I stood at her bedside quietly.
She looked peaceful.
She looked happy.
I held my siblings' shoulder as they cried.
I knew it would be hard for them.
I would be there for them.

It was just twenty minutes ago.
I had looked over, her oxygen tube was no longer moving.
Not in the rhythmic way it does when she breathes.
It was still, still as stone.
I swallowed thickly before speaking aloud.
My mom was quick to get up to make sure.
I hesitated before following her over.

I now waited for my little sister to take a breath.
Her sobs racked her body and I rubbed her shoulder.
They'd never lost someone before.
It wouldn't be goodbye forever,
but for a while.

They both said goodbye with sobs.
I stayed there quietly.
She looked tranquil.
No pain.
No worry.

~

I was the only child to attend the viewing.
She looked cold this time.
Pale, a little blue.
And yet still so beautiful.
She was only in a cardboard box.
I'd wished we brought nail polish.
I believe my my mom said goodbye there.
I stayed quiet.
I never said goodbye.

I wish I would have just said goodbye.
I wish she would've taken more pictures.
I wish I knew more about her.
I wish she never got cancer.
I wish I would have just said goodbye.
I wish she never smoked.
I wish the cancer never metastasized.
I wish she was here.
I wish I would have just said goodbye.
I wish I didn't have to take care of her with my mom at 15.
I wish she never became weak.
I wish she stayed healthy.
I wish I would have just said goodbye.
I wish I would have cried.
I wish I would have felt.
I wish I would have just said goodbye.

Goodbye grandma.
I love you.
But it isn't goodbye forever.....
Right?

I think you'd be proud of me.
I own a house, and a car.
I live in a neighborhood that waves to you just because you're their neighbor.
I just wish you could be here.
18 years doesn't seem too long when I barely knew you.
But the rest of my life sounds forever.
Forever until I can see you again.

It's a beautiful morning.
"But it's been raining most of it."
It's a beautiful sunny day.
"But I have news that will ruin today."

A mother ripped from her infant, and three other young children.
A mother who will never get to see her children get married or graduate.
A mother who had fought and won battles her entire life.
Finally lost.

It's a beautiful morning to send her on her way.
Now, instead of rain, family tears will pave the way.

"I would never miss your wedding!"
Too bad it wasn't your choice to make.
If only we had it earlier today.
Before you had been taken away.