Heart palpating
Mind is racing
Mouth is dry
With silent cry.

So I went to him, all nerves,
All jitters and all swerves,
Smiled awkward, feeling helpless,
Breathless 'n defenceless.

"Take a tablet," he said,
"You lack chemicals in your head,
Not your fault at all,
That's the way you were born."

So I took the pill
Went for the ****
Now my mind is dead
No happiness. No dread.

So which is better?
To live and fretter,
Be woebegone
Or an automaton?

To be or not to be
A feeling existentiality,
To be a soul with a goal,
But nerves out o' control ...

Or not to be myself,
But as a book on a shelf,
No feeling nor living
With constant misgiving?

To feel, to think,
Are God's gift to humanity,
I'd rather be a madman
Than a vegetable with sanity.

it's been a strange trip
trying to get to the point
where I know myself