i am washing my face
he still wont look at me
i am dancing to his music
he still wont look at me
i am timidly talking to him
he still wont look at me
i am watching him talk with you
he watches you so carefully
i wonder what he sees
when he holds your gaze considerably

when I say
I want to run away
please take me seriously
when i say i feel alone
please reassure me i am not
lately I am trapped like a dog
inside myself
no love gets past this cage
I don't deserve it anyways
the voices yell
and my doubt lends an ear
when I joke this is it I'm going to leave!  
simply tell me
don't?
please, stay awhile?
Wake me up to the harsh reality
that people care and I am not alone.
when I show up for you,
and they open the door
isn't that all the reassurance you need?
Tell me
don't be silly and ask them to chase after you
because it is only your doubt that will follow

let me paint my morning for you
I'm alone, in my room
it's a stormy summer morning
And we are sitting around talking

today we're wondering what to do.
Depression sulks deep into the sheets
"why get up! you don't have plans"
and the alarm begins to buzz
Optimist whimpers "its still early, I can get up and get rolling" but no one is moving
Hopeless Romantic dreams "maybe the mail man will come through and ask me how I'm doing"

today I woke up crying
       today I went to the gym
    and I forgot why I ever stopped going
today I told my friend I loved them
    and that we all have doubts, it's human
       today I ate my feelings through another salad
   and I told myself that it's okay, this is okay
today I walked around the lake
    and thought about how long it'd take to drown
  today I will apologize to my old best friend
I told them I wasn't good to them back then
  today I told my therapist I'm spiraling, and he said it was okay
     He said we are all struggling. Just trying to figure it out because no one's got it figured out
   today I was excited to keep learning
today I was not
  And I told myself that it was okay
   today I couldn't get of bed because I felt nothing towards school
   But I did get up eventually
but today I saw myself as someone capable of doing so much better
   and today I woke up with purpose
      and forgot why I ever stopped believing.

Stuck in a rut called desperation
I must really hate my motivation
Can't see the light of inspiration
looking down the tunnel of procrastination
Crawling out in moderation

In the future, I will have already missed you
I can just imagine you on the subway somewhere real busy. You'd be sitting there with your legs crossed with a book's pages sprawled out on your lap, like how I used to be. The lights shining in your eyes so you're not really looking up, but your letting the warmth in. The seats rattle and you're looking out the window.
         Maybe I just want to imagine a place where you're doing better and you aren't so anxious all the time. Somewhere you feel successful and accomplished and like college wasn't a waste.
        More realistically I can imagine you sitting on your phone, headphones in, shoulders slumped, eyes darting. You're on your way to somewhere busier than before. Just for work. A life in the city wasn't meant for you, I know that because you told me. And I listened.
        You're probably wearing something that screams you're gay and diligent about this interview, or this daily commute. There's a stabbing pain I get from thinking about you. How truly independent you have finally become. Thinking of you now is like hoping we had something more. Wishing I meant more to you then. Wishing I had made some kind of impact on this stoic statue.
      I envy what you're like to the people you can't help but love, and I'm saddened that I never got to experience you like that.
      Lucky me, I'm never going to be the one you drive two hours for. I wish the short hours I gave you made you feel special. Maybe felt, something more.