I didn't want you,
I wanted love
and I have realised
that they are not the same thing.

You were a mould
that I poured my insecurities in,
a computer I tried to program.

But you are a sky,
stormy and clear and rainy and warm.

You were so blue when I longed for red.

I didn't want you.
I wanted the thought.

The smile you offered me as a parting gift is still growing wider and wider in my heart.

as i reached
and stroked your hair
untangling the knots
watching you stir
eyes closed
lips parting slightly
i realized how comfortable
silence was for us
how a caress to your skin
agitated my heart
and i think i've grown used
to loving you like this
loving you in silence

his eyes
perhaps like the creek
greyish-blue with bits of moss
reflections from the sky
lips like roses
pink and soft
wanting them to press into my skin
once again
like it used to be
elegant hands
one in mine
hair soft
hands running through it
caramel and gold
shining in the sun
a smile
like the sun
lighting up my life
the prettiest boy i've ever seen
inside and out

my roots are growing in ashy
i can't stop looking at my acne scars

i taste everything good in me
and lick the sin off my fingers

but no one told me that loving myself
would be this exhausting