i love him
         i love her
we fight sometimes
         here and there
this time it wasnt the same
i said something i knew i would regret
and that was it.
i was always giving comebacks
but i never got come backs
See i loved him
          and i loved her
but i make it difficult sometimes
          sometimes?
Okay, often, but thats because of my
scars
scars that cannot be
erased or healed
soothed or can
fade
I just know i want him back
i just dont know where to start..

i’ve grown very old since i used to be looked favorably upon
i have memories in each crevice on my face.
my wrinkles.
my happy scars

my husband would call them
he’s gone away a couple of years now and i grow lonesome at times
i don't see the beauty my husband once saw anymore

it started to fade away with the blonde to then gray hair on my head
they say its innate
along with the feeling of having youthful qualities
i used to be so ambitious and outgoing
i was one of the girly girls
not so beautiful on the outside perse but beautiful.

but now i dont do things that are ambitious
i send letters to my grandchildren in Austria
their mother always loved to travel
she was ambitious just like me
and she acted upon her ambition from the start
it made her beauty show in and out

oh treasure your youth young one
for you always are in a rush to get older
and try makeup
and wear heels
and go out with boys or girls
you are going to regret it when you get older like me.
be beautiful in your youth
be beautiful for eternity

she almost looked
prosthetic
if i never spoke to her
if i never felt
her
if i never spoke to
her.

she seemed programmed.
She laughed and smiled and nodded
and laughed some more
little did anyone know
it pained her everytime.

She was present
but not present.
very outgoing
when she knew
eyes were on her.

behind closed doors,
she was the most creative mind
only limited by
her fear of judgement.
she kept her abilities and talents hidden
under her pillow
in the journal she got from her father
on her sixth birthday
right before the
big fight.

dangerous
poisonous
thoughts started bubbling slowly within her
like a virus
viciously spreading
while she tried to fight it back
but it just
overwhelmed her
like a drug flowing within her
like a small yet potent dose
working its magic,
doing great things to her.

she started to want to
be wanted.
though no one said
anything
except the usual.
she didnt want to fall into the scene-
disguised by
popular kids and bullies
mixed in together.

She wanted to be noticed.
But she never let anyone
have the opportunity to notice her.
She started dressing different.
she started acting different.
started
talking
different
Eventually, she left everyone.
Heck, she didnt
have to be afraid
anymore.

cant bother a girl thats gone

the small dosage
surely
did great things..

i wrote a page worth of everything that has happened in the past 13 hours
and tears welled up in my eyes and
yknow the works
and so i got a lighter
lit that sucka on fire
as it slowly crumpled into grey fragile pieces
and after it was done

i stared at the ground
looking at the remains of my distressing situation.

i got up
turned around
and went back inside the house for some
cherry 7up.

and she
cried
and cried
and cried and cried
until her eyes
rolled
back.