I'm gonna feel broken when I have you,
I keep thinking.
You're gonna break my spirit, crush it
in your chubby hands.
I won't ever love you because I can
hardly love anything.
I don't think that just because you grew
in me I will love you more.
I'm gonna be bad for you. You won't
have any fun because I will mold you
after me.
And then I'll hate you.
Because I hate me.

I only get three billion beats.
I think I'll die young;
You make my heart race.

EYES
two three four
RIGHT
two three four
The commands still fresh in my head
     we piled on the bus before dawn.
On the way to the airport I took off my
     glasses and put in contact lenses that
     had been sitting in a closet for eight weeks.
It felt good to look like myself again.

I would never be myself again.

I saw the sun rise in Phoenix, dawning
     on my new life. Warm March morning
     seeping through terminal windows
     waiting for our connecting flight. We
     paced in anticipation.

Pacing. Pacing. Pacing. Waiting. Boarding.

Landing.

Surrounded by smiling, welcoming faces
     and yet instantly alone. I had too many
     bags and had to carry them up three flights
     of stairs by myself. It was late. I didn't
     make my bed in the morning.

I got yelled at.

I was instantly alone.
In this shining bright dawn on a brand new
     age sun warm on my face fog cool on
     my skin

I was instantly violently terrifyingly alone.
And I would never be myself again.

All I wanted was a cigarette.
We weren't allowed to smoke.
He knew where to go.

We swept sidewalks together.
Raked sand together.
Talked about life together.

His window was across from mine.
I think he saw me changing once.
Maybe more than once.

He was getting dishonorably discharged.
I didn't think he was a good man.
I didn't think he was a bad one, either.

It had been two weeks since I landed in Monterey.
I only wanted a cigarette.
He knew where to go.

I bought the Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin.
He carried them with him to his room.
I didn't think anything of it.

We raked sand together.
We ate lunch together.
We watched movies together.

We sat on a makeshift bench by the ditch by the installation fence.
We drank and smoked and laughed.
I taught him Farsi and he taught me Russian.

Russian for "hello" and "goodbye."
Russian for "This is allowed."
Russian for "This is not allowed."

I think he saw me changing once.
He tried to kiss me on the cheek.
I told him no, my boyfriend wouldn't like that very much.

We smoked some more.
We drank some more.
We laughed some more.

It was 2130.
I had to be in my room by 2200.
He said not to worry, I'd be back in time.

I insisted and tried to leave.
I fell to the ground.
He didn't help me up.

I only wanted a cigarette.
He kissed me on the mouth.
I did not kiss him back.

I was immobile.
Paralyzed.
Drugged?

He kissed me again.
And again.
And again.

I did not kiss him back.
I had a boyfriend.
All I wanted was to smoke and drink and laugh.

He grabbed me by the ankles.
Pulled me over the ditch behind the army barracks by the installation fence.
I could hear soldiers coming back to their rooms.

I was paralyzed.
I always thought I would fight.
Fend him off with car keys stuffed between my fingers.

I looked up at the tree branches above me, my watch said 2147.
That was the last time I prayed to God.
There were leaves in my hair and dirt on my arms.

There was something less than a man between my legs.
It looked at me with hate in its eyes.
We swept sidewalks together.

God kicked back and swigged a PBR
     while I was ***** behind the army barracks,
     over the ditch by the installation fence.

He helped me up.
I couldn't stand on my own.
How sweet.

I vomited by a tree.
I was disgusted with myself and him and God.
I wanted to drown in Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin.

He walked me to my barracks building.
How sweet.
I made it to my room by 2200.

All the girls watched me stumble down the hallway.
I was so violently alone.
Taps wailed outside the window.

I left my hat by the bench by the ditch by the installation fence.
He brought it to me the next morning.
How sweet.

What would happen if when you came home.
I was sprawled on the floor.
With a bottle of pills in my stomach.
or
With a rope tightened around my throat.
or perhaps
Wrists cut deep,
Thick red all over your nice clean floor.
Because that would be your biggest concern.
Your freshly cleaned floor

**I hope it stains.

I fell in love on a black sand beach
with boiling sand beneath my toes
and a sticky wet breeze at my neck.

Your smile, so wide,
filled my heart, one tooth at a time.

Night swimming, tasting the hot rain,
wanting to taste each other.
An innocence, and a carnal lust.

The sky broke into loud bright lights,
the electricity between us.

Seeing you was seeing myself.
Laughing with you was laughing at myself.
Never have I felt so free.

Bread and water and you,
I was satisfied to the core of my existence.  
With you I was alive.

A look between our mirror eyes,
your touch on my sun-ignited skin.
Passion.

Your ancient soul in a child body.
I loved you
but the ocean we loved in keeps us apart.

Nothing's worse than this stupid self hate
Meaningless self harm brings no tears to my eyes
The only one who could hurt me was you
You hurt me soon enough, which was no surprise

Over time
I built the box
wall by wall
day by day
composed of dreams
and desires
ideals, beliefs, and goals

Over time
it kept me safe
and where I wanted to be
within the boundaries
of what I wanted
pushing me to succeed
keeping me in line

Over time
it became a prison
trapping me in, not letting me out
leaving no room for growth
no room to move
to change, improve,
or to fail

Over time
I took it down
wall by wall
day by day
removed of dreams
and desires
ideals, beliefs, and goals

Over time
replaced by the openness
of being whatever I want to be
able to let things go
and to make mistakes
for to err is to be human
and with that I was set free

because i miss you.

i miss you so much.
i miss your hands
the hands i used to write poetry about

before i started feeling empty again.


and now i feel alive, but it hurts so bad.


and i want to be near you
and smell your scent
and rub my face against your chest

and feel the skin on your back
against the palms of my hands


and your lips against mine


and that's why i don't want you to read this.

because it means that i'm wrong
and scared
and weak.


but if you read this
you would look at me and tell me that i'm beautiful and strong



and i would just keep being angry at myself.




i just want to stop missing you.
please don't read this.



i miss you.