shakes like small coils of wire
shot with electricity

but it's a nervous,
nerve reflex and not proof
that I'm alive

my limbs hanging like
the branches of a
tree

a cool breeze
shuddering the
roots

I always felt new with
winter. Ice beneath
my feet. Itchy woollen
jumpers and the smell
of cinnamon

but you stole my seasons
the way you stole my
heart and now a cold
breeze sends me into
darkness

***** footprints on
dead ground. Black
coats and boots

and the smell of your
body, missing, and
the sound of my neck,
caressed by a white scarf,

breaking

My senses remember it
better than my
memory

and maybe it's the memory
of you that's lead me back
to this place. Where my skin
shakes like small coils of wire
shot with electricity

but it's a nervous,
nerve reflex and not proof
that I'm alive

my limbs hanging like
the branches of a
tree

a cool breeze
shuddering the
roots

I always felt new with
winter. Ice beneath
my feet. Itchy woollen
jumpers and the smell
of cinnamon

but you stole my seasons
the way you stole my
heart and now a cold
breeze sends me into
darkness

***** footprints on
dead ground. Black
coats and boots

and the smell of your
body, missing, and
the sound of my neck,
caressed by a white scarf,

breaking

We dive
headfirst

into the abyss
of each other’s

hearts

hoping to find a spark
that life can grow from

hoping the find fractures
of love

that we can build a home
from

but all is darkness and doubt
neither trusting the other as friend

they would rather implode
into nothingness

than take the leap of love’s
faith

We smoke cigarettes together
on cold beaches

smoke curling around our fingers
and hovering for a second
like a peace offering

the ocean is gigantic
and we cannot begin to
understand it
like we cannot begin
to understand our hearts

but they both beat
to the rhythm of
an almightier drum
and we will learn
what it means, in time, dear
we will learn

You said

“You will never love again.”

and I believed you, for years

I wasted my life

walking beaches alone
staring sadly out across the ocean
each grain of sand incapsulating my loneliness
each wave roaring along to my pain

but I learnt to see beauty in the solitude
and hear the stirring song of the sea

and I loved it,

with what bit of my heart wasn’t torn

I loved again

I was a lover of Autumn
all my life, but this year
I am dreading it

watching the leaves changing colour

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

from their branches, which are twisted
and decaying. The air thick with the
threat of Death

it will make me remember
God, will it make me think of

you

I belong to the State,
to these nurses who force milk soaked bread into my mouth

to these slaves who stuff trains
with beaten bodies, on to doctors who amputate without anaesthetic

to hard labour and hunger.

my blonde haired mother carried me
in her ayrian womb

Illegitimate.

some are kidnapped, blue eyes
running with tears as they

grab (carefully)

I am banging, bending, breaking
under the weight of their promise that

I am special

and I am proving my right to exist

to be spared
sterilisation, extermination ,
to not be a genetic undesirable
a gas chamber child

no, I am free
to sleep, to eat,
to breathe

allowed to live
because I am a
Lebensborn child

I have walked these shores,
until sand buried itself into the soles of my feet

like a parasite,

and you -
the reason for my nightly barefoot wanderings,

nested in my ear, too,
with all your whispers of “I love you”

a leech, ******* out my impurities,
but at the same time, the very blood and soul

of me

Your lips taste
of gin, the feel of
chipped teacups
and taste of
broken biscuits

but you are not
that seventy-something
really, despite the
paper-like skin that shows
the blue train tracks
feeding your heart

I am hoping that it
cracks, like a
chemical burn,
I want to hear
the skin splitting,
spitting out the
lemon juice of
your jeers

your eyes are
my mirror, black
and loveless

stinging, still
with lemon
pips

We are born without teeth
yet, instinctively bite
peach lips forming circles
around fingers,

