Because there's
Fire along my skin.
Ice shards in my lungs.
War in my head.
I've anvils for feet.
Air feels like water.
I'm drowning, unable to move.
Paralyzed in life.
"Guess I didn't sleep well again."

It's hard to fall out of love with someone
You never really loved.
But it's hard to love someone I've never known.

How could I fall in love with a shell? Someone who never is themself?
I don't know what they like,
What they want, or dream about.

I don't think I've ever really met them.
But here I am again.
Because I may never meet myself.
I may never know who I am.
So how could I love a stranger?

I am the partner.
The partner that reminds you,
You're doing a good job.
Especially when all you can do is get out of bed.

The partner that drives to get your safe food,
After a long day of work so that you eat.
The partner that checks in regularly.
The partner that will always take care of you.

I am the partner.
The partner that slowly falls apart.
Because I will only always take care of you.

That's it is hard.
To see me like this.
Have you reminded yourself recently.
That I don't want to be like this?

I know I am.
For ignoring, for forgetting.
For not caring.
I'm sorry.

I'm just fighting to survive.
It's hard to wake up.
It's hard to sleep.
I know it's selfish, but I have to focus on surviving.

I'm so tired
But I can't sleep

My eyes burn
But I can't sleep

My heart is beating in my chest.
In my head.
In my fingertips.
My tummy is cramping and the pillow is making noise.

I can't get the pillow to keep quiet,
I can't keep my head from pounding with the thumping of my heart.
The porch light sears it's way through the blinds and blackout curtains.
Snores surround me from my partners.

But I can't get the pillow to keep quiet.
I push my head harder into the bed.
But the throbbing of my heart travels to my toes.
Why is my heart so loud?
Why is the light so bright?
Why won't the pillow keep quiet?
I'm tired.

Have you ever wanted to *****,
Just so the discomfort wasn't entirely in your head?
Would it feel more real then?