Normally, at this hour of night, I'm fragile and emotional and yearning for reinforcement.

Tonight? No.t at. all.

Tonight, I'm on fire.

Tonight, I realize that I have what you want. Rather, I am what you want.

You may not be aware of it, you may be in denial. It doesn't matter. Because I know it.

I realize that I provide for you so much more than you give to me. I am a rock, a shield, and a dose of reality; all on demand!

I would say you are lucky to have what I provide, but it isn't luck. It's choice. A choice I make, daily. A choice that has little to do with you.

If you don't have need of me tonight, so be it. It's not my loss; it's yours.

Tonight, I know the truth. You need me. You may not want me. You may not be proud of the fact that it is so. You may wish I was hipper, hotter, or more adventurous. But it doesn't change the fact that you need me.

It's not the other way around. It could be. But you have to work at it.

I know the truth, and the truth has set me free,

Pain. It's what's on my mind this morning.

Not because I'm hurting. I'm not. Really, I'm not.

I am, instead, wanting to express my appreciation for pain.

Because, really, for a certain range of outcomes, pain is freakin' awesome.

Pain helps you establish limits. What better way to know when to stop than to have an emotionally or physically evocative reminder to do so?

Pain is a sign of loss. The loss of inhibitions. The loss of restraint. The loss of things that weighed you down. Loss, too, can be great.

Pain reminds you of the value of joy. What sweetness can we have in joy if there wasn't something to contrast?

I am through running from pain.

I no longer avoid; I embrace.

Bring on the pain, for only then can I know that I am living a life worth living.

Some days, I can't handle it.

I want to say things. Sweet things. Promises and pardons, compliments carefully crafted, and dreams shared without pause.

Other days, I want to say things of a different persuasion.

Inflammatory things.

Things to excite.

Commands and urges, excited utterances, explicit descriptions, and whispered secrets.

My job is to write, to craft speech, and my passion is how words are used.

Is it any surprise that words strain my limits, fighting to come out?

So, if you wonder why I didn't say what was on my heart, you can know it wasn't because I didn't have the desire.

Some words have consequences.

One day, I will accept those consequences as a necessary result of showing all of me.

Today is not that day.

I have lived most of my life believing that I was not desirable by those who I desired. It was easier that way.

Every so often, I would let myself believe otherwise.

Stupid, stupid me.

The reason why you build walls is to keep the nasty things out, to keep them where they can't hurt you.

You worked very hard to get me to lower my walls. I didn't even realize you were doing it until it was done.

I didn't realize it was a game to you, because it was not a game to me.

You made me feel worthy. You made me feel elite. You made me believe.

That's not really what you wanted. Like a dog chasing a car, you didn't know what to do with me once you caught me.

When you pulled back the curtain, I couldn't help but feel blind. It took time to regain my bearings.

I'd say I'm back to normal now, with one thing changed: I see the truth.
I may be worthy, but not in your eyes.

Your actions didn't hurt me; you kept your promise. Your inaction, on the other hand, eats me from within.

I am trying to be stronger; to not need others to feel what I want to feel. You, with your games, helped me with that.

I also learned a greater truth: it doesn't matter what they think. And for that, I thank you.

You know me.

Which, in and of itself, should not be surprising. I told you all my secrets. When I was at my worst, you yelled at me. When I was betrayed, you picked me up.

You know me.

Which, really, when I think about it, scares me. I can't hide from you. You already know what I am thinking. You even know why I am thinking it. Around you, I feel rather exposed.

You know me.

Yet, for some reason, I think you like what you see. That's what boggles my mind. You see much deeper within and still, you aren't recoiling. In fact, you are coming closer.

You know me.

I don't know what do with your affection. It's subtle, because I want it to be subtle. It's consistent, because I need it to be consistent. I don't know what it means, and that keeps me awake at night.

You know me.

And yet still, you come.