.

.

.


have you ever built a castle
high and mighty, out of sand
to slip and when you stumble
have it crumble in your hands?

the memory of what should be
will haunt you every day
without the hope you once had
you can never be the same

the worst part is you know that
there is nothing you can do
and nothing else to blame
the only variable was you

have you ever caught a glimpse of something that you can't describe
that makes you feel like you belong
and makes you feel alive?

but you can only get so close
no matter how you try
and lust for what you'll never have
it just tears you up inside

so off you go, in search of things
that might make you forget
but everything you find will
only lead to more regret

.

it's like finding an exciting new disease
that you never knew
you couldn't live without

it becomes your spirituality
after a "spiritual experience"
affecting everything you do

you're on the path to destruction
and you chase things that leave you empty
like impossibilities

you spiral down, down
until you reach the bottom
and there's no one to break your fall

..

after being down for long enough
your anxieties are replaced with apathy
to where up and down look the same

and if you're very lucky, someone may come along and make a huge impact
somewhat restoring your will to live

gratitude turns to love, love to obsession
as they become more valuable to you
than anything else in your existence

...

determined to be enslaved no longer
you cast aside your old, toxic friends
in favor of healthier choices

with a sizeable chunk of your life missing
you are left with a hungry void
that must be filled with something

so you take up a hobby, or several
and feel some contentment, but it don't last
you're trading one addiction for another

....

your demons haven't gone, but
you find you can keep them contained
if you can keep yourself busy

they're too weak to fight, but they will still
try to trick you into submission
by manipulating your dreams

and even with all the will you can muster
you find that you are basically powerless
and your higher power is tired of your ****

...and it will always be a part of you

.

.

.

.

.

.

it's 4th period

the warning bell rings

and I'm still in my locker

not knowing which books I need

or where I need to be in 1 minute

but I wouldn't dare ask anyone


a figure approaches

it's black,

formless,

and it floats down the hall

towards me


a vague sense of impending doom

floods my senses

and I'm unable to move

as the figure floats up to me

and my eyes catch the glint of steel


I'm bleeding out, now

holding my guts in my chest

as I call out for help

to the hundreds of other students

but I can't make a sound


my lips move,

but there's nothing coming out

and the color is fading

from my surroundings


the light, too is slowly fading

and I collapse to the floor

as the hundreds of students walk past me

completely oblivious

..and then I wake


**VI

.

.

things that

slither,


things that

fly ,


and hieghts

are pretty bad,

but


friends,

family,

fans,

acquaintances,

enemies

just simply forgetting

my existence

is by far

my worst fear

*****

.

.

I'm

drawn to the smoke

like a moth

to the flame


and I can't control myself

I have to take it into my lungs

until I'm lighter

than a fine piece of cloth


you see, things are just better

if you look at them from the right angle


and it helps to get a good bit

of "**** it" in my system

to deal with life's tangles


**X