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I have kissed boys

Girls

People in between

But lately I have been kissing bottles

Their lips are colder than yours

But slowly I have realized that the pounding headache when I wake is less hurtful than the shattering in my chest

Yet as these toxins rush through my veins

I can't help but miss the tracing of your fingers along my skin

Miss the numbness of the world when you lie with me

But when I wake I remember that a headache is treated with an aspirin

While heartache

Well if you have a cure for Heartache let me know
  May 2020 E B
JaxSpade
I didn't mean to be me

It happened so fast
It was hard to see

Me

Trying to be

I didn't mean anything
I was ignorant
Explaining things

I didn't mean
To be

Me

I was born with this image
I try to distinguish
But

I didn't mean it

I

Didn't mean
To be me

Maybe I should
Leave

Because
I didn't mean





To be here
E B May 2020
it feels like a serrated knife
has entered my chest with such an extreme might
backed by a force with so much emotion
that it's hard to feel the pain

my whole body hurts when thinking of
thoughts that maybe shouldn't
be
thought.

it's hard to tell the different between dreams and reality these days (i think i'm feeling what i'm supposed to be?)

the knife has been twisted and
yanked out
with a might
I cannot express.

leaving it's wound - is even worse
it was filling a void that not even I could muster
filling a void I didn't know was there.

now that it has left its final resting place (in my chest)
i should have left it there.
E B May 2020
captivated

in every sense of the word
E B May 2020
I find moments where I overthink to be oddly satisfying.
I have a brief moment of confusion and frustration, where I am writing stories in my head that are not true.

Sometimes it's difficult to find what we call - a middle ground.
Sometimes i'm not quite sure what that means anymore.

Life as we know it- is changing.
No one knows what it will look like three months from now, or three years from now.

My heart aches to realize the devastation of that which we are currently experiencing.
To truly understand the depth of it all.
The motions,
What is normal,
What is,
What is not.

What we see,
What we fear,
What we love,
What we challenge.

These moments are trivial.
E B May 2020
This reminds me of the stories I used to hear,
when God miraculously parted the sea.

Without hesitation, He did it.
Opening up a title wave of emotions
to wash over innocent bystanders.

To not be judged - but to live freely,
without moments of fear.

Sometimes, I feel my heart opening
In places I cannot explain.

Stretching a muscle I have yet to feel,
I have yet to notice,
I have yet to exercise.
And the moments after...
leave a sting so bad.

But, I finally feel like it's worth stretching.
That it's worth... expanding.

Moments like this -
Moments with you -

are always worth the sting.
E B May 2020
winters are warming
the icicles inside my aorta are melting
allowing my emotions to push and pull
with the blood coursing through my veins

the flowers inside my ribcage have been weeping for so long
until you began to water them
purposuly and diligently
with tenderness,
affection,
devotion.

here I am,
filled with passion for you.
hopelessly devoted to everything that you are
and everything you will be.
everything we will be.
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