the complexity
of counting one to three

ranges from hide and seek
to counting in music

to taking a deep breathing
while you're suffocating

from being happy, to anxiety
from birthday parties,
to holding your tears,
when no one's looking.

one two three
it's crazy, how the simplest things,
the first words of a baby,
can even be,
the last words someone hears, while they're trying hard to still breathe.

that's the thing about love
it's either a lesson or a distraction

am i a fool for thinking we could have a chance
meanwhile you're the moon and i'm just one among those other stars

realizing that making efforts don't always mean you'd get what you want
that trying hard enough isn't always good enough

trying to sleep but still kept awake anyway
studying till dawn but still failing anyway

trying to heal the pain you gave but still aches anyway
forgetting you but still remembering anyway

even a paper still left it's ashes after getting burned,
so does my heart, still left its pieces after being shattered

2020

we met, under the same sky, not certain if it's the same stars

cause where i am and where you are,
you're with the moon and i'm wondering if what i see is the real one
whether it's the whiskey, or my brain is playing games with me

we met, but not quite
'cause you're sober, i'm not, i was broken that time

we both were in the place where we shouldn't be, at a party
no, not that kind,
but i was just painfully torn from an ex lover, and you're still with your current

i was at my lowest point at my romance,
meanwhile you, were still a toxic one

then came a question,
was it
the perfect timing for us to find each other?
perfectly right, or perfectly wrong,
one might wonder?

was what we need, each other, in order to heal
or would we just, tear each others' heart?

and tell me,
if we don't jump now,
when else will we have a chance,
to cross path again and meet?

my mind wanders
while the moon shines through you
or was it just a reflection from the pool
now i just want to have you

is it selfish of me,
i know you want it too,
but can we really,
take the chance out of the blue?

2019

Today is my birthday.

I just got off from the bus, on the station nearest to my house.
It is 8.30 pm, the time that always left me confused, whether i should go take an evening stroll, or go to the nearest grocery store, or just straight home to rest.

Work finished really late today, so I decided to grab takeouts and take it home to eat. What a great way to end your birthday, don't you think?

At this age, birthdays don't really matter as huge as when you were in high school. Yes it is still somehow important, and especially for me, birthdays are constant reminder for you to look back and figure out what milestone have you reached this past year. And are the people who celebrate your birthday last year still celebrating it this year? If yes, great. If not, where are they now?

Yeah.
Where are you now?

/

It has been 4 years, since i last saw you.
Exactly 4 years,
since you left me on the day of my birthday.

It's funny,
it seems so long but it feels like yesterday.
I feel like it was just last night you came to my house, and knocked on my front door.
I remember you were bringing me a cake and a gift, i was beyond happy, and i invited you in.
I cut the cake, we took picture, you hugged me, then you looked me in the eye.
"I am leaving town tomorrow."

"Why?", I asked.
"Job, and i don't know for how long."
"Why?"
"My boss asked me, so I have to."
"No. I mean, why tomorrow?"
"The flight has been booked for me. First thing tomorrow morning. I guess they need me right away."
"But you'll come back, right?"
And you stood there in silence.
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"

And the rest of the conversation is the part i tried so hard to erase ever since.
You said it's best for us to seperate, and things won't work out eventually even if we tried.
You said if it is meant to be, we will meet again at another time.

And right there, is what left me hanging until this very day,
should i try to wait, or brush it all off instead?

/

After the short stroll i took, that made my mind wandered back to you, i arrived home.
I realized that my front door is not locked, and made me panic right away.
I slowly open my door, with a plastic bag filled with food that i am ready to sacrifice as a weapon if there's an intruder at my house.
And,
it's just my friends.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", said all 3 of 'em.
Dang it. They must've asked my mom where I left my spare keys.

There's a cake with candles, and some balloons all around my living room.

"Come on, the candle's gonna melt anytime soon now!"
"Yeah hurry! We don't have spare candles."

"Fine."
"Wait. Make a wish first, you idiot."
"Adults don't do that anymore."
"I don't care. We still do."
"Come on. What would you wish for?"

I took a long pause, staring at the candles,
and I say without hesitance.

"Amnesia."

And blew out the candle with both of my eyes closed,
hoping the moment the fire burns out,
so does the memory of him.

2019

"Don't be silly."
"I was joking."
"Yeah you joke about that for what now, 3 years?!"

Yeah.
I've wished for this stupid thing for 3 years in a row.
It's just......easier, i think.
Rather than wishing that he'd come back,
i knew it wouldn't be the same.
I don't know if I could forgive him even if he actually shows up in front of me one day.

