Perhaps, I am getting wiser
in my slightly graying days;

Learning that it is not the pain
itself that causes the most grief.
It is the anticipations, and attempts
to avoid future events
that may bring it.

Sorrow is of the past,
future suffering
may never actually come into being,

and reflecting on all of that
detracts from the pleasure that
I could be taking in the present moment.

Life is layers of songs,
written deeply on,
thin skin and deeper
strands that are the keepers
of essential secrets
that I don’t know
how to read.

It is unexpected
not predirected
but moving in
its own directions
at its own pace.

It is as sweet as
sugar cane,
and as bitter as
the tea leaves,

seeing us coming in,
swimming then
drowning
as we leave.

Life is more
than my poetry
can portray,
this game I play
trying to make
gold from clay
as chaos reigns.

No matter how
I try to explain,
it is such a shame,
life is only
temporary.

It’s been years
since I lived on the road,
a gas station *****
searching for something
delicious and caffeinated,
to get me to the next place
I was scheduled to work in,
or be a last-minute replacement.

Spending a lot of time
with vending machines,
and gas station attendants,
making jokes and wishing
to do a little more sleeping,
and a lot less driving.

I was just surviving,
check to check,
barely one step
from being so broke
that I couldn’t even make it
to the hotel where I was staying.

Complimentary breakfasts,
per diem late evening
hamburger breaks,
adding to the weight
of my already exploding gut.

It wasn’t much,
but enough
to get me here,
to a steady job
and regular sleep schedule.

The night is a portrait,
of quietness,

such sad silence
punctuated by
loud lamp lights
that brighten
empty sidewalks.

This used to be
the bustling streets
of a busy city,

but now I only see
spectral memories,
people passing
like smokey figures
that dissipate
on a windy day.

Everyone has gone,
upped and moved on
from this listless existence,
while I have become
the dumb one,
stuck in the mud
like a big red truck
unable to roll away
or back towards yesterday.

So, I look longingly
at everything
that can no longer be,
and mourn the loss
of all of those
possibilities.

The radio doesn’t work.
It no longer distracts me
when I am driving
or obscures the thoughts
that used to hurt a lot.

I got new devices to
help me get through
dealing with what
American dummies
love to do.

Cellphone, laptop,
PlayStation four,
fun apps that
let me read
comic books,
watch TV,
and really good
movies.

In the race to resist
having to deal with
all the pain
we are all feeling,
I am killing it.

Don’t need chemicals
to fog or blackout,
don’t need to party
to ignore that nagging doubt,

I just fill every second with
modern tech ****,

so I can take my feelings
and turn the volume
down on all of them.

I used to know
more than one
super beautiful
poet goddess.

But in my old age,
and these late days
I can barely recall
a trace of their face.

There was the
beautiful blond
from some
far away
Estonia like place,
or was it actually
Estonia?

There was the wild
brown haired
young poet
whose Tumblr
is no longer there.

Then a friend
I’d chat with
almost every day,
she stopped talking to me
and that is ok.
I hope her life is great;
Just like the other two,
I cannot remember her name.

I only recall
the passion of their poetry,
not even the words themselves
just an inkling
of the embers
they stoked in me,
inspiring neurons firing
to make poems.

I am certain I would know them,
if I saw them.

But for now
they are lost echoes
of nostalgia.

It’s shift change,
and pit stains
paint my blue shirt.

My feet hurt,
and I’m ready to leave work,
but the teenage party ****
doesn’t come in,
so of course I
am not leaving,
just grieving
my lost evening
freedom.

Sixteen-hour anxiety,
cause I almost O.D.
on carbonated caffeine,
as the sugar and acid
eat away
causing
painful tooth decay.

Make it home and hope to
get enough sleep to
make it through
my next shift.

Unload those greasy clothes
onto my bathroom floor
before I change into
my holy t-shirt and
ripped up shorts.
Don’t even make it to the shower
cause I am out in less than
a quarter of an hour
after I enter the front door.

In again, wash, and repeat,
I know this isn’t me.
I could do so much more.

Boss yells get your times down!
Fix this order!
Stop lounging,
if you got time to lean,
ya got time to clean.”

My co-workers only see
another cog
in the fast-food machine.
Even when I’m not clowning,
I am still a joke to them.

So, tired but it’s not just
sleep that I need.
So, burnt out that
I just want to up and leave,
but I’m twenty-three
and it won’t be
till I am twenty-eight
that I get free,
running off to another city
to get a higher degree
and escape this restaurant
barely get paid
minimum wage
nightmare.

It's not that I hate you
It's I hate the way it all played out

I hate that I felt used
I hate that I had felt hope

I hate that you ruined everyone else for me

I hate that I can't love someone that same way I loved you

Like the world was gonna crash down around me without your kiss

I hate that you still make me rethink every choice I make

Is it morally sound
Is it logical
Will I regret it right after

You did so much damage
Even during the parts you weren't even in my life

The emptiness of not having you then made me do so many bad things

The absolute dread of the day to day without you use to drive me crazy

That's one thing that's improved
I  know how to live without you

I know how to miss you and not love you

I know how to hate you and not hate you all at once

You're the start to my story
Even if it was already in the middle

On a good or bad day
there is almost nothing
I have to do or say.

I get to wake up
and shake up
my world view
as I observe
all the strange
things you do.

I get to go to work
but if I choose
not to do
that
then I can loose
my decent paycheck.

I could hurt myself
or try to be better.
I could communicate
or be incommunicado
and stay embittered.

I don’t have to be nice,
but if I want to brighten
my own and someone
else life
then I can try.

In fact the only thing
that is not up to me
is that I
do not have immortality.
Eventually, I will die
not matter how hard I try.