Happy?
How am I suppose to be so called "happy"
when all I wanted,
all I needed,
all I had,
is now gone.

there once was a girl,
alone in a world,
filled with neglect and hatred.
she learned to use that neglect and hatred on herself.
she ripped her wrists like it was paper every night.
and cried a river till the sun would rise.
she looked in the mirror and did not recognize
the beauty and love she had this whole time.
there once was a girl.

I just want you,
but you didn't try.
you just said bye.
and left me all alone.
alone with nothing but a broken heart and a mask.
a mask to hide all my sadness.
and a broken heart leaning towards any guy that tells me I'm beautiful,
only to be broken once again.
but after every broken heart,
it all comes back to you.
the one guy who truly broke my soul.

I cant eat,
I cant sleep.
you are running through my mind.

I wish I didn't have to wear it but i do.
if I didn't then you'd see right through.
this mask.
all I am.
will you ever know the true me?
I hope not.

message me if,
your going through something.
anything.
or if your not,
and wanna talk.
I'm a really good listener.
and I know I can help with ANYTHING.
<3.

I just want you to know...
what ever you are going through,
whether that's..
loss/grief.
loneliness/depression.
a new diagnoses.
pain/anger.
anything at all.
you are never alone.
someone's loves you.
whether you believe that or not,
it is true.
you will see that soon.
stay strong.
you can get through it all.
I love you.

today is a new day.
forget about...
yesterday.
a week ago.
a moth ago.
a year ago.
because today is a new begging.
you are not defined by your sins or your past.
so don't let others get in your way,
or tell you who you are or should be.
you are who you choose to be..
happy.
sad
mad
depressed.
you can do anything you set your self to be.
you ARE one of a kind<3

the best I can do,
is just put my mask on,
and hope you don't see my pain through it.

when people ask you what's wrong,
you cover it up with "I'm just tired"
but your not tired.
you wish they didn't believe when you'd say that.
you scream for help but no one can hear you.
so you hide it.
beneath a thing layer of cotton.

your moms embarrassed of what hides beneath.
she says you have mental issues.
so she puts you in counseling and on medication.
but non of it helps.
so you tie down all emotions.
say I'm fine when they ask.

at night your only so called friend comes out.

you play her on your wrist like a violin.
not knowing if this one will be too deep.
while blood rushes down your wrist.

its a release.

did you mean it?
when you said you loved me?
you know...
those three words that just slipped out of your mouth.
so easily spoken like they didn't even count.

because I really do doubt.

I was just another girl to you.
but you made me feel like I was actually something for once.
but you didn't mean it.
you know..
those three easily spoken words.
"I love you"

girl in the mirror.
I didn't even recognize you.
have you been eating?
when was the last time you washed your face?
or combed your hair?
girl in the mirror
who are you
I don't even know you anymore
your a ghost.
your to...
ugly
put some makeup on.
skinny.
eat.
pale.
tan.
girl in the mirror who are you ?

I'm already dead.
those scars of my body, just remind me how much paint I feel.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I've lost everyone and everything.
they said it would get better.

they said its just being a teenager.
they said I'm fine.

they lied.
you don't know me.

I don't know me.

I'm a lost soul.

why'd you have to come into my life.
you ruined me.
you made me loose everything.
I hate you.

did you mean it?
when you said you loved me.
I thought you did.
but why you leave me like you did?
the second things got tough.
did you mean it?
when you said you thought we'd be together forever.
because I thought you did.
but you gave me up in a snap.
did you mean it?
when you told me I was beautiful.
then why'd you never show me off.
did you mean it?
when you told me you wanted to go slow.
then why'd you use me like I was just some girl the second I wasn't in my right mind.

you didn't love me.
then why'd you say it?

like you meant it.

Mood swings.
Constantly.
Isolation.
Irrational decisions daily.
Random tears streaming down my pale face.
Speaking few words.
You ask why I am the way I am.
I am my mental illness.
It locked me in a box.
Threw away the key.
Gave me a gift.
It was a blade of course.
I used it to escape the pain.
I hid those wounds as best I could.
long sleeves on daily.
A mask to cover the whole mess.
"I'm fine."

your touch against my skin, those late nights sneaking out.
oh how I miss you.
your breath against my body.
your hands rubbing against my thighs. oh how you tease me.
oh how I miss you.
those soft lips against mine.
then you whispered into my ear how you loved me.
oh how you broke my heart.
oh how I did it all to feed on your hunger.
those late nights together oh how I miss those.
but you broke me.
you used me.
did you mean those words "I love you"
or was I just another girl because you weren't another guy to me.
you were my drug and I overdosed on you.
oh how I miss you.

What is love?
Is it the disproval you get from your loved ones?
Is it the soul crushing feeling when you can no longer see him?
Maybe its the feeling of the skin tearing blade you rub against your arm.
Or no, maybe its the tears and yelling you scream when your own mother doesn't understand your reasons for the actions you've made. just for love.

What is love? Love is the reason for heart throbbing, depression, scars, judgement, suicide. love is the reason for the emptiness in my heart that will never be filled again.

you define me by my past.
tell me that's all I am.
define me by who I'm not and don't want to be.
point out all my flaws instead of tell me how much you love me.
tell me I have mental issues.
are the reason for the blade slicing through my thin wrists.
the reason I don't see a future.
the reason I've lost everyone I cared about.
you ruined me.
you were suppose to be the one person who would always love me but that was just a lie covered in a thick layer of more lies.
you are my mom.