"It's because of him, isn't it?"

I stood there in silence.
It's not that I'm surprised of the question, but there's just nothing can come out of my mouth.

"Oh who cares, it's your birthday today. Let's just cut the cake already. I'm hungry!"

Now this is why you have to thank your other friend who's really good at breaking ice in this type of situation. To distract the cold air in the room.

"Leave me some. I have takeouts but I'm gonna want the cake."
"Sure, we'll leave you half of it."

Not more than 20 minutes later, they left.
Considering our houses are around an hour drive from each other, it's pretty late now since we all still have work the next day.


Around 15 minutes went by, one of them texts me.
"Hey I accidentally bring your stuff with me, otw back to return it. Sorry."

No big deal.
So i text back,
"Sure, it's fine. Just knock when you get here."

While waiting, I look around for 'the stuff' in the living room, but I can't find anything that's missing.
Maybe it's something in the bathroom? Bedroom? I don't know how long they've been here before I came home,
and what other room in this house that they used, I said to myself.
Since i'm already tired and sleepy, and it's late, i decide to just lay down on the couch to rest for a while.
But I figure if i lay down then I'll go straight to sleep in seconds, so well I just sit straight I guess.


Then there's a knock, and I immediately jumped from my couch straight to the door.
Usually, I will still take a second to look from the peephole, but who else could it be.

So I unlock the door, turn the ****, and swing the door open without hesitance.
.
.
.
and it's probably one of the worst decision to not peek from my peephole today.



"Um....hey.
Happy birthday."

I don't know if this is the sugar rush that the cake gave me,
or i'm just really tired and sleepy,
or if this is a dream.


I tried to move my hand to slap myself, they say do that if you're uncertain whether you're in a dream or reality.

If it hurts, then it's real.
But I can't move my hand, or my feet, or anything right at this moment.
But one thing's for sure,
it does hurt.
My heart hurts,
that's how I know it's real.


And the only one who can give me this much of a pain,

is him.

2019

"What are you doing here?"
"It's your birthday today.
And I haven't seen you in a while, thought I'd stop by."

How does he makes it sound like nothing?
I don't get it.
I trembled so much to open my mouth, yet yours seemed so.....easy.

"You better go."
"Wait. Can we talk?"
"Now's not a great timing." I said it as I shut my door. I can't take it.


He holds the door, putting his wrist on the gap so I won't be able to close it.
I can see his left hand quite clearly, but it feels like a hand of a stranger now.
"I know your last memory of me wasn't exactly great for you to recall, but can you give me a chance to explain?"
"A little late for that now, don't you think?"
"You know I owe you an explanation."
"I don't need that anymore."


"I was dying."

I paused. Letting him to open the door wide.

"I was sick. Several months was all I had."

I just stood there. Silence. I was speechless for a while.
"Why don't you tell me?"
"Can we talk inside?"

"Yeah. Sure."

We went inside. And now I am not sure how to feel.
We sat on the couch, and he told me he wasn't leaving town that day.
He got treated in a hospital, isolated from the city and so far away.
He said it wasn't necessary, to be hospitalized that far. But he didn't want me to find out, or leaving the possibility of me meeting him, looking at his pale skin, he said it would hurt him to see me. And it would hurt me to see him.

I wanted to be angry, but how could I?

"I thought by doing that, you would just hate me. It's painful enough for me having to leave you, but I couldn't handle the thought of you knowing that I was going to die. It's just better for the both of us if you just remember me as a ****** bag than a disease."

I tried to understand. But I can't lie it's still very hard to see him after all these times. I missed him,
so much.
He reaches for my hand and looks at me in the eye. I tried so hard not to cry.

"All that matters is that you're okay now. Right?"
"Yeah. It was still a long journey, but I am okay now."

"But there is still one thing I need to tell you."

And he tells me when he was in the hospital, he met someone.
It was a coincidence. She was visiting her mom and saw him across her mom's room. Her mom had the same disease he had.
They already knew each other, well probably knew quite a while.
She also didn't know he was sick at first, well no one did.
He asked her to keep it that way, he didn't want anyone to know.

"And within the next week, she always visited me whenever she visited her mother."

Then weeks turned into months. He said at one point, he was actually getting better. Then suddenly, he went all bad again. Dying again. Over and over again. That's why he still didn't want me to know. Until he was actually cured for good, he said.


