Sun drawing out sweat
causing clothes to fall off
Deep breaths and quiet grins
Eyes of strangers met

Shirtless against the wall
but only in the head
Standing like a scarecrow
so nothing stands out at all, oh god

Chitter chatter to cover up
But the sweat is growing thick
Better act natural
to keep from becoming the stereotypical
male ****
Keep cool, self, be slick

The first
time I smoked
was with a
dead
friend.

There's nothing quite like
having your memory erased
the best thing that'll ever happen
the best thing you'll ever taste
are the drugs sliding down
your throat to splash
in the stomach acid
pumping chemicals through your veins

The synapses in my brain
are full of dopamine
and my serotonin levels
are off the charts
On the outside I stand tall
like a steel soldier
but on the inside I'm crumpled up
with a paper heart

How do I tell my mom
I'm on, walk in while
she makes her art, day before her birthday
What words would I even spit
how could I say I just downed
a bottle of codine, she'd disown me
So I stumble up stairs to my
old bed, pictures of my graduation
burn my head, but it's imagination
the room swirls but I'm station...ary

Started off with a bet, kids dared me
When your fifteen you don't
see the bad side, the glazed eyes
rolled back drifting, all you feel
is the lifting and the bass
pumping, through your chest blasting
off real life stress, you can't tell you're a mess
Rolling, feeling like the best

But now I can't sleep unless I'm on
and then I don't dream.
It's time to start taking steps
instead of X, I'll do reps at the gym
I'm done giving in, I done living in
fog, done being gone.

Yesterday me and Tony were on the go
driving slow, on the hunt for blow
picked up, lined up, he handed me the dollar bill
rolled up and I could feel my brain
screaming, yes, my veins aching, yes,
my hands reaching for the dollar but then...

I said no.

Two ticks click
through my ears
fuego leapt from
steel grasp to burn
destroying as it
flares across the valley
Smoke billowed into
the clutches of
hard, purple plastic
pressing in from all sides
funneled into sacks
of tendrils. They cringe
grey swirls choking
off pipes and
blood lines
Veins bursting with
new chemicals
Spewed out over
the burnt plains
But the valley
is just a small
groove on a
burnt out, tired
brain

Strangers known
by shared room
Honey voiced , high cheek *****
no less, no more

Licorice words pounding
on a chest
scrambling to wrap fingers
around a single perfumed breath
Two days dragging on
pulled through mud
stuck in fog
seconds are hours too long

Then ringing came
answered by drops of syrup
pouring out a reply, yes!
drinking it in with big gulps.

Mirror reflects practiced hellos
swishing hair put in place
teeth and lips splitting
breaking through stone face

Pacing back and forth
frantic footsteps pounding
crushing carpet in a line
south, north, south, north

No ring, no change
red blushes fad grey
phone silent, gaze up
stare blank



Is the swooshing hair the wrong way?
Is the grin too toothy?
Is the face not constructed right?

Stood up and let down
sailor on a ship
already sunk and drifting
off the starboard bow
Stood up and let drown

by the honey voice
the high cheek bones
Failure in hindsight sighing
“I should have known
I should have known…”

Another tomato
             splats to the
floor,
but I'm getting paid.

As much as I can
I repress the one part
of myself that I can't stand
the hopeless romantic
that sits in my brain
trying to change the things
I think
drown them down
the kitchen sink

Now I know why
tortoises move so
slow

"I thought hurricane season was over."
hovers like the rotors
dicing air that we breath
out smoke into
"Will you fly me?"
"Of course."

(I'm yours)

I found me heart in the sea
surrounded by corral that's rust red
locked in a chest with shiny cents
So heavy it never rose
not even when given a good laugh
pearls and black diamond tears

The fish cry saltless tears
and no one I know can see
They only know my joyous laugh
and the things they wrote, I read
blooming like a rose
I was this made more sense

But alas, I waste my two cents
soaking in salty tears
I wish that chest had rose
from the sand beneath the sea
****** heart beating red
god I need a laugh

The octopi around me laugh
for they have a humorous sense
and don't know the things I read
standing in the theater tiers
Their big, old eyes can see
the locked chest that never rose

They gather in pews and rows
eager for another laugh
They don't understand, they belong in the sea
but my heart down here makes no sense
so I still have salty tears
mixing with each pump of red

The octopi never read
sorting coral into rows
They never had to cry tears
They only know how to laugh
because to them this all makes sense
Their hearts belong in the sea

They cannot see, for they have not read
They have no cents, they don't know the rose
all they do is laugh, ignoring human tears

She is sleek , a little battered
scar across her back
but in her silver dress
whoa, never had a girl like that
long legs propel her fast
in any direction I turn her head
She lets me press her buttons
she lets me turn her on
just one flick and she'll be roaring
or one twist and she sits
motionless

When she breaks down
I pick her up, fix her up
god bless
She's hot in summer
frigid in winter and
always in that dress
She soothes me when I'm stressed
blares out my worries when
I've got them on my chest

She yells out songs at
the top of her gravelly voice
or she whispers lullabies
it's my choice
loud, quite, she doesn't care
I could be rich, or broke
she'd still take me anywhere