I remember the first bite,
he was pale and wore dusty
jeans. He came into my
bedroom, offering wine
he had laced with crushed
pills, unknowing that
to me his skin was laced
with ecstasy

the numbers mount up
in the same way they
fade, days disappearing
when a calendar turns,

memories are meant to
etch themselves into
our bones, but I  realised
that it was blood, blood
that preserved our former
selves, each drop a day,
each mouthful a moment,

they think I bite out of
spite, out of fury and
rage

but I am merely a collector
of moments that do not
belong to me, a predator
of the passage of time

I am gluttonous, I admit
but feeding on men that
prey on women does not
seem like greed,

I remember....
the night I was bitten.
He was tall and tattooed,
I liked his shoes,

***** flowing like water,
clear, crystal water
purifying (I thought)
until it hit my brain
paralysing all thought
and then...

Hell moved inside me,
a self-gratifying demon,
inked with a dragon,
as gunless as I
was Godless

I bite these men now,
these haters of women,
who **** and drink and dare
to slip a finger in,

I am reflection -
less and yet I know
what a mirror would show
about me,

the exit left of the battered
woman, who dared to change
her set, her scenery, her script

no, I am not ashamed of the
blood I take, but I am not
an animal who kills
for sport, for fun, for food

I am vengeful, I am every woman
sick of settling for less,
I am that woman you pitied
then despised,

I am that ******* a cold
bedroom floor, reborn

with fangs

I hope I can be the one to let go
if love decides to let go of me

not cling to broken threads

like a desperate dancer
trying to correct their misstep

I hope I am graceful enough
to let the last embers of love
slip through my fingers, like ash

knowing that things can rise
out of ashes

like phoenixes

or flame haired
women of fire

Bite through my dark
lips, taste the cherry (red)
that sits there like
an invitation

kiss me like you
used to kiss me,
forget the ghosts
that now lay
between us

the boxes full
of bones, tongue
the ulcers, unafraid
to leave traces,
traces of cells

hold my mouth
in your mouth,
just for tonight

and let the skeletons
settle and sleep
in your arms

Our love bred nothing but deceit

an endless line of lies

heirs to untruths and fictions

it runs in the family

this passion for deception

this ache to mislead

we beg an audience for our falsehoods

for they are nothing if they go unappreciated

these frantic fabrications

You hold lies in your hands, like aces

they grow like Chrysanthemums

a word that you learnt to spell, at school

scarred on your memory like a bad trip  

pass me a card,

and I will feed and water it

tend to it daily

in hopes that it may just bloom

into something beautiful

I taste the black plum of your heart

I get drunk off the juice of your

lifeblood

lips stained purple as we kiss

sweet and warm and deep

as wild and wicked and the seas

I fear I am now sailing

there is no going back, now

the skin of you is in my teeth

and there is nothing but chaos ahead

yet I will ride it, my darling

I will clutch your hand like no one has before

and steer this ship to land

You see me
and think
I am alive,
hair, bones
and teeth
heart swelling,
shrinking, pulsing
blood

but kiss me
and you will
taste death,
lingering like
icing sugar
on my blistered
blue lips

I am a mermaid

singing a siren song
to bring you home

what could be greater
than a reunion

between the lull
of lapping waves

and a life ever after

in the mysterious ocean

Sun shines bright
Like fire -
Light fights darkness

light slips through a crack
and for a moment I believe
that there is hope

until it is eclipsed by night
and I revert back to believing
in nothing

You look after
my heart, he said
on fearful, fitful
nights, spent waiting,
gazing between
bars of light