Then her mother passed away a year ago. She was very sad and torn. I feel sorry for her. I remember one of my best friend's mom also passed away a year ago. Can't imagine what she had to go through.

Then he said she was always by his side ever since. All those time hard times. Through every pain he's in, and every hopes and tears he had. Not me.

“She was there for me through my toughest times somehow. I still miss you so much, but I admit it that it made me think about her sometimes. And the more time went by, we.....cared for each other.”

I can see he is trying not to make it a big deal. But it is. I know exactly the word he was looking for, but I wish it is not what I think it is.

But in his eyes, I knew it is not just caring. That this was what he wanted to explain. Not the sick and dying, not the pain he left me, but to tell me that I am no longer in this picture.

“It's more than that, doesn’t it?”
I tried really hard to say it out loud without cracking my voice, but I know he knows.

And in his hesitation, he knows I know.

I,
smiled.
I wish I could be mad and furious. But for what?
I love him too much for that.
I am holding my tears back that I bit my lip so hard at this point that it felt numb.

"Please say something."

What am I supposed to say?


"Sorry I am just absorbing all of this, haha.
Who is this girl?
Can you show me?"


Stupid. Out of all the questions I could ask, why that?


"You know her."
"Do I?"

Apparently, I do.
Remember my best friend, who said she was coming back to return my stuff?


"Oh."
"Please don't be mad. It's not her fault.
Everything was just quite, happens."

Then she shows up at my front door, knocking. And when I open it, I feel like I am looking at a completely different person right now.

"I'm sorry.
You deserve to be mad or say anything to me, and we don't want to go behind your back.
He just got out of the hospital this very day. And we thought it's best that we let you know, right away."


That's the problem.
Now, I don't know what I feel. Or what I should feel.
I want to blame everything on him, on them, on myself, and my feelings are all over the place.
But I know they don't mean to hurt me.
I know them too well for that.
I know that he wants the best for me, so does she.
That's what's driving me crazy.
That I never had the chance,
to be by his side.
Never had the chance,
other than blaming on myself.
What did I do wrong?
Am I not enough?
All those time,
it should've been me.

It could've been me.

Then I close my eyes for a while,
'cause everything becomes very blurry.

Hoping all of this is just a dream.
Though I know the pain now is more than real.
It's stabbing me.

It's my birthday today.
And my wish still stays the same.


–

What would you wish for?"

I took a long pause, staring at the candles,
and I say without hesitance.

"Amnesia."

And blew out the candle with both of my eyes closed,
hoping the moment the fire burns out,
so does the memory of him.

i knew how any of this is going to be.
i knew at the end you wouldn't be here.
i knew i should've walk away when everything was still easy.

but i couldn't.

2017

Lost in your thoughts,
'til day dreaming becomes your daily habit.
Countless of sleepless nights,
strong enough to make you feel weak.

If he's the one,
or if he's not,
is he even worth it?


It is always a beautiful thing when a person starts falling for someone.
The way her eyes will sparks when she sees him, the way she can't hide her excitement when she talks about him.
The way she glances at him and trying to hold it back.

The way she's lost in her thoughts,
every day and night,
thinking,
wondering,
maybe,
just maybe,
if there's even a slight chance for it?

Holding back the thoughts is one thing.
But the way a person craves for the chances, craves for the possibilities, is a completely different thing.

She can't hide how her eyes sparks.
She can't lie about her stupid little glances at him.
It tortures her, yes, but what can she do?

Secretly,
She'll be hoping his eyes will light up when he talks about her, like she talks about him.
Hoping when their eyes meet, he'll curve a little smile at her.

And secretly,
She'll be hoping,
between those little glances, he might look back for a little while.

Secretly?
Yeah.

Because there is never any certainty when it comes to feelings.

we're perfect opposites
a perfect mistake

like a white shirt with coffee stain
that's why you stayed
for a long time
in the back of my head

no matter how many times
i try to wash you away

2018

Does it necessarily called sad even when there's no tears?
Does it necessarily called scar even when there's no mark?
Does it necessarily called pain, even when it doesn't show?



Heart.
Break.
Heartbreak.


I am used to hearing this word on a daily basis.
Maybe a little too often, but my point here is, everyone knows someone 'utters' that they are in a heartbreak once in a while.

