Everyone says I'm thriving.
When really I am drowning
just barely making ends meets
Rushing and rushing and pushing and pushing
finally done
except I'm not.
It's never done it's never over
and I have to keep pushing
when all I want to do is sleep.

And nobody really knows
just how much I'm trying to float
but its doesn't really matter
because even if they knew,
there'd be nothing they could do.

So I just have to keep pushing
until next week,
next week will be better
but then next week comes.
And I tell myself I just have to get through this week.
Next week will be better.
Tomorrow will be better.
Except it won't.

I can not try anymore.
I'm ready to give up,
because this is too tough.
So I cannot try anymore.

                          I cannot try anymore.
                          I'm experiencing burnout,
                          And still not doing enough.
                          So I cannot try anymore.

I have no more to give.
This has ****** the life out of me.
Between the pandemic and life,
Work and school,
I am spread way too thin.
So I cannot try anymore.

I sit alone in my car
and the music is blaring
so I can scream all the lyrics
soaked with the pain I'm feeling

I am ready for bed.
I am ready to sleep.
Please let me Rest In Peace.

Suddenly the gorgeous blue sky is making you mad
Suddenly the wind in your hair reminds you of what you can't have
Suddenly you can see yourself laying on the road in front of you
Suddenly your friends make you tired
Suddenly the alcohol doesn't taste as good and the high is gone
And suddenly, you're in a low.
And you feel like going slow.
And you don't care to know.
And you just wanna go.
Home.

I wonder
Do you feel the same things I do
When we walked in the darkness
With only our little candles to guide us

If my flame flickers
Will you wait to see what is in store
Or will you tell me
“Hold it like this a little more”

When the wax burns my hand
Will you tell me to man up
It’ll go away
But do you know I’m allergic?

When my light begins to fade
Only to dissipate
when I have no lighter to help myself
Will you lean in with your flame?
Will you give me your fire for a split second so mine can begin again?
Or will you say “I got you next time”
“I’ve just got too much on my plate”?

What if there’s no next time?
Because that disappearing flame was the only life source.
Because my demons keep blowing it out.
Because i can’t see without it.
Because i can’t see the paths, or why to continue moving.  
Because without it I can’t see why to stay here.

Nothing is painful.
Nothing is pleasurable.
Nothing is anything.

It is dull.
Quiet.
Gray.
There is no black and white, because is doesnt matter.
It's all the same.

There is no color, not even sepia toned.
There is nothingness.
Blackness.
No feeling.
Nothing at all.

More often than Not.
I am in my own thoughts.

They tend to freak me out.
They always make me doubt.

I doubt myself,
I doubt everyone else.

I doubt my friends,
And I wonder when we will end.

And when I'm in a group,
I simply turn to soup.

I move wherever they push me,
and absently agree.

I when I try to talk,
I mess up so much they gawk.

When someone says I am easy to get along with,
I dont tell them its because I am liquid, sliding along their width.

I simply go with the flow,
Allowing them to think they know.

Sunday I worked early in the morning. I did nothing more.
Monday I went to school, then to my hotel where my keycard wouldn't open my door.
Tuesday I competed in my contest, thought I did quite well.
Wednesday we got the results and I went swimming. Turns out I didnt do so swell.
Thursday I went to school again, then I went to work. I learned night shift.
Friday I didnt have school, so instead I did nothing but sit.
Saturday I worked the morning then sat down to write. I still dont know what I'm writing or if this a good bit.