Nearly a year, a million tears.
Flooded by memories
breached dams of distances.

Is it the wine that makes me honest?
Brings out the feelings?
Make me want to call you,
tell you everything?

So many tears,
only a year.

I remember when
that song came on
we danced like fools
(well, we were).

I remember then
the summer gone
we broke all the rules
(we were sure).

I remember when
I got the phone call
I forgot how to cry
(you were gone).

I remember then
sitting against the wall
why did you have to die
(you became dawn)?

i used to love his laugh
dream about his eyes
long for his kiss

now i despise his smile
dream about his demise
revenge on my lips

The lights flickered, went out
my world turned upside down.
Memories I've forgotten to forget about
form an ocean in which I drown.

Walls around me collapse
images of you wash over me.
I suffocate with this relapse
of a distant memory.

Words left unspoken
tears spilled into the tide.
Nothing left me more broken
rubbing raw a tender hide.

Never so easily replaced
never to be forgotten.
All the kisses I still taste
but feelings have gone rotten.

RUN
because of him i'm afraid not to
i cant fall again
because of him i won't do it
i can't let anyone get close
because of him i keep my distance

RUN
because of him

RUN
from him
from his memory

RUN
to him
RUN
into a wall

he's gone
he's gone

RUN
because of him
i won't love again
because of him i won't do it
i RUN from love
because of him i keep my distance

I'm running out of ways
to tell you
you've broken my heart
you break it more everyday.

You'll never run out of ways
to hurt me
when your eyes meet mine
when you smile in my direction.

I'm running out of ways
to miss you
the pictures wreak the same havoc
the memories are just as potent.

You'll never run out of ways
to use me
with the words you choose
with the lies you spew.

I'm running out of ways
to forget you
just when I think I've moved on
just when I lose your name.

You'll never run out of ways
to haunt me
with the memories we share
with the time we spent together.

We're running out of ways
to fall in love
with each day we don't talk
with every moment spent apart.

It started as a wind
rustling grasses, stirring up dust,
it ended as a lightning strike
cracking the sky, igniting a fire.

Flowers bent by force, scorched by heat.
Trees black from flame, dead from being parched.
Skies dark from smoke, lit by flashes.

The world around, scarred

the girl in the middle, scared

I’m going to make this a laugh
because that’s what it is.
You’re smart, cute, and charming,
everything for that I wish.

But there is one thing in the way,
a girlfriend,
“together since high school”
or so you say.

Me and her,
that girl you’re with,
we have the same occupation,
but she, for you, changed location.

Think about the hobbit-like children we could have,
curly brown hair is not so bad.
With your “girlfriend” the kid would be a ginger
but with your button nose that might be cute, go figure.

Don’t you think we’d make a cute couple?
I know I do!
You’re tall, I’m short.
It’s a match of sorts.

Our children could be normal sized,
taller than me,
but shorter than you.
It’s a plan I’ve thought through.

The exchange in the hallway after lunch
was a little bit awkward, but I liked it a bunch!
Maybe tomorrow we can sit together
and, again, talk about the weather.

Your accent is adorable,
the way you say “about”
and various other words
that sound funny when they come out.

It’s a school girl crush
and I feel so silly
because I’m all grown up.
C’mon, Cassie, really?

It is my secret, hidden this
fever that boils under my skin.
Burning sensations through our kiss.
It is a secret, hidden this
heartache for a man I can't miss.
In a battle I can not win.
It is my secret, hidden this
fever that boils under my skin.

The one she thought she couldn’t live without
she has forced from her being.
The pain he inflicted, the tears he created
were not worth the will to survive.

She kept breathing
she kept walking
she kept living

She let go of the memories.
She forgot the kisses and  promises.
She burned the bridge back to him.

What she thought was love
was nothing close to hate,
but more of a longing for acceptance.

She won’t deny she’ll miss the feeling of being wanted
but it’s nothing compared to the self-respect she’s gained.

She's pretty.

I bet she's really nice, too.
Someone you can count on,
someone to help you through.

I've never met her,
and I don't really want to.
I don't want to get to know her.

What do you want me to do?
Fight for what I never had?
Fight for you?

I'm better off watching,
although I don't enjoy the view.
Not at all.

I wanted to love you.
I was ready to fall.
I was ready to give my all to you.

Now here I sit,
pining for something new,
other than this thought,

She's pretty.

I caught the sideways glances
you threw at me.
I imagine second chances.

With each look something advances,
something neither of us can see.
I caught the sideways glances.

With each smile, inside me, a feeling enhances,
a feeling I can't let be.
I imagine second chances.

Forgetting all the past romances
forever I am your devotee.
I caught the sideways glances.

Thoughts of you trap me in trances.
With a fear I'll never be free
I imagine second chances.

Remembering tonight throws my heart into dances.
I wonder what you thought of me.
I caught the sideways glances.
I imagine second chances.

The sunlight does not brighten
The warmth sends a chill.
The birds sing noise,
never song.
Darkness is a comfort,
silence company.

the sun glints off his wet, dark hair,
the breeze pulls at his sun-bleached, torn shirt,
the kelp brushes his cold, bare toes,
the salt sticks in his still lashes,
the waves reach for his lifeless body,

I watch from behind my rock,
my alcove,
my arch,

waves push my body against barnacled surface,

his first mistake was being alone,
his second was listening to my song,
his last was our kiss,

holding him against my lips,
underneath the white foam,
I took his last breath,
I'll never love again.

In my sleep,
dreams,
we are civil.
We are friends.

We laugh and smile like we used to.
We talk and share secrets.

You are no longer my enemy.
Someone I loathe

hate

In my sleep,
dreams,
we are not lovers again.
We are friends.

And that is all I ask for.

My heart won't slow down.
Blood pumps so fast
my face turns red,
hot.

My stomach won't settle.
Butterflies flutter
around in circles,
dizzying.

My heart won't slow down.
I'm feeling nausea
I want it to stop,
ease.

My stomach won't settle.
I feel nervous
I want to be calm,
relaxed.

My heart won't slow down.

Slinking in the dark,
Lying low,
Yearning to taste the hunt.
Freeing the wild instinct,
Opening up his senses,
X**-ray vision in the black night.

I try to build a wall
but each touch
each kiss
each sigh
brings a fire
that burns down every effort.

I try to separate the feelings
like you seem to
but each day
each week
each month
bring me closer
to every emotion I smother.

I worry you don't care
as much as I do.

I worry that there is someone else
you aren't telling me about.

I build this wall
I try to separate feelings
because I know there is something wrong.

Could this man be my soulmate?
He made me laugh,
without trying.
He let me talk
without defying.

Could I find attraction in him?
The way we fell in step
and the way it was so simple.
We may begin to ebb
or we could grow, begin to kindle.

Could he be my soulmate?
Maybe he's the stepping stone
leading me to my match.
For now I won't be alone
waiting for the flame to catch.

In this night sky
     pregnant with little lights
          love has a chance to last.

Tonight's sky so vast
     bringing more stars
          a chance for dreams to be cast.

I just have to say,
if things don't work out with her,
give me a call one day.

You know I'd find a way,
no matter where I might be at,
to go to you and there I would stay.

A few more words, if I may,
when the weather rolls in
and our skies become cloudy and grey

Under the covers with you I'd lay,
I wouldn't leave for just one storm,
with you forever I would stay.

the dream was so vivid
your arms wrapped around me
your breath on my neck
as you slept so soundly

i awoke with shock
expecting you beside me
your eyelids fluttering with sleep
as i turn to face you

the dream was so real
it hurt when my bed was empty
no dream can replace
what we once had

so i close my eyes
once again to hear your voice
as real as what once was
but will never be again

there was a stillness in the air.

no leaves rustled.
no frost crackled.

no air stirred.
no birds sung.

i didn't blink.
i didn't breathe.
i didn't feel my heartbeat.

there was a stillness in the air
to echo the lull within my chest.

no tears boiled atop my open eyelids.
no sobs escaped my tranquil lips.

there was stillness in the air.

You make me
a better person
a better friend
a better lover

But something holds me back
my past
my present
my future

I know with you I would
be safe
be warm
be loved

But there is something that is
stopping me

Sitting in
torture
under your thumb
calling your name
killing my soul.

Suddenly I feel as if
a supernatural power has taken me over.
When your eyes meet mine
I can make the world stop.
I can do anything
when you're near me.
I feel invincible
when I touch you.
I change the world
when I speak to you.
I have superpowers
as long as I have you.

How I remember you.
Your brown eyes,
your sweet smile.
The little things you cherished
from our days spent together.

How I remember you.
Your soft laugh,
your gentle touch.
The way you could tell me secrets
the ones you'd never tell anyone.

How I remember you.
The closer we got,
the further I fell.
You became my best friend
and the one who meant the world.

How I remember you.
The summer turned colder,
our nights grew shorter.
As the seasons changed around us
you grew to love another.

How I remember you.
The way you broke my heart,
the way you let me down.
It's not often I think of that summer
or the emotions you made me feel.

How I remember you.
Your brown eyes,
your sweet smile.
The little things I cherish
from our days spent together.

While we're young,
teach me how to live
with you by my side.

When you kiss me,
teach me how to breathe.
While you hold me,
teach me how to love.

When I cry,
I'll teach you how to care.
When I fall,
I'll teach you how to catch me.

As we grow old,
we'll teach each other
simply to be ourselves.

I think about that night often
remembering how it felt to be in your arms
and how it felt when you didn't stay the night.
The rush of emotion, hot and cold,
sweating and shivering.

I think about how you just left
forever changed by the passion we shared
but neither of us different for the better.
We loved one another more
but were left harder by the new feelings.

I think about that night often
remembering how it felt when you wanted me back
and how it felt to say I couldn't go through it again.
The rush of emotion, hot and cold,
knowing I should've said yes.

The sun still sets
and stills rises
without your "good night".

Miles away you sit
watching the same sun
but never thinking of me.

The moon rises
and lights up my room
and the empty pillow beside me.

The moon sets
making way for the sun
even without your "good morning".

"Happy"
She says to reassure herself.
She paints on a smile
and gets out of bed.

"Great"
She says to her friends.
She laughs when they laugh,
but cries for help inside.

"Yes"
She says to him as he takes her hand.
She'll smile when he does,
but she doesn't want him.

"Bye"
She says to the gun.
The note on the counter explains,
at least better then she could.

We both lost who we were
when we lost each other
an identity crisis of sorts
you grew a beard
I grew out my hair

When you turned away
we turned on each other
a 'look at me now' game
you went into a depression
I went on a rebound

Now neither of us smile
we took each other's with us
now no one else compares
to the love we had
or the hate we have left

Wind I can not feel
but hear atop the pines
brushes ripples across the water
at the sight I begin to cry
I am so tried, so weary
that the bird songs are a funeral march
and less a lullaby.

Cold breeze reaches my cheeks
freezing tears within my eyelids
the sudden pop of a tree startles me
but I do not feel fear
I only ache for a touch
something besides the rising light
something warm to cover me
someone to reassure me.

It is silence louder than nature
calling me to close my eyes
try to sleep through the wild
wind and water move
birds and dreams call
as the squirrels chirp I lie down
I give into the Mother.

As the woodpecker drums so does my heart
the wind has calmed if only a little
clouds hide the sun's warmth from my body.

There it is.

That feeling in the pit of my stomach.
An aching,
churning,
burning.

There they are.

Those tears that always follow that feeling.
A crying,
sobbing,
hurting.

There you were.

Telling me everything I didn't to hear.
A friend,
not lover,
not ever.

There I was.

Hearing everything I didn't want you to say.
A word,
a curse,
a bruise.

Here I am.

Trying to hold all the heartache in.
A break,
crack,
shatter.

If it wasn't me
then what was the reason
you stayed?

I spent so long
believing I was the reason
you stayed.

What else could it possibly be
that made you want to stay
when there's nothing else for
either of us but each other.

It's a lonely town
for people like us
when you stop coming around.

Don't complain to me
about how awful this place is
when you brought it upon yourself
you knew what this place was like.

If it wasn't me
then what was the reason
you stayed?

Do I love you for the right reasons,
or is it just your reputation
that has me so infatuated?
If you weren't what you are,
if you were simply you
would your smile still ease my mind?

I've set you on a pedestal
and I'd do anything for you,
to hear your laugh,
to see your smile,
to hear you speak,
to look into your eyes.
And still I wonder,
do I love you for the right reasons?

These past few days
I've been remembering our first ones.
You were different in so many ways.

What was once a lingering gaze
fades with each setting sun
these past few days.

You led me through your maze.
I really thought you could be "the one".
You were different in so many ways.

I've been struggling through a haze,
a mess of emotions come undone
these past few days.

Stuck in a constant daze
from utter happiness to none.
You were different in so many ways.

This hurt, you it did not faze.
Again, I am the loser, you have won.
These past few days
you were different in so many ways.

“Why do you fear the stars?” He asked, his hands in my hair.
“Because as they fall
They burn their brightest,” I said.

‘And what if you’re not there to catch me?’ I thought as his lips met mine.

There are some things a heart can't take.
One too many shooting stars
means one too many wasted wishes.
As beautiful as they may fall
there is sadness in their dying.
This is something a heart can't take.

There are some things a heart can't take.
One more dead bouquet  of flowers
means one more to pick up off the floor.
As fragrant as the petals once were
there are only brown leaves left behind.
This is something a heart can't take.

There are some things a heart can't take.
One more love walking away
means one more first lonely night.
As bright as the flame may have burned
there are scars left under the ashes.
This is something a heart can't take.

Last Sunday
I was curled up in bed
dreaming of you next to me.
Sharing a pillow,
sharing a kiss.

This Sunday
I want you curled up
next to me.
Sharing the space between your fingers
sharing the same feelings.

Next Sunday
I'll be curled up alone
cold spaces next to me.
Sharing my shivers,
sharing my tears.

the thoughts he shares
from miles away
implies he cares

when he was here
he shared the same
invoking in him fear

he took every word
cast them down
no more she heard

in the whispered night
sharing secrets
brought new light

he says he's coming back
it worries her
no emotion she may lack

for when he speaks
not knowing he lies
to the lonely girl he seeks

she carries each word
though she knows she shouldn't
most go unheard

he should be warned
each letter mouthed
she is warmed

it appears he cares
when he continues
with thoughts he shares

When it all piles up
the stack becomes unbearable
I want to light it all on fire
watch the flames lick the edges
watch the memories turn to ashes.

Instead I drench it in tears
snuffing out any spark
plunging myself back into the dark
where the world stop spinning
and time stands still.

Today I tasted you on my tongue
it was a strange sensation, it's been a year
coffee, peppermint, cigarettes
mingled once upon your lips when they met mine.

You were my ladder with a missing rung
the climb I would always fear
the fall I would always regret
we both know we were a waste of time.

The one before was my song unsung
he is the memory I hold so dear
the one true love I won't forget
after him, loving you was my only crime.

You knew his hand was where my heart hung
to you it was perfectly clear
the whole of me you would never get
now today I pay the fine.

This smile is so easy to paint
even when this mind is so faint

to curl up inside
to run and hide.

I need to leave
this tangled weave

of lies
of lies.

I run away in my sleep
only to wake and constantly weep

drowning in tears
confirming all fears.

Scared to lose
hurts to choose

to go
to go.

To my face
you were sweet
Behind my back
you were anything but

I put faith in your words

To my face
you paraded a smile
Behind my back
you displayed a smirk

I was coaxed by charm

To my face
your eyes were trusting
Behind my back
your lips betrayed

I returned your dally

To my face
you were a man
Behind my back
you were a boy

I wanted the gentleman

To my face
you can't hide
Behind my back
you will be alone

Tonight
is one of those nights
when I just need to stare at the ceiling.

When I over analyze a word,
a punctuation,
an emoticon,
in an email.

Tonight
is one of those nights.