So, what is heartbreak to you?
"When someone can't keep their promises while they have the chance to." —Alessandra A.
"Uncertainty." —Samuel Wijaya
"Friends who leave." —Vivian Loo
"Being a disappointment." —Ryon Regasa
"When the butterflies are no longer there." —Calvina Izumi
"Seeing him smile, but I'm not the reason." —Anonymous
"When someone you love, has another name in his/her heart." —Evadne Richard
"When an effort to love can't be seen anymore because it is sealed shut by a mistake." —David Halim
"When you finally meet someone you love sincerely and somehow they start distancing themselves, and you don't even talk to them anymore and you don't even know why."—Natasha

These are some opinions from my friends that probably represent some/most of your thoughts about a heartbreak, at least describe what comes first to your mind after hearing that word.
And those opinions also described mine, and mostly represent some of the heartbreak(s) that had occured in my life.

Now,
concluding all the opinions above
How would I myself define what heartbreak is?
I would define it as an invisible yet irresistible pain.

Headache is a type of pain.
And heartbreak is also a type of pain.
But we all know that both of them are completely different.

When you're having a headache, you know exactly where it hurts.
But when you're having a heartbreak, it just hurts.
You don't know exactly where the pain came from,
even when some referred to their chest ('cause it's where their heart is) or anywhere else, it's actually just the side effect of having a heartbreak itself.
Just enough explanation to state that heartbreak is like a nowhere and everywhere type of pain.
You can't see and you can't know where it hurts, but it's real. As if it was invisible as it is uncertain.
Just because you can't really point out where it hurts, doesn't mean it's not there.

And another thing about heartbreak is, you can't resist it. No matter how hard you try.
There is no painkiller for your heartbreak, and even if you use something as a pain killer (such as alcohol?), it doesn't necessarily works as one.
It doesn't make the pain go away, it just distracts you from what you're feeling, temporarily.
It shifts your attention and feelings into something less noteworthy for a moment, and then the next day the pain is still going to be there.
You can try to resist it, but only time that can make all of that fades.
And even when it fades, it doesn't go away.
It never will.

and there you are
after years and miles we're apart

i stood across you
playing all the conversations we could be going through
all the possibilities of words that could come out from me and you

but even when i could play the possibilities of words,
and even after words come out like i thought they would,
it felt strange.

it felt, different.
it didn't feel right.
it just, didn't feel like you.

i get it why people choose to run to something else, like cut themselves and bleed whenever they're in a heartbreak.
sometimes one needs a distraction from the pain he's feeling.

and it looks like your distraction is me.

just like how a fire burned down a piece of paper in a blink of an eye,
that's exactly how easy you broke each piece of me

that is why
"don't play with fire", or you'll see

i keep wondering around
between the yes and the no, that you left me in

with all the what ifs or so,
torturing me, waiting here all alone in the cold wind

2016

Love.
It is a really short and simple word, and yet people always mistaken on the meaning of it.

What is love?
Is it love when you're around him, your heart beats faster and get nervous straight away?
Is it love when he walks by, and suddenly you turn into a complete idiot and your brain stops working?
Is it love when he smiles at you, the world suddenly stops and you'll blush because you notice that his smile is so ******* charming?

If your answer to those questions are yes, then you've been wrong this whole time.

Love isn't suppose to make you nervous, to make you look like a complete fool.
Love, is suppose to make you comfortable.
It is suppose to feel like home, but the difference is, you don't find this 'home' at a place.

You find it on a person.
A person who knows you to the very deep of your soul, who knows every detail of you. And you don't find it on a person you just met.

So, do I believe in love at first sight?
Not at all, not even a tiny bit.

But, I do believe when you meet a person, there's this click.
You don't "love" him at the very moment you see him, but it is as if your feeling tells you that there's something about this person.
Something that makes you feel, that he is different.

And, people live for that click.


You don't actually know what that click will brings you to, and that's what makes feelings are so interesting, isn't it?


Because you can only let your feelings flow and it will show you where it goes.

'cause you're so drown in her,
like i am drown in you.

drunk
but not from liquor

but something toxic
in a form of prince charming

at first sweet
made your world spin
only to wake up the next day
with severe pain

even not every fairytale ends with a happily ever after

and he finally went on a date
after us ended


ordered the usual
unconsciously ordering it for me
when it is now a she

then realized it's going to be difficut
getting over a habit
and impossible
to get over me

maybe you don't get to remember how it looked like, or sounded like.
but you'd always remember how it felt.

how stupid of i
to fall for a glimpse of an eyesight

when the way he looks at you
he looks at her that way too

she has been told
her entire life
to feel but not show
be smart but not out loud

to bend and not break
be like rubber band

but darling,
even a rubber band loses it at the end

and you're not an unliving thing
so lose it, feel it
speak, shout if needed

and if you do break, take the time
to grow or heal
then bounce back
and repeat it over and over again

