So cautious
To make me feel comfortable
Make me feel at ease

In a way it is great
I do think she understands me
Even when all there is to understand
Is just from watching me be

In a way it makes things worse as well
For she sees right though me
Gives me choices
I don't know what to do with those
I'm not used to choosing for me

It's all with care
And I don't think I've ever
Received such great amounts
From any friend
Or maybe anybody

Yes
Hugs are sometimes awkward for me
But I still can enjoy them
If with someone gentle
Who is not doing this
To make me feel worse
Instead of better

It was okay to hug her
Actually
It was nice
This is not something that usually happens

Care
Kindness
...
It's strange for me
I don't know how to act
I wasn't as light and funny
As I hoped to be

She was still
Trying to figure me out
Making me wonder if
The mask I thought I choose perfectly
Was actually transparent
And had misplaced Googly eyes

And for the first time ever
When I went to be alone for a second
Someone came to look for me
And asked me if I was okay

She's so careful
I want her to be comfortable
I don't want her to feel like
Or rather
Know
That I can't be calm and normal

I want to thank her
I really do
But speaking words
Is a difficult task
Especially when they mean something

I love you in the morning,
I love you through the night,
I love you when I fight,
I love you when I tried and failed,
I love you in the light,
I love you in the dark,
I love you through the moon and back,
I love you through hard times,
I love you even if we break apart,
I love you when you’re here,
I love you when you’re there,
I love you even when you’re gone,
I love you everywhere.
I love you every moment--

I love you…

I was planning to
I really wanted to
I wanted her to know
I wanted to be able to tell her
About why I bleed
And about my father
But my mouths betrays me
It refuses to say these things outloud
Why?

Just say it
I tell myself
You describe it so well in your head
Why can't you speak it?
Why did you stay silent?

Now the moment is over
Once again
You said nothing
And still
No one knows

Not even your closest of friends
Why?
You want them to know
You want to lighten the load
They can speak it so well outloud
They trusted me
Why can't I trust them?
I can
But I won't

Tears roll down my cheeks
She's asleep
She doesn't see
And if she would
I wouldn't even be able to tell her why
How sad is that?

Die
Hmm
Am I putting it in this poem just so it will ryme?
Or because that's what I want to do
But no
I don't
I can't
And I won't
I shouldn't let myself think such thoughts

I missed my chance to be open
I missed my chance to Infront of people
For what feels like the first time in a long time
I missed my chance to show them
All the reasons why
Because my mouth can't express
All that I need to express
Like poetry

Let's just say
I opened my heart
I would smell the anxiety
Fear
Love
Pain

But I wonder
If anyone else would
But I think not
Because when it was closed
No one cared
Or wondered what's really going on in there

So now what now?
It just gets hurt more easily?
I don't need any more of that

I stitch it back up
Now the air smells of nothing important
Fake smiles
"I'm okay"'s
Covered up opinions
Feelings
Screams

I guess it's better that way

you don’t have to ask
it’s one of those things
we learn in school
you know, fun facts?
a scorpion stings,
the sky is blue,
and i love you
and i love you

i generally didn't know it was possible to feel this much pain












i guess you truly were my first of everything

It is still so new,

I'm disconcerted, sitting --


here waiting for you.

I lost my wallet again
Frustration. Frustration!
I'm so disorganized
I need a different brain

           Maybe Spain