It's Mental Illness, Innit Love?

Sep 2

Alexis K

I cried

Today I cried.
I cried before work silently.
The tears raced down my cheeks.
Winners were licked off my lips.
My cheeks tightened, my eyes puffed.
Today I cried.
I cried at work silently.
Frustration making my lashes clump.
Heat coursed through my fingertips.
My eyes bloodshot then, tissues used.
I cried.

I cried because I'm so tired of existing. I don't choose to wake up, I just... do.

#depression #exhaustion #mentalillness #fatigue

Sep 2

Alexis K

Lonely

Definition: without companions; solitary, or sad because one has no friends or company.
Example: this author

#lonely #socialanxiety

Sep 2

Alexis K

Partner

I am the partner.
The partner that reminds you,
You're doing a good job.
Especially when all you can do is get out of bed.

The partner that drives to get your safe food,
After a long day of work so that you eat.
The partner that checks in regularly.
The partner that will always take care of you.

I am the partner.
The partner that slowly falls apart.
Because I will only always take care of you.

Sep 2

Alexis K

I know

That's it is hard.
To see me like this.
Have you reminded yourself recently.
That I don't want to be like this?

Sep 2

Alexis K

Return To Sender

This longing that is constant is not what I expected.
The weight of existing is a shotgun pointed at my temple.
Sometimes breathing and eating require too much.
The anxiety and detrimental stress consume me.

Return To Sender.
Please...

Sep 2

Alexis K

Waves

Crashing against the rocks.
                Washing away the sand.
                             Weathering it to glass.

Depression is like waves.
                  And I am already glass.

I am tired today.

#depression #anxiety #glass #fragile

Sep 2

Alexis K

Selfish

I know I am.
For ignoring, for forgetting.
For not caring.
I'm sorry.

I'm just fighting to survive.
It's hard to wake up.
It's hard to sleep.
I know it's selfish, but I have to focus on surviving.

#depression #sad #exhausted

Sep 2

Alexis K

Pause

I don't want to die
But I don't want to live.

If the world could just pause
So I could simply exist.

#depression #sad

Sep 2

Alexis K

Sleep

I'm so tired
But I can't sleep

My eyes burn
But I can't sleep

Sep 2

Alexis K

Tired

My heart is beating in my chest.
In my head.
In my fingertips.
My tummy is cramping and the pillow is making noise.

I can't get the pillow to keep quiet,
I can't keep my head from pounding with the thumping of my heart.
The porch light sears it's way through the blinds and blackout curtains.
Snores surround me from my partners.

But I can't get the pillow to keep quiet.
I push my head harder into the bed.
But the throbbing of my heart travels to my toes.
Why is my heart so loud?
Why is the light so bright?
Why won't the pillow keep quiet?
I'm tired.

#overwhelmed #exhaustion

Sep 2

Alexis K

Sick

Have you ever wanted to *****,
Just so the discomfort wasn't entirely in your head?
Would it feel more real then?

Sep 2

Alexis K

Love Me

I wish I believed.
That it was easy to love me.

Because it's easy to love you.
Hurt and all.
But it seems like so much more work to love me.

I'm sorry I'm not easier to love.

Sep 2

Alexis K

Rest of My Life

When everyday feels like this.
I cant imagine living the rest of my life.
Fighting this hard just to survive.

If this is the rest of my life.

I wish I didn't exist.

I wish I could be erased from the hearts of those who love me.
That I could never have to deal with trauma that is my mind.
That the people I so dearly love wouldn't be affect by my lack of time.

The gravity of this feeling in my body,
Outweighs the guilt I feel for thinking it.
The desire to just be nothing, courses through my bones.

If this is the rest of my life.
I have three reasons to stay.
Three people who love me, and wouldn't have their life any other way.
But if this is the rest of my life.

I will always struggle.
I will always be fighting, every day.
I will always be exhausted.
By the time I wake up in the morning.

If this is the rest of my life.
I will always wish the younger me was strong enough to act.
I'll wish I made the decision before I had my three reasons,
For the rest of my life.