I go to bed and try to sleep,
remembering the millions of things
I am trying not to be.
and I know that in some ways
I will certainly fail.

And I will want to go places
that seem out of sorts for me.
There are things I will say
and people I will choose
mistakes I will make
while searching for a muse.

And maybe I will learn
to not revere the lives born in light
but find reality in darkness that found light.

No one knew me
like you did.
Sometimes I'm convinced no one does.
because no one could hurt me
like you did,
you knew exactly how your words
would cut the deepest
(I did too)

No one else had walked around
in my skin
worn my emotions
searched a shattered limbic system
cracked a chest and stared
at my vulnerable, pulsing heart.

But I have seen you too.

And I know how you like to breathe iron
weave severed veins
wade in my blood
and wait for me to betray
the life I strive to live.

No one knows me like that
No one knows just *******
that magical part of me
the part that just trusted
the part that just believed
in goodness

No one knows me,

You wanted to see me
a fire you extinguished
a damp collection of pieces

but no one knows me

No one has seen the pieces reassembled,
systems in sync
emotions filed

I've stopped mopping the floors
stopped hoping I can erase the stain of red
emblazoned in once white grout.

there are still shards of glass
that sometimes ***** an unsuspecting toe

but I have stopped  
God knows I've dedicated enough poetry to you.

so today i don't cry over you
I don't love you
and I don't hate you.

I have learned to live without you

turns out

it wasn't so hard.

So if you're waiting to hear it
I forgive you.


–and stay the **** away.

when I remember you,
despite whatever has happened
despite all that I know,
when I remember you

I don't imagine the hell
you put me through.

I don't imagine the
your breath hit he back of my neck
or the piercing way
I felt your stare cut through me.

I remember us singing, laughing

I remember loving you
needing you
not being able to find fault in you.

When I remember you
I remember leaning on you
I remember feeling like I would never
be able to replace you.

I remember all of the things
and people
All of the love
I would have sacrificed
for you.

When I remember you
my heart bleeds
because I trusted you,
And I was not ready
to make the decision
to let you go.

I was not ready to grieve the love
I spent on you.
And somehow
I'm still not.
Somehow,
I still can't let you go
and my heart still bleeds.

I still grieve.
I hate you, but I love you.
And I am still trying to learn to
live without you.

I allowed my heart to open,
and it swallowed me whole.

I thought that we were two cars
driving too fast in opposite directions.
Destined to drive
in hopeless, helpless circles

I thought that you were going to leave me waiting for you
on the side of the road
But when it all seemed so bleak
And your taillights disappeared from view
And tears like ice dripped down my cheeks
I saw the fading light stall.

A heart changing directions
And you came back.
Two hands holding onto different ways to say "I miss you."

I recognized both.
Welcome back.
and
I love you.

You came back, and I know
I know that we are two cars
And sometimes we will head in different directions
But we will always head back for home

Arms full of
Welcome back
and hearts full of

I love you.