Affectionately called "Dog Bite"
I sit in the Valley ER for 4 1/2 hours
**** me

I wonder how much
The Bacitracin costs

The hands of a stranger
Exploring the hem of my skirt
To the heavy beat
Vibrating through my spirit

I'll move my hips
As slowly as is needed
To turn your flesh
To burning stone

Pressed against you
Like a proposition
Zero words spoken
Every promise broken

You may think of me
As a wretched tease
But it's the only advantage
I claim over you

So, touch me and squeeze me
Dance with me til midnight
I don't need a pumpkin
I've got my own car

So I'll leave when I please
To a chorus of pet names
Without even
Telling you my real name

We'll just go with "Babygirl"

Auld Lang Syne
And Au Revoir
Don't we look
So pretty in gold?

The red exes
Of 2018
Splash across
Our calendars

We smile and laugh
And drink
And kiss
The black year goodbye

I bleed bacon grease,
I sweat *****,
And I cry pure salt,

But you expect me
To function
Like a normal human

How many of us
Have to die
And starve
And scream
Before they get it?

All these words
Trail behind me
Spilling from my fingers
Gently pressed to a screen
What do they even mean?

All this time
With nothing to show
Laughing at Forever
Hardly noticing at all
How far I'm going to fall

All them nights
Lightning in the sky
Flattering a stranger
Poorly masking all my craze
I've got scary **** for days!

All that love
For different boys
Add them to the kite tail
Lightly floating in the breeze
Until the lighting finds the key

But you don't seem to love me...
The things and words and pictures
Only amounted to lust

I want to be wanted,
But you don't seem to want me
You despise me

Everything you said
Everything I did
Now haunts me

I dance after midnight
With ***** in my veins
You're on my mind

I want to be loved,
But you don't seem
To love me

I'll never tell you
How I feel
Right now

You appear
And disappear
And reappear
And it's Christmastime

I know I've said too much
I know I've tried to be nice
I know I've been naughty
I know I've gone too far

I think about you
And her
I think about your Christmas Eve
With a beautiful person

I'm drunk
If you can't tell
And broke
So Christmastime evades me

But you have her
And she
******* Christ
She has has you

I have three cats
Two dogs
Two passive *****
And a future hangover

She has you
And I'm jealous
So jealous
That I might actually tell you

Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
*******

**** her
**** me
Merry Christmas
*******

"It doesn't feel like Christmas"
Well,
No ****
We're so wretched

Poverty and jealousy
Impatience, opportunity
Blessed ******* scrutiny
Of all the shoddy mutinies...

You were a dream
No. 1 on the Christmas list
But Santa never brings
The most expensive things

So a good night to all
And
To all
A good night

But I'll never have
You
And I hope it's
Alright

How I wish
And wish
You cared enough
To say hello

But I realize
You are a free agent
Unto the will
You choose

And you choose
And choose
To not say
Hello

And you realize
I am a mess
Plagued by
Your absence

So that
Should tell
Me
Something

I can't blame you
For me
And all the things
I **** up

I can't hate you
For changing
How you feel
About me

I won't tell you
How to live your life
Or how
To love me

I don't know
Anything
At all
Anymore

My roommate's dog is howling out back
Someone stole my garage door opener
So now I'm gonna get robbed
AGAIN
**** this city
**** sobriety
**** life
**** all of it
Because I'm alone
Always
Always
Always
Alone
I deactivated all of my accounts
And slipped quietly away from it all
And crawled into my first day of
Hell
The world
And everything in it
Can kiss my ***
Because I'm in a decided state
Of HATRED
And it hasn't even been
24 hours

****.

I tell him all the stories
About the boys,
The lies,
The awful dates

He tells me
I've been
Given
A **** hand

And then
He adds himself
To the pile
Of stories

They say I shouldn't
Read into things
And that I should
Take things at face value

But I can't
Just ignore
All the little reminders
Of my shortcomings

The sighs after I speak
The shifting of their feet
The silent gestures
And the blessed absence