I've cried in her arms
I've loved in her lap
I even let her wear
my favorite baseball cap
and see my feet
Once she kept me warm
during my sleep
watched my eyes shifting
underneath my lids
If she lasts long enough
someday she could hold my,
my kids

Deft fingers trace lines
connecting neck to spine
all the way to toes
then toes and back
Summertime started with her laugh
Sun erased the world
bit by bit
till there was only wonder

Love stands tall in the summer
bright skies and steamy nights
Hands on thighs, nails, skin
dopamine pumped up by giving in
and waking up kisses
warm on my cheek

Never fall in love during summer
It will be grand, it will be a trip ,
the best time you'll ever have
But then winter hits
The love doesn't stand as tall
rain bends its back
Dopamine low in the brain
lets it fall

So fall in love in winter
if it seems magical during the storms
just wait till summer

Mouth open wide, ripped, stitched up the side
Telling me to stop running, their tired
Tired of dirt, mud, ****, things that transpired
from a ground level view
Screaming at me

"Imagine if it were you!
Imagine you saw yourself running
and each step smashed your brain in!
We are tired!
Just let us die, get some new
cronies, pick on some new guys."

Beat to death, then beaten again
SLO, Santa Cruz, beaches, streets,
parties, fight circles, thrown on the roof
Hoping they'll die soon and be reborn
as some brand new shoes

She’s a dark elf supermodel,
kills werewolves for fun
with daggers, arrows, kicks to the throat.

She’s a dark elf supermodel!
She makes monsters run,
Strikes, poised to run down a foe.

She’s slaying it nightly,                                
She’s badass, she’s art,
My mind is seduced.
She is the only                                          
dark elf of my heart.

An          empty
       bed

I didn't mean to
take a piece of you
much less such an important
component of your circulatory system
how does your blood pump
from head to toe?
why did you let it go?
My hands are soaked in its
blood
staining my pillows so
I'll mail it to you
by plane,
I can say
I gave you one last flight
before
leaving

I've slowly fallen, like Satan, from the graces
swapped paces and places, to capture different faces
but the wanderlust on my breath is strong, taste this
It's hard to bond when half the time I'm gone
black hair, curves, four leafed clover thong,
afternoons snoozing and browsing Netflix
flashes of my life till I'm on to the next bit
I can't get no respite, I just might break my next flight
for this chick, hopeless romantic, can't stand it
but lately I've been ghost on this whole scene
mind stolen like my future is a bandit
who's mind set is all about the greed
a fiend for the green presidents that sink further into my dreams
calling my name, telling me it's worth the pain to gain
have pockets on swoll with no shame to get a foothold in the game
thousands would be pocket change but the man in the mirror
doesn't look so set, half ******, dressed for bed
wishing he could disappear for a bit, maybe never come back
the king of disappearing, yeah he likes the sound of that.

Bottoned to the jaw
stone cold face to thaw
roughed and raw under
the black cloud dress shirt,
loud like thunder
as a I skirt the jungle
that is the tangle of bangles
and bands, hanging from wrists
followed by hands, twisting
to grab clear courage
with a flourish
Gulp, gulp, gulp
another plunge, more lurching
spiked up exterior like a sea urchin
lurking in the deep, dark ocean
Slowly getting dull
I'm emptier the more I am full
fire slowly flitting out,
I'm a dying coal
a half burned ember
put out by the snow of December
just pretending to be fire
I'm happy (I'm a liar)
but I never tire
of drowning
lurching, lurching
prickly again, I'm a sea urchin

This one time, Eddie and I were in his house, their neighbor fed the squirrels and they had over run Eddie's backyard. He saw one on the fence and asked me to grab his bow. Standing at the back door he drew back an arrow, took a deep breath in, let it out slow, and let the arrow fly. It struck the squirrel right through the eye and flung it from the fence top. Eddie's pops saw and congratulated him on the shot, but said we were not to waste the squirrel so Eddie cooked it up on the BBQ and we ate it. It tasted terrible, but I'm ****** if that wasn't the best shot I've ever seen. And I'm ****** if we didn't eat every last bit. And I'm ****** if Eddie ever dies for a second time, when no one remembers him.

I fell in love
with the way you picked yourself back up.
You didn't ask for help, you've got yourself and no one else, and that's o.k.
But it scares me to hell to think that
you don't need me.
What's to keep you from leaving?

'Cause you say you have big dreams
different countries
Changing lives, and switching personalities.
Big dreams, big dreams

There's this feeling I get at night
when I can't sleep it's like I'll never have to leave,
Can I be part of your

Big dreams, different countries
Changing lives, and switching personalities.
Big dreams, big dreams

It would tighten its grip
every single day
But it would be great to rip
it off on the weekends

I can hear the ghost
playing down the hall
with the elevator doors
elevator doors
Open, close, open, close
just like my eyes
I've never felt so close
to the elevator ghost

People pass him every day
on their way to school
on their way to school
They press his buttons
and stand on his floors
open, close, open, close
just like my eyes
just like my eyes