(Amber and boyfriend are having dinner at her home. She is in the kitchen.)

BF: "Amber, its starting to rain, do you have an umbrella?"
Amber:" Yes'ssss."(brushing hair off of forehead))
BF: "Where is it?"
Amber: "Outside"(brush-brush)
BF: Why is it outside?"
Amber: "It's not raining in the house!"
BF:(To himself) I'll give her that one.

(if anyone wants to copyright this one-have at it!)

A guy named Jim from Delaware
Liked golfing in his underwear
Whatdya know and son of a gun
He finally got a hole-in-one
Guess he'll hafta get anotha pair!

.

I sought the opinion
of a sharp dressed guy
selling sunbeams
by the side of the road

He told me
if I wanted to succeed
I should sell sunglasses
across the street

I took his advice
and as soon as I opened
he held a huge sale
on clouds

Looking over at me
he winked, pointed up
and the rains came…
I hate salesman

From pre-historic Lucy
Down the Great Wall of China
To the billions of today,
It's all
Owed to a ******.

Will and Kate,
Take my advice,
To give your new girl
A lovely life.
Choose a moniker
That'll be a thrilla,
Elizabeth, Victoria,
Diana as the middle,
Those are fine,
But not Camilla.

As one who's born in England
There is something I don't know
Exactly what is "cricket" ?
Please tell me so I'll go

Both teams dress in white
The bowler doesn't bowl
He doesn't bend his arm to throw
I don't understand the goal

The ball goes out it scores six runs
But it must go in the air
The ball rolls out it scores four more
Is this really fair?

The games can last for days and days
But what confuses me
Is that every game at four o'clock
The players stop for tea

A game is called a test
But is every test a game
some may last for just one day
The length is not the same

There's a throw they call a googly
I know what that means
I got hit there playing hockey
It ***** your breath so you can't scream

There's wickets and there's bails
mid slips, and those silly stumps
I'm sure that if it confuses me
What does it do to umps?

The biggest question that I have
Besides, what's a sticky wicket?
Is of all the players on the field
Which one of them's the cricket?

I figured that the best person
To speak on who i was
is me, because of all my friends
i feel the greatest loss

i lose the chance to grow old and
spend more time with my wife
i feel i disappointed her
by not completing all my life

i think i was a funny guy
i gave more than i took
although you all may disagree
please take another look

i lived my life on my own terms
having married, only twice
i kept my temper mostly
and i think, i'm rather nice

i like to have a laugh or two
and spend time with a drink
i write about my feelings
i write down what i think

but, when all is said and done in life
from all that i can see
the best one to speak on how i was
in my defence....is me!

A pity Yvonne alas has passed on in a most regrettable way.
She wasn't quite a snit cuz she jus couldn't ****
and hadn't been many a day.
So she sent Ernie out for enimas no doubt
and while he was still on the road,
Yvonne took a chance by dropping her pants while running toward the commode.
In a tangle of jeans, frustrated screams and a splintering bathroom door,
Her *** met the glass as intestinal gas burst forth with a thunderous roar.
The bowl couldn't take the force of the quake,
It rained down like porcelain Hail.
Some people say five miles away it hit six on the Richter scale.
I miss dear Yvonne, now that she's gone, taken from us much too soon.
Sometimes I cry as I gaze up in the sky and wave and she orbits the moon.

Over a cup of morning java
Scanning my daily mail
I came upon an advertisement sheet
That exclaimed in BOLD rainbow pastel

Grand opening of a store that has everything
On the corner of Daisy and William Tell
The one thing I saw that interested me
Is they were having a back to "60's"  Hippie sale

Of course I stopped what it was I was doing
Hopped in my Lexus and left right away
The excitement had my heart all in a flutter
This I guarantee is going to be a good day

They weren't kidding when they said they sold it all
I'd been wandering the store for quite a while
That's when I came to what it was I had come here for
Before me in trippy little colors, the hippie aisle

So I bought me a couple colorful hippies
With my 25% coupon I was able to save
The Hippies even  came with a bonus
Fresh cut flowers and Jefferson Airplane tapes

When I got home I showed them to their room
Black light posters and colored beads hung from the door
As luck would have it I bought an Indian hemp rug
From Pier One just the day before

They taught me transcendental meditation
While I taught them both how to bathe
Their lessons broadened the mind
My lessons the nostrils saved

I soon had a groovy little hippie pad
In which organic vegetables and enlightenment grew
We'd sit around crossed legged in a  purple haze at night
Playing psychedelic tunes on our Kazoo's
And I was pretty good too! Who Knew!

Yes, a house of happy hippies
Is a happy hippie house indeed
Especially when Wendy Crystal Sky...Yes, that's her name
Brews her famous dandelion tea

I highly recommend the purchase of hippies
I couldn't be any happier with mine
Sure beats the punk rockers I got on close out last year
But that my friend is another tale for another time...