They say I'm all I need
And I shouldn't want more
That I should fix me
Even though I'm the mess

The madness
The insanity
The levity
Of the irony

**** all of you
**** all of me
Leave me be
But set me free

I'm not free to be me

I collapsed the seats of my Rav4
You watched my *** the whole time
And saw an opportunity
As I bent over between the front seats
One, two, then three fingers
While fumbling to turn off the hazards
Biting a seat to keep quiet
Accidentally turned the music back on
"Stay In My Memory" by Bim
The song from Him
**** him, I'll ******* instead
The hazards were off
The music still on
Your fingers making my body quake
From the inside
Twice
Strong enough to throw me around
Like I was someone cuter and smaller
And put me on my back
With a hand around my throat
Kissing at me like a dog
Making me submit like a *****
Three, four, five
"On your knees"
And you threw me there, too
Six
Around we spun
Getting rug burn
Lost count of the quakes
They started to blend
With the aftershocks
"Are marks okay?"
And then you left one
A hickey on a weeknight
And a Monday, no less
Next time, we need a bed
Rug burn is a *****

A reckless pursuit
A dangerous dance
A perilous game
Finding someone new

Hey-
At least
Most of them
Touch me

27, coming right up
But I'm feeling Amy
Feeling like 27
Might be the end

I want to be happy while I'm sober

I want to be rested when I wake

I want to be strong enough to fight

I want so many things

But I'll have to settle for

Wasted
Weary
Weak

At least for now

I'll sit here,
Wasting away in your memory,
Surviving on fumes
Of a love gone dry

I'll wait here,
Counting the moments and nights,
Cursing the heavens
For a hope I lost

I'll sleep here,
Dreaming of what could've been,
Fading to grey
In a sea of your thoughts

Boop

(Actually, I love you.)

They know how to scare us
And keep our attention
And turn us against one another

They know where we go
When we think
Nobody is watching

They know what to say
To keep us out
Of their holy business

But
What
Do
They
Know?

Let's leave our phones in the hotel room
And go **** in the woods

But...hear me out...what if I actually do die alone?

I feel like an inflatable raft
With a leak
That I can't find
Because it's so small

It may take a while
I'll still end up
Deflated

Unless you count the crushing regret

We're all
Just finding
More clever
Ways to
**** each
Other slowly

There's a picture in my head
That I call "Perfect"

I close my eyes every morning
And imagine someone beside me

The someone is kind and rested
And smiles when our eyes meet

They reach out and touch my face
With the gentleness of the rising sun

And try out a rough "Good Morning"
Before clearing their throat

We kiss,
And it's softer than the pillows

We embrace,
And it's warmer than the blankets

We ****,
And it's hotter than that sun

I open my eyes to the reality
Of the choices I have made

And I try not to hate it
Too much

Once upon a time,
I fell in love with a fish
Who only acknowledged me
When I managed to get him on the hook,
But he swam away
The second any bait was gone

Once upon a time,
I fell in love with a deer
Who only came near me
When I made myself smaller,
But he ran away
The second I started to stand

Once upon a time,
I fell in love with a cat
Who only rubbed against me
When I ignored him long enough
But he sauntered away
The second he got my attention

After a long while,
He came back around
To **** my hook clean,
And to be my superior,
And to fool me

He is gone again
For how long
No one can say
But I'll be here

Pole in hand,
Crouched,
And looking in the opposite direction

Instead of my
Near constant destruction
I think I'll
Try to create

Sometimes
I sing harmony
With Patrick Stump
And pretend we're dating

Touch me
With the tips of your fingers
Gently
Across the small of my back

Touch me
With both hands
Securely
Fastened to my hips

Touch me
With the rise of your chest
Intimately
Pressing against mine

Touch me
With your lips, your tongue
Hungrily
Tasting the salt on my neck

Touch me
With the rest of you
Finally
Becoming who you touch

Those little electric currents
That pass from your skin to mine
Frankly
Keep me alive

