chatter downwind fills
up the glass baubles strung
from the ceiling and Zak
shifts back and forth
older and yellower,
still angry as ever
but Kynlee softens
him with her wide
eyes and inquiring
gaze, one leg to the
next, a sudden raucous
behind the white paned
doors, but the crickets
find their way back
into the hum--
Sometimes it just gets to be too much
he says, and we both look across the
way where a sliver of his wife can be
seen in the evening glow--
and I don't answer him
because we are no longer
children with a response
for everything, or teenagers
with an affinity for bragging
two adults with financed metabolisms
and organized problems

more chatter, a bit of song.
I am the last unmarried sibling.
I loll back on my heels and press
in to the quick air between us
yeah, I say.    


*yeah.

our friendship has always been
platonically stitched, with letters
that start with I was thinking about you today
and could probably end with can I just hold your hand?
maybe to feel its warmth or be close to another human when
we're both so far from romantic assurances--bothered by neither
departures or the static created by bodies nearly touching. If one
were to use the other it would go both ways, kisses, while inherently
affectionate might just be to feel lips on lips the way grade-schoolers do



but we have known each other for years with gaps, and if you asked
me to be completely honest, I would. But to broach this would mean
relinquishing the rights to such sincerity--something only you or I
have the power to do. And I

prefer it this way.
never having held
your hand but knowing
if I asked, you'd say yes.

i left a few hair ties,
half a bottle of lavander shampoo,
and my favorite knit sweater
in a west coast city

i'm heart-set,
i'm hell-bent,
i'm coming home

this east coast blood
boils too quickly
in the sun

we are addicted to
seven different kinds of pills
& we are slurring our words
with sleeves pulled over our wrists
& we are counting down the days
til this ends,
but we don't know what this is
or what happens to us when it breaks

so we are skipping rocks across
the susquehanna and
speeding down 6 and 11
to the diner off college ave
& my eyes are burning from the wind
ripping through this quiet town,

and i can wear that thick hoodie
you bought me in philly,
with flannel interior
(i like that hoodie,
it smells like the warehouse
we snuck off to,
to smoke your dad's
cigarettes when we were
fourteen and first flirting
with the decline that we're
now hopelessly devoted to)
but my organs
will shiver each time
you change shifts
on the way out of town;
chilled to the bone;
an omnipresent ache

we are running to jersey again,
for a salt water sunday
and a breath of ***** air

always taking laps around the tri-state,
trying to stop the boredom from
burning holes in our shoes

so portland,
hold my hand,
drag me back,
my legs are tired
from all this running
& i need you now

*west coast whispers,
west coast whispers,
you're safe here
where the ocean
meets the land.
i'll hold your hand

it's too early to get drunk
& it's too late to go back to sleep
so i'll sit up in your bed,
pretending that i'm not in over my head.
you know,
my lungs have been full for years,
i've been breathing through a mask.
i get scared when you get close,
cause i'm afraid you'll hear
the machine tick
& you'll wonder how long i've been
on auto pilot like this.
you'll wonder if anything
i've done
was ever really real.
(of course not)
i have answers to the questions
that i know you'll ask
but lately you've been going off script
and i can't get a hold of it.
come kiss my thighs,
i'll make the noises
i'm supposed to make.
the ones that make your legs shake.
look me in the eyes,
i'll say the pretty words
you've been begging to hear.
the words that make your
stomach ache.
(i know you like it this way)
(i know you'd rather me pretend
than whither away)
so stop right there.
don't pick at my brain.
i know you can see
that it's only a scab,
and once it comes lose
there'll be nothing left
but blood beneath your nails
so,
porcelain love of mine,
with your dark red lips
& bright blue eyes,
don't you dare go searching
for something that
you're not ready to find