i'd rather you tell me
those sickly sweet three words
as an april fools joke
than never hear them at all
and i think
that makes me pathetic and weak
but god,
i've never loved anyone
as much as i love you

When I was a little girl
And my mother still laid out clothes for me
She'd always tell me
"You're the prettiest girl in your class,
But you'd be beautiful if you combed your hair more."

When I was a bit older
And I didn't care much
About what I wore
My mom would always say
"You'd be beautiful if your clothes matched."

When I was 14,
And I skipped breakfast and lunch
And binged at dinner
I lost my appetite
And felt like throwing up
When my mom said
"You'd be beautiful if you didn't eat so much."

I wonder if you saw what I did to myself
If you'd have the nerve to tell me
"You'd be beautiful if only you didn't
Take a razor to your wrist or a finger to your throat."

Thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what it is like to love someone and hate that same person at the same ******* time.
Thank you for causing me to sit on my bathroom floor and cry so much that I wish I would just ******* drown.
Thank you for making me feel alive. I felt things for you that I had never felt about any other person before. The thought of losing you kept me awake at night.
Thank you for being the reason that reality was finally much better than my dreams.
Thank you for cancelling our plans so many times that I found out the true meaning of unreliability.
Thank you for showing me that even perfect people have flaws, the cracks in your apologies showed me that even if I didn’t say, “It’s fine,” you wouldn’t have made any effort to fix what you did anyway.
Thank you for showing me what it’s like to give forgiveness and wish I never had, you got away lightly with every ******* thing you did wrong, I wish I had screamed at you so hard about how much you made my heart hurt but I still wouldn’t be able to leave.
Thank you for pulling me in with your false words, “You’re too nice.” I never knew that someone could be “Too nice.” Maybe you just couldn’t handle someone who didn’t have the courage to speak up, I’m sorry you couldn’t read minds.
Thank you for walking past me today, you kept your head down as if you had never stayed up late on the phone to me while you talked about how beautiful our future would be.
Thank you for holding my hand and then never coming near me again, I now know what it’s like to crave something so much it feels like if you don’t have it again you will suffocate.
Thank you for fooling your friends into thinking that you rarely knew me when really I know you more than they do.
I know your secrets, I know how you hate your dad, I know your favorite songs, I know about how you've seen way more than you should of , I know the real you. Don’t act like I don’t exist, a smile or an nod of acknowledgement would be enough to make me feel like this whole experience wasn’t a complete waste of my time. I guess I’m just a new addition to your list of strangers who you think don’t understand, but I know you.

I have forgotten how to
live a life without you
I cant remember a before
and I didn't even
imagine an after
I thought breathing
when I was with you
was difficult
but without you
I am on the verge
of suffocation