Perhaps all along I was the addict that I tried so desperately tried to avoid.
You were a drug and I was the abuser.
Although you carried all the harm and potential threat
I still consumed you like a child does Halloween candy
rather than teeth, you rotted my self worth.
Yet I am still addicted to you?

I always had a nervous habit of talking too much;
What should I tell others about myself and what was meant to be kept to myself never quite made sense to me.
I want to have clear communication with any and all who interacted with me but it left me with no one to converse with.
Was I a problem I and others couldn’t resolve or was I simply a textbook others didn’t wish to read at all?
Have my words slowly started to mean nothing to myself as well, is that why I can no longer hear my voice in my own thoughts?
It's as though I have drowned out the girl who wanted to understand and experience all and have decorated her corpse with someone so incompetent of meaning or purpose.
Maybe being happier has taught
me I don’t need to overthink…
No, I am simply unable to have a solid thought without starving my brain of needed and well deserved sleep.
Sometimes I miss the intense beauty things had when I was unhappy.

We the strays look each other in the eyes and don't see straight through, but we see you; We live realistically and only see what you make visible.
We the strays don't look for flaws, but ways we can improve.
WE the strays are a pact, we won't leave for a pity performance.
I as a stray dance to the tune of your heart beat.
You as a stray mimic my movements in synch.
We as stays have made our feet sore with the pulse of our own song.
<3

I want to take back on words I have said, the one I still do, and I know I will always say. to the words that made me choke to the ones that make me afraid to speak at all
the one I mostly say to the wrong people, to you. I wish I knew a different language to where I can no longer harm you. I have sat here for so long watching the clock turn thinking of what to say before I say nothing at all. to thinking of you to daydreaming about another problem because focusing has become a wish that no one can grant. your smile will show in my thoughts but only when I see you. I cant stand the thought of loosing you, but i don't have jealousy, but don't confuse that for me not caring, I care for you with all my heart, all of it. I have learned to hate eye contact with you it feels like a retreat of forgetting what we had before, but we never had anything to begin with, other than a one sided loved, with your walls built up.

a pitter, patter of my feet on gravel of the drive way you once stood.
no matter what you name can not be shook, your smile that shines, and
memories that fade, for you will never be forgotten. love and happiness that
I wish to bring, but you are far to gone, for me to reach... We love you
and everything you left behind... joy to you in you sleep, hope you rest
in peace.

I'm obsessed In the learning of this culture. The one of spirits, demons, gods, and angels. The one of beauty and standards, of secrets and ruins. The stories of cats, and mice, and how their stories met. From the dragons and silk, that wrapped around the bodies of your women, to the hope, and destruction that you brought, I am in love with your culture.

I haven't said this in a long time, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I said those things I lied before, I lied and said I loved you, but I don't really love you do I? I'm infatuated with the thought of you, how perfect you are, how you always get your way, I've always envied you and that's why I thought I loved you... But now I know I don't until it hits the end of the tick of the last tick on the clock I will always fell deeply infatuated with you.

I want you to smile, not those fake smiles that you give in pictures, but the ones where a joke catches you off guard and you laugh normally, when you dont have a serious undertone, almost if you just want to get rid of me, cause maybe if you smiled... I could to, if i dont see your smile I beg for it, I plead with insults and jokes for even the hint of your smile, I even ask for it... I love you more and more as the days go by, but as I realize I say it less and less...

I didnt paint on a smile or bright blue eyes today
I left my paint in my room, where I wept
I lost my passion to do anything
i´d **** for that feeling
to not feel
at all
:)

I don´t ask much, maybe a hug or for you to tell me i´m okay, that maybe one day i´ll have you there and that you wont leave me again... like you did last summer, you didn't even mean to break me because you didn't even know that I loved you...
but I do I love you the most, I love you more than the moon and the stars combined and the sun is jealous of your smile, Because my love has made me blind even your ugly words don´t harm me anymore because I expect you to be cruel, and for you to act like you don´t care, because I love when we are alone when you arent afraid to say what you mean, and what I mean to you... you never say it but your eyes do and when you cried I was there for you to lean on, because I could tell that you had been too strong for your feelings to show till I felt your head bob to my shoulder and my shirt become moist with your damp tears, I loved you more and more as I watched you fall till It was too late till I couldn't see you, unlike when we´re alone...

I cried aloud, a single word filled my head like it had never done before.
breathing felt like touching a open wound, like the one I had sewn into myself.
My head was filled with thoughts that anyone sane would burn
like the scrapbooks of someone dead, because once you're gone who needs your thoughts? I had wondered what they would do if they heard that that day shook me so?
Would they reconsider saying those hurtful things? Would they do it more to try to **** me even more than my spirit has already allowed? I was cold to the touch and even someone I loved didn't notice everyone asked if I was okay but didn't stick around for a truthful answer because sometimes the truth is too unbearable to take... sometimes I write about a boy, or a dream, today I write how i feel how I felt and how I am torn from what felt like a rose turned to a thorn, by a word burned into my skin to a crisp.
but after all my thoughts consumed me until I could not write, I wept until I ran out of tears, I sweat from the nightmares that consumed my sleep I once desperately wanted.
a dream the haunted me even tonight to the point writing doesn't help me I still feel like like a paper cut that no one sees till blood is spilled like the blood pouring from my sinks in my dreams like the slits in my wrist and the pills in my diet and the steel from a bullet that i taste when i wake... I wish I had time for the voices l held inside for so long.