'cause that's the beauty
in living
as a person, your own
and not any metaphor of pretty things
can compare to what you are

cause you are indeed, not a thing
but a beautiful human being

they say
you'll know how much you've grown
in terms of loving

when you let a person go
not because of what you feel
no matter how much it hurts
and how much it tortures

as long as they won't feel what you feel


"i let you go so you'll be happy
now go,
before i couldn't heal"

"Can't you see?
I'm here.
I'm always right here.
It's just you who never seemed to notice."

they say it's the one you think of at 2 PM when you're happy
not the one at 2 AM when you're lonely

but no one has ever mentioned
about the one you keep trying to get rid from your mind
between those two opposite times
everytime you feel a little bit of both

nothing feels worse
than looking in the mirror
and shook your head for what you see

never thought jealousy would burn like hell
is it pain or numb?
i can't even tell.

who would've known those little glances and smiles
could mean a lot to one, and nothing to the other?

she's alone and sad and empty,
like all the black and white keys.

but all it takes, is someone who's willing
to play the melodies, and you'll see she's beautiful indeed

some things are just not meant for everybody
like how the heat of the sun is not for everybody
or the night breeze is not for everybody

maybe love is not for everybody either

pain doesn't always come in bruises.
sometimes it comes in smiles and laughs,
and little glances she tries to hide.

the pain is just always there.
never leave,
never cease,
never ease.

-

it did stop hurting,
but now it feels numb.
and the marks you left,
were carved.
beautifully,
tragicly,
sorely,
sadly,
drawn.

"the thing that caused you to feel lonely
is just a current undesirable weather"

"the sky isn't blue for you at the moment,
but it will eventually,
'cause rain and the dark sky are temporary"

the world tries to convince me
that loneliness is just a season-kind-of-feeling

little do they know
it's not the weather to blame
it's that i'm blind towards the color of the sky
both blue and night, just looks the same
hence feels the same

but they don't know that
'cause they're not colorblind
meanwhile i am
and i will never know
what  a beautiful blue sky is like

be reminded
that in all these unfamiliarities

you're home
in the most familiar place you've ever been

so remember
in any place and phase you are in your life
there's always gonna be opposites in your mind

meaning being
when things are great, there are going to be things trying to pull you down
when you are in a bad place, there's always still something good behind it
and even on rock bottom, there's nowhere else but up

like a half full half empty cup
it's all in your mind, all along

you have been running in circles
while trying to find love

when it has been hiding in plain sight
in a place you'd surely find
if only you're walking instead

how i wish my eyes were polaroids,
capturing your smile that seems impossible to not be noticed.

pottery
poetry

he molds clay
and she molds phrase

similar, but different

pottery can make your skin bleed when it goes wrong
poetry can make your heart bleed when it goes otherwise

you make me hate myself for i am a blue
wishing myself was a red

'cause you want a brief fiery burning love
while i'm a sorrowful melody you can't seem to end

when every girl wants to be a stalk of rose, she believes in herself and be a sunflower.
when everyone else wants to be in a constellation, she believes that she could shine just as bright, as a single star.

and she did.

you like her for her petals
yet i have none

how funny it is
to think that words don't always mean what you think they are
how i love you(s) doesn't always mean i love you
it does hurt to know sometimes

but how can it be possible? some ask

as much as it hurts to know
it is like
knowing that you are my single drop of water, yet i am your single drop of water
that you're my single drop of water in the drought, yet i am your single drop of water in the rain

you're such a sight for sore eyes,
but a pain for sore heart.

there are some songs
that end up being tainted

'cause i tend to play one on repeat
for a certain amount of time

that when i haven't listen to it for a while
and wanna remember what it sounds like

it takes me back
to the moments of when it was played on repeat
and sometimes
those moments were not pretty
even when the song is happy

and it could be the opposite
and breaks me even harder
'cause either i know it's something beautiful
that i can no longer have

or reminds me of a someone
who once were my day and night
but no longer there

although it was brief
and both of us were unsure

but i'm glad what we ever happened

even if it's just for a moment
even if it's just for a blink of an eye

the breeze hits different that day

was it the air,
my hair,
smell of your outerwear,
or the way you stare?

i thought we were meant to be,
like the sky and the sea.

but the sky fell in love with the clouds, for its beauty.
not with the sea who's just a lone mess of blue,
like me.