You are a lighthouse
leading me to shore

when the ocean tries
to consume me

you reach out your hand
and pull me up above

the waves

we will sit in the sand
building castles like children

a thousand pieces of glass
shattered but rebuilt

into palaces that we
can one day call home

like Alice,

we seek to find keys to rooms
that we do not know what mysteries lie behind

to mould ourselves to fit the openings
of terrors and temptations

to contort ourselves into a place
of ecstasy and enlightenment

can there really be anything more thrilling in live

that standing in front of a lock
hands shaking in anticipation,
not knowing how you will open it
but swearing to yourself that you will find a way

because one day,
one way, one lock, one key, one door

might lead you home

Twig by twig
we built our home
like birds

in the winter
we froze
together in a
raindrop

our faces
suspended forever
inside a tear

branches sway
in the breeze and
we fight

to remain

here

in the air

where we can
refrigerate
our hearts

pretending not to
feel the wind
ripping our skin
apart

and the rot
that grows
in the cracks

a thousand lovers
before us

have walked this path
of passion

that melts on our skin
like ice

wilting in the sun
like a  dried up flower

the words that pass
between our lips

are not unique

but still they shatter silences
rolling like a thundercloud

across the sky of
our indifference

to the fact that we
are not special

no, we are so much more
than that

reborn and learning
how to live

in the arms of
each other

we're content to be
a cliche

if the centre of it
roars red

like fire

if the heart of it
beats out to the rhyme

of love

I was like thunder
roaring for a lover,

a kiss on the base of
my neck, a muzzled
breath.

The room spins,
a gutfull of red wine,
an open window, blinds
billowing in the wind.

You tamed me, my wild
soul, roaming for a
home.

A memory stirs at your
touch, hands slipping
under shirts.

It was hunger that
carried me,

a longing for flesh
and bones grinding,
quilt covers rising.

I am the eye of the storm,
silencing as your mouth
swallows mine and I rise

to meet you, flames
consuming my
heart.

My body is uncharted territory
(You wish)
A map that teases - taunts
(He said)
The road to Armageddon is paved
(With love, my dear)
The touch of an unpainted nail
(Scratched into my back)
You are mine, now
(Unpin your dress, my dear)
The Holy man slides into me
(I sing a psalm to calm him)
Thrusts and moves
(Blood, deep red, flows)
Kisses me with whiskey lips
(The wrinkles around his eyes)
Exit, stage left, you breathe again
(Ssssh, be quiet my dear)
Unconvinced ears, hostile eyes
(I am real)
Birthing women turn their backs
(See me)
Virgins untrap their wings
(Believe me)

Like the desert,
your heart lives in a state of extremes

my fingers burn as I touch it, in daylight
and freeze, at night

I cannot live in its contrasting shades of heat
unstable and frantic

I have tried to tame the polarities of love

but was left broken hearted

myself

They brought you back from the lake
draped in lilies

their scent so strong I thought I might pass out
and relish in a few brief moments of serenity

before the grief hits me like I’ve ran
into a cliff face

you no longer have to pray for
snatched moments
of peace

for you have stolen a lifetime
of tranquility
from me

I still think of London
every day

those bright and ***** streets

where we held hands
and kissed

stories concealed in concrete

fairytale end seekers

we were no different

but what’s the point in dreaming
and wanderlusting

over city that is now dead
to me

It's a romantic city
(apparently) but
for me it's

the wet London streets
I walk to reach you

stale milk in coffee
shop teas, sugar spoons left
on greasy table tops

the drizzle of rain
relentlessly beating

the orange lights of
taxis, magnified
in the droplets

***** staircases that take
me underground

the songs talk of
Waterloo Bridges
and sunsets

that bounce off the
Thames, as if the water
is polished glass

but I sat there one night
crying, my heart breaking
over South Bank

and the sunlight was never the same

give me battered books
piled dangerously in doorways

dusty corners of theatres

and the rain

London, I turn to your fearless  face. A face that remembers fires and plagues. Blazing flames that I now wrap around myself to keep warm. As I walk, hand in hand with the river. I  taste the smoke of my cigarette, blown back into my face. I hold onto your size, your shape moulding into my soul. I take all of you into the cracks of my skin. Streets buzzing like an open wire. A cackle of noise that blurs into the background yet remains coloured. In your neon bright arms, I have built myself a home.