I sit alone in my car
and the music is blaring
so I can scream all the lyrics
soaked with the pain I'm feeling

I am ready for bed.
I am ready to sleep.
Please let me Rest In Peace.

Suddenly the gorgeous blue sky is making you mad
Suddenly the wind in your hair reminds you of what you can't have
Suddenly you can see yourself laying on the road in front of you
Suddenly your friends make you tired
Suddenly the alcohol doesn't taste as good and the high is gone
And suddenly, you're in a low.
And you feel like going slow.
And you don't care to know.
And you just wanna go.
Home.

I wonder
Do you feel the same things I do
When we walked in the darkness
With only our little candles to guide us

If my flame flickers
Will you wait to see what is in store
Or will you tell me
“Hold it like this a little more”

When the wax burns my hand
Will you tell me to man up
It’ll go away
But do you know I’m allergic?

When my light begins to fade
Only to dissipate
when I have no lighter to help myself
Will you lean in with your flame?
Will you give me your fire for a split second so mine can begin again?
Or will you say “I got you next time”
“I’ve just got too much on my plate”?

What if there’s no next time?
Because that disappearing flame was the only life source.
Because my demons keep blowing it out.
Because i can’t see without it.
Because i can’t see the paths, or why to continue moving.  
Because without it I can’t see why to stay here.

Nothing is painful.
Nothing is pleasurable.
Nothing is anything.

It is dull.
Quiet.
Gray.
There is no black and white, because is doesnt matter.
It's all the same.

There is no color, not even sepia toned.
There is nothingness.
Blackness.
No feeling.
Nothing at all.

More often than Not.
I am in my own thoughts.

They tend to freak me out.
They always make me doubt.

I doubt myself,
I doubt everyone else.

I doubt my friends,
And I wonder when we will end.

And when I'm in a group,
I simply turn to soup.

I move wherever they push me,
and absently agree.

I when I try to talk,
I mess up so much they gawk.

When someone says I am easy to get along with,
I dont tell them its because I am liquid, sliding along their width.

I simply go with the flow,
Allowing them to think they know.

Sunday I worked early in the morning. I did nothing more.
Monday I went to school, then to my hotel where my keycard wouldn't open my door.
Tuesday I competed in my contest, thought I did quite well.
Wednesday we got the results and I went swimming. Turns out I didnt do so swell.
Thursday I went to school again, then I went to work. I learned night shift.
Friday I didnt have school, so instead I did nothing but sit.
Saturday I worked the morning then sat down to write. I still dont know what I'm writing or if this a good bit.

Have you ever grieved a relationship...
One that hasn't actually happened?

One you've hoped for,
Dreamed for even.

To grieve my person
While they stand beside me holding my hand...
Is a wild experience.

I wanted everything.
With you.
I want none without.

And though you want me,
It's not the same.
It's not enough.

I ask for something...
You say you'll give it.
Then you forget.

I ask for something...
You say you'll give it.
Then you give it to the person next to me.

I want everything with you.
You want everything.

How do I grieve what I can't have?
Never had with you,
Yet dreamed in my head...

How do I accept your love,
The way you want to give it to me?
When I want so much more?

I guess I just have to let that dream go...