Maybe I should **** someone
or better yet, I should just
**** myself.

I carve the words
So carefully into my skin
The words that you say
Hurt me within
You say there just words
And they can do no harm
But look at my skin
I guess you were wrong

Death to me is a scary but
normal thought in my head.
I feel unreal when someone
mentions that I will not be
alive in a billion years when
so many things could be
happening.

Death is unreal to me.
When someone I know dies it
differs in my brain as to
how I react.
Sometimes I will do nothing for
days on end and I'll just sit
in my sadness and tell myself
that the world has ended.
Other times I go on like
nothing is wrong.

My panic attacks usually
set in when I think things are
getting good again.
I feel lost and unreal
and I start to panic
in many, many ways.

Is that music is my head or
actual music playing?
Is someone talking?
Where? Aren't I alone?
My vision is blurry
my heart is racing
my mind is going
i   n   s    a    n     e.

Sometimes it is a bit worse.
I start attacking my heart.
The things I love= gone.
None of it matter.
She never loved you
What do you mean?
Your family hates you
Why would they?
You aren't pretty
But I was told several times today that I was.

Life feels unreal
and so does
everything
else.

me girl in the mask
performing my role accomplishing my task
I strive for things that are useless and vain
but deep inside I'm filled with pain

She gives me self-confidence and I wear it with pride
she protects me with shelter, a safe place to hide

wherever I go, she's always so near protecting me at all costs, she has no fear

Trying to feel what it was, like feelings you can't even remember, holding someone close, loving her tender

A little while ago, I let her in, and she became part of me like a second layer of skin.

And yet so painful but also superior to me
I'm much more than the girl I thought that I ever could be
she knows no weakness and offers no surrender, holds her values high to any offender

Boys and girls
Let's talk about
your favourite food,
places and
things

I'm going to record a video now
Look at the camera
and speak
3...2...1

Silence.

One pulls a funny face
The other hides - too shy
All giggle

"I'm ready to say something,"
she exclaims

"I saw my parents having a big fight last night,"

Silence.

She gleams
I cringe - a little
All giggle

I've felt these chills
I've felt these aches
I've felt the burning
And I shake
For I've never felt this
All at once
So suddenly
So brutally
Incomprehensible
The trauma by body has endured
The sleepless nights and
Thousands of pills
And dreams of blood and spite
So here I sit in the light of a
Broken chandelier
With my esophagus burning
And my stomach churning
And my head pounding
Pounding like a heavy lock on an
Expensive door
An expensive door to an
Enormous house
Where no one can hear my screams
My moans
My "I can't do this"s and my
Shrieks of angst
And for what
For what
For love?
For happiness?
For purpose?
I haven't smiled in five years
And I can't recollect a pleasant day
A day when nothing mattered
A day when a day was just a day
But here my stomach cries again
And again the gurgles and cracking
And the unfathomable pain
But it's not unfathomable
Because I've felt it all before