That's why I'm dying

She lives in a house

With many walls

Not just the four on the outside

But many, many walls

That guide her along

And form halls

And she obeys the halls

Because she doesn't know

She can walk through

Walls



She loves boys

Who dream

Because she doesn't believe

That she can



She is chaos

Imploding

And retained

By some force

Of sheer social

Fuckery



She stands in a field

And suddenly realizes

She is agoraphobic



The fear

is not

the LONELINESS

It is

the ABSENCE

of a

HUMAN SHIELD



She weeps

For she has no shield

From the weapons

She made

Herself



She cannot change



To do so

Would be

To ****** God

And to take His place

And to stain His throne

With menstrual blood

To walk His valleys

Bathed in scents

Adorned in jewels



She would be Eternal

And that can never be

Seasonal affective disorder
Is all the ******* rage:

Seclude yourself!
Ignore your friends!
Blow off your obligations!
Justify your behavior!
You're SAD!
YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!
It's the way to freedom!
Never deal with people again!
Never deal with issues again!
Just curl up in bed!
You deserve to be SAD!
DON'T go outside!
DON'T communicate!
DON'T apologize!
Just!
Be!
SAD!

That feeling when you're empty
And lonesome
In need of distraction
Something to fill you

That feeling when you know
The world is cold
And you just want
To be warm

So you push and pull
And struggle
Past the wall of thoughts
And worries

Forcing your mind to the alley
To the ***** streets
Where lovely things die
And the wholesome withers

You dive into nastiness
Depravity
A ****** highway
To hell

Because when you arrive
You die
And not in the way
You hoped you would

The hands and mouths of ghosts
Have all left
You're cold on the bed
And still alone

The last light of ******
Flickers out
Like a repossessed dream
Like a phantom

The space between sleep
Is now laughing
But you cannot tell
From whence it comes

Reminding you of
Your feeble attempts
At escaping
By the highway

Screaming, crying,
No one cares
Fighting, kicking
No one sees
Panicking, despairing,
No one knows
Drinking, smoking,
No one joins
Waiting, watching,
No one here
Shouting, calling,
No one there
End it all,
No one could stop it

Be a friend
Be an adult
Be a ****
Be a manic depressive mess
Just don't be a *****

Relating to society
Or its organization

Screens too small
World too big

Screaming
At the top of my lungs

All you see
The Capitol letters

My opinions shriek
Like a banshee

I'm a ghost
And so are you

O, Connection!
Fickle Beast!

To be Social
As Social was meant to be

Not these screens
Not these silent screams

**** your opinion
My opinions are fact!

*******, I'm nice!
Sorry, not sorry

I'm so broken
My flaws are fine

But YOU
YOU have no excuse!

**** your Social
**** your thoughts

**** how fast
You block your bridges

You left me
To rot here

With a phone
In my hand

Reach inside
Detoxify me
Clean out every
Part that sings
Those praises

Leach from me
Everything
And everyone
I love

I'll be
A better worker bee
A better member
Of our blessed
Society

More pretty
More silent
More compliant
Less defiant

Replace the Fire
With the Earth
And the Earth
With the Water
And I'm left with Air

Whistling through
My empty tomb
My empty womb
This empty room

Raise my arm
To the audience
Prove I'm still
Alive and
Breathing

I'll be lost
And afraid
But nobody
Will know

So...

Like blood in still water
You beautifully float through me
Red flowers blooming and fading

Irradiated, distant dreams
We won't really be harmed
Until we doff our gas masks

We'll dance on the corpses
Of our former selves
And be deemed wicked by all

But we weep at the graves
Of all our past lovers
For all the pain they have gifted us

I run naked through the woods
From your intoxication
Lashed by every branch and twig

Only to find you in a field
Waiting to wash my face and wounds
In a pond of your living waters

Dry my skin with your breathy sighs
Clothe me in your finest regard
Sing me to sleep with the smell of your incense

In the morning
We may just have to
Do it all again

I just
Want to
Stay high

Pink moscato
Parking lot
Empty stomach
Very quickly there

Just like that
The sadness subsides
Although I'm alone
The bottle, my friend!

Warms me and whispers
To my used parts
Through din of city
"Come away with me, child"

"Wanna **** a stranger tonight?"
"Wanna jump off a building?"
"Wanna write that **** song?"
Nah, I wanna drink more wine <3

To have hope is to stay up all night
In the arms of a boy you just met
And have him smile at you
As if he means it

It's to keep checking your phone
Because he said he'd text you
And to believe him
Until you can't

It's to come up with all sorts of excuses
As to why he hasn't spoken
And to play back the night
Over and over again

It's to make yourself keep wondering
If you should let it fade and die
Or hold on a little bit longer
Or shoot yourself, maybe

It's to battle your own common sense
To deny what you already know
To grasp too tightly to a
Flimsy
*******
Fantasy
That maybe he actually did care

To have hope is to be poisoned
To have hope is sickness
To have hope is to feel pain

Wild, curly brown hair
Big ol' brown doe eyes
Her father's sweetness
And her mother's sass

She might be a painter
Or a writer
Or a nerd
Or even an athlete

She'd be half dreamer
Half thinker
All-knowing
And all-loving

Her name would roll off tongues
Wrapped in affectionate sighs
And stern instructions
And resounding respect

Creating her with you
That magic power God saw fit to give
We're trash, but
She might not be

We would raise her
On spicy food
And kisses on temples
And lullabies

She'd speak your language
With my conviction
Killin' 'em
On multiple continents

Our little girl
Would be you
And me
On fire

I love you
You know this
It's stupid
You're stupid

Buuuuut

It's hopeless
We're drowning
The boys are out
Now, run away

Stay

Leave, I guess
Grieve, I guess
I don't care
You don't care

We care

We care too much
And we drown
And we fail
But hey-

You know all of this

Roll
Stretch
Yawn
****
Ugh
Bloodshot
Eyes
In
The
Mirror
Empty
Can­s
In
The
Sink
Glitter
And
Dandruff
Cover
My
Pillow

GET

the

E
v
e
r
loving

****

OUT

OFMY

*******
*******
o­hmyfuckinggodiFUCKINGhateyou

H
E
A
D

seriously
please
imb­eggingyou

And maybe eat ****

Sad eyes,
And those pouty, pouty lips
Poor thing,
You have no idea
What you're doing

Confused little boy
Innocent and caged
You have
My condolences
For the loss of your V

Because it wasn't to me-

Me! The succubus
The girl the Bishops
Warned you boys about
The harlot
To drag you down to Hell

"My favorite toy"
That you've never really
Played with
"You want my ****"
Yes! Now, give it up!

All these words
Through the static of space
But I guess
That's just how my moaning
Sounds best

Just another boy
Won't let me **** him
Just another boy
Who's got a thumb
In my heart

But you're more like
Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie
Kissin' girls, then makin' them cry
When other boys come out to play
ALL YOU ******* RUN AWAY

Sorry, where was I?

Austen
Phoenix
**** him,
But
I miss him

He'll never make the trip
To see me
And I guess that's why
It *****
So much

I drive to Phoenix
To Austen
To pouty lips
To confusion
Willingly, enthusiastically

Because
**** IT
I
Love
The kid <3

When she was 8-teen
She started smoking ****
And it became a necessity
For her to keep the peace

Or the words she'd sing
Would only bring
Suffering
To everything

And then she found a Savior
For a while, he saved her
But only for good behavior
And then she kissed a stranger

The spell once cast, now broken
She's back to kissin' and tokin'
Half of all words spoken
Flame and ash a-smokin'

But you can know
The love will always flow
When she isn't home,
When she isn't home