meet me in the parking lot
neither of us are dead
even though we pretend to be
pretending is what we do best
apart from blurry 2AM mischief
-lxs

He has me in his clutches.
I am a puppet under his orchestration.
He controls every move, every breath, every plan, every everything.
I am not myself, only an extension of his will.
And I love it, because being in his clutches is the closest I will ever get to him.

His hand was in mine,
and mine in his.
His eyes were on mine,
and mine on his.
With every grip my body tensed.
My heart floating and my feet barely touching the ground.
We were smiling,
maybe even laughing.
It was the happiest I have felt
in a really, really long time.
Then I woke up, shaking,
and immediately tried to return to my happiness.

I can't have any slip ups.
One slip up,
one momentary lapse of judgement,
one word that deep down I wish I could say,
but deeper down I know I shouldn't.
And it's over
My credibility, my reputation, my stability,
my sanity.
They will all be gone.
And no matter how much my heart lies, I must believe my brain.
It wouldn't be worth it.

I don't remember the last time I've cried.
I remember many times lying in bed
wishing I could cry.
If I could only cry,
I could prove to myself I'm still human.

i made the mistake
of turning you into my medicine
-lxs

it’s days like this
where i become nostalgic
for the things that were never
mine in the first place
-lxs

I want to touch him.
I want to feel him.
Even just a hug.
It is a hunger I have never felt before.
An irresistible desire to be close to him.

I don't know what to do.
I don't know who to talk to.
I just want to feel him.
I want to be close,
closer than I have ever been with anyone.

And I don't know why.
Come to think of it, I know so little about him.
I pretend I know him,
but I don't.
But I want to.
But I need to.