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I don't want it
to be hard
to want to make my bed
instead of
letting my bad thoughts rule my head

I am manic!
am I happy?

I am too busy to be sad
and it's too easy to feel bad?

So I'll fatigue when I find time
after this short crime
too quick to stay
watch as I run away
Oh what a happy day!
happy valentines day. it is a warm and wonderful day to be alive.
Now here you've got me
like a scene from a cult classic movie.
my legs trembling for a heart gauged open
and blood dripping
down your face
Tell me- when was the first time you saw me in pain?
Some can say,
soaked before the rain
they noticed me pray

that'll be the morning
When you feel me through the sheets
even after hurting
myself so deep
Have I told you the story of who I was yet?
Have I done a good enough job
convincing you
Why I love me
and why you should to
needs revisiting
I'm starting to feel alright today

maybe not alright, but different for sure

I have forgotten to hate myself upon waking

I skipped the spiraling talk before leaving my room

I misplaced my self loathing and I'm not exactly looking to pick it back up

I can finally eat without crying

I stare out the window and what's wrong with me today

even the sigh that escapes my lips is full of a new normal

Am I
allowed to feel this way?

Has it really been long enough?
a new normal emerges past a painful familiarity
I've been sleeping in odd places
next to a ***** blanket
on the floor of this cold apartment.
I get little sleep because my insomnia
keeps saying ridiculous ****
and its starting to scare me.

I find myself frozen when he asks me
Do you think you know yourself
He tells me I care too much about the answers
I tell him he isn't very good company.
He tells me I try too hard for others
that I'm only going to get my heart broken.
I tell him it's still worth it
He crawls closer to the couch
and impersonates my crying.

I've been sleeping in odd places
next to a confused womanizer
on the bed that can't stop squeaking.
They never look at me directly
they can't afford to find attachment
under these eyes of mine
when it's only the cuffing season

I've been sleeping in odd places
next to my anxiety
on the floor of my mind.  
I'm clutching onto these odd moments
like little snippets of my life
I'm trying to piece myself together
with all the bad that I have done
thank goodness for the councilor who listens when i speak.
I envy the trees that stand tall during bad weather
Holding sturdy to their roots that will not surrender
I feel like a fragile person
I feel a sludgy guilt when I make a sudden noise
I feel like the brush of the wind might end me
I feel caught up in a river of today and I can not even see the other side
I am strong enough to admit that I do not have all my answers
But lessons are learned after each tiny disaster
blood rushes under my skin
as you leave me in a panic
my eyes blur at the sight of you leaving me
alone, again
stuck in this heat.
I could do without the teasing
but I see it has no meaning

It is familiar but new
like visiting an old park
where you are my new swing
and I am sitting where I always sit
wrapped around another finger

but even at this desk we are too close together
you say little and I fear I say too much
you study stats as I study the way you sigh,
how you look away when you talk,
and how tired you look right now.

I will stay because  
I feel something strange when we embrace
enough to make me want you after hours
we cuddle ****, huzzah! but do you